Rabbi Yigal Cohen - I Must Reach Perfection!

One reason for the outburst of anger is the demand for perfection!

A person who demands perfection from themselves and others will lead a life full of disappointments and anger.

A large factory owner whose secretary forgot to call an important client immediately thinks, "How can someone forget something this important?" Usually, they will express this with unpleasant words towards the secretary, assuming that humans are perfect and aren't supposed to forget anything, while we all know that there's no one in the world who doesn’t err or forget important things at times.

A husband who gets angry at his wife for not having the house clean enough, because he thinks his wife should work like a machine without getting tired, even though she took care of their children from morning to night, cooked breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and cleaned their home to the best of her abilities, it's still not enough for him. His wife must be perfect, and of course, he forgets how "perfect" he is and has no doubt that he could have done it better than her.

Before we pass judgment, let's first understand that the woman is, after all, a human being, a person with limitations, and there is no human being in the world who is perfect.

A person who goes to take an exam for a rabbinical position or, differently, to receive a certain degree, and receives an average score, immediately gets angry at the examiner or at themselves - "Why didn’t I get a perfect score? I must reach perfection!"

Instead of rejoicing that Hashem has blessed them to pass the test, they are upset about the points that were deducted.

In the professional world, this is called "seeing the world in black and white" - meaning a person who thinks it’s either a complete success or an absolute failure, which is why they're full of anger toward the whole world: towards drivers on the road who occasionally veer from their lane, they fill with rage questioning how they don’t notice? (For them, it never happens). And if, heaven forbid, they see someone committing a traffic violation (which of course is forbidden), again they fill with fury, questioning how the person doesn’t see the signs?

And so everything they see in our wonderful world they seek and find imperfection, and of course, they are filled with complaints.

A person like this is usually in a state of depression, sometimes mild and often deep, because they do not enjoy anything in their life, for there is no perfection. Just as there’s no perfect man as a partner, so is there no perfect woman as a partner.

And the apartment they buy they will seek and find flaws, and the children they are blessed with from Hashem will not be the geniuses and perfect beings they expected, and even among their friends they will not find what they seek, because they won’t always be available as they expect.

Who is the Wise Educator

Another reason for anger is the desire to educate others.

Sometimes a husband enters his home and hears shouts, "Children, get into the shower," "Do your homework," "Tidy up your room."

And when he asks why the shouting, his wife replies, "It's the only way they listen."

And so, sometimes when someone cuts him off on the road wildly, he immediately opens the window and starts yelling loudly to teach the other driver a lesson. And when you ask him why he shouts, he answers, "I need to teach him to drive cautiously."

Let’s think together - will the driver be more educated from now on because of the shouting they received? Wouldn't it be better to speak calmly and explain to the driver how dangerous their driving is?

Also, when educating children, when you shout, they get scared, and when you explain, they listen; King Solomon has already taught us (Ecclesiastes 9:17) "The words of the wise are heard in calm." If we approach children with a loving voice and explain that it’s time to eat, and if that doesn’t help, we can raise our voice, but not get angry. Anger causes us to make poor judgments and say things we’ll regret.

Anger never educates!

Because in moments of anger, we usually hurt the other person, and even if they stay silent out of fear, they remember the harm, and God forbid, may come to seek revenge or simply leave. This often happens, unfortunately, during arguments between spouses, when one thinks that if they shout at the other in anger, they will be afraid and submit to them, not realizing that the other’s silence stems from fear and not appreciation, and next time, they may try to take revenge.

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