The Real Cure for Anger: Humility, Patience, and Inner Calm

The true solution to overcoming anger is to acquire the trait of humility in our hearts, for it is humility that brings a person to patience. As Rashi explains on the verse (Bamidbar 12:3), the word “anav” (humble) means lowly and tolerant. The humility of Moses brought him to be patient. If we feel in our hearts that we are not better than others, and perhaps that others may be better than us, then we will not grow angry with them. For if we were in their place, perhaps we would have acted even worse.

A person who feels like dust, as we recite in prayer, “Let my soul be as dust to all,” will never come to anger. He says to himself: “I deserve nothing. If someone shouted at me, then perhaps I deserved it. If my request wasn’t fulfilled, perhaps I was not worthy of it.” Even if his wife did not prepare the food he wanted, he knows that whatever food he did receive is a free gift from God, and that his wife was simply His messenger to prepare it.

God’s Attribute of Patience

“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth” (Bereishit 1:1).

At first, God created the world with the attribute of strict judgment (Elokim signifies judgment), but He saw that the world could not endure this, so He partnered judgment with mercy.

It is written of Him (Shemot 34:6): “A God slow to anger and abundant in kindness.” God knows the limits of human beings and He knows that no person is free from mistakes. If God punished instantly for every misstep, the world could not exist. Instead, He gives us time, so that we may repent.

The Demand for Perfection

Most anger comes from expecting perfection from ourselves or from others. When things fall short of that expectation, we flare up. If however we realize that everyone makes mistakes, and that God Himself treats us with patience, how can we not extend patience to others? If we see someone act wrongly, we must remember that we too make mistakes.

A man who expects his wife to be perfect is setting himself up for constant disappointment and dissatisfaction in his marriage. In contrast, a man who understands that no human is perfect, and who remembers that if God forgave him for his past failings, he too must follow God’s ways and show forbearance — he will find peace.

The same is true with our children. Some parents demand perfection and grow angry at every small mistake, forgetting that in their own childhood they made plenty of mistakes — perhaps even more than their children.

I recall, as a child, clearing stones from the yard and throwing them over the fence. By bad luck, one hit the window of a passing taxi, and my father had to pay dearly for the damage. Today, when my children break something in the house, I remember my own mischief and say to myself: “They haven’t reached my level of wildness yet.” And anger does not take hold of me.

The demand for perfection can also destroy a person himself. As I noted earlier, we must lower our expectations from ourselves and from others. Even if we fail, let us remember that if God forgives serious sins, surely we can forgive ourselves and others.

God does not demand perfection. He only asks that we try. If we truly put forth our effort and still did not succeed, we have fulfilled His will. We must not demand of ourselves more than He demands of us.

Even if someone sins and seeks God’s forgiveness, the evil inclination will often whisper: “How wicked you are! After such a terrible act, you have no chance…” This is a lie. God is merciful and compassionate. He knows the frailty of the human soul, and He gave us the gift of repentance, which erases sin completely. To fall into sadness is only the counsel of the evil inclination. Instead, one should rejoice, saying: as the Rambam teaches, “In the place where penitents stand, even the perfectly righteous cannot stand.”

Pressure of the Mind

One of the greatest triggers for anger is stress. On Friday afternoon, an hour before Shabbat, when the house is full of pressure to finish preparations, tempers flare easily. The solution is to prepare oneself not to react instantly in such moments of pressure, but to pause, let the mind settle, and then answer calmly.

The same is true for a mother in the evening, as she gets the children ready for bed. If she prepares herself, reminding herself that the children will eventually go to bed — whether in anger or in love, she can choose to make it happen with words of kindness, rather than shouting.

Some people are tense by nature, and they do not understand why they are always angry, why they cannot find inner joy, why every phone call makes them anxious, why every small mistake (their own or someone else’s) ignites their temper. The reason is that they lack inner calm.

If you wish to test this, observe such a person on vacation, staying at a quiet cabin in the mountains, with the phone switched off, surrounded by green landscapes and birdsong. You will find that he is calm, not anxious, or angry. The future looks bright, and even a sense of joy begins to blossom in his heart.

A person who is inwardly calm is far from anger. To become angry, one must first lose inner peace. If we train ourselves to remain calm — to not be rattled by every disturbance, then our fears will vanish, and our internal anger will dissolve completely.