The Power of Respect in Marriage: A Woman’s Role in Building a Peaceful Home

Respect is one of the most vital elements in a relationship. And yet, this is often lacking, leading to a wide range of challenges.

Sometimes, disrespect stems from a lack of awareness, while in others it’s a pattern of behavior learned in childhood. If an individual grew up in a home where her parents didn’t treat each other with respect, or if she herself was made to feel less than, this can result in challenges of respecting others.

Some women find it difficult to trust their husbands because they feel the need to remain in control. Instead of showing respect to their husband, trusting him, seeking his input, and working together, they hold on tightly to the illusion of control. Respect can prevent conflict and tension, and without it, both partners can feel isolated and disconnected.

A woman who feels stuck in this pattern should seek emotional support and counseling. This dynamic can damage her own wellbeing, her husband’s, and that of the entire family. When she learns to release that grip and let herself trust, everything begins to change for the better. She will also become more open to receiving from her husband the emotional support she deeply longs for.

It’s crucial that a woman be especially sensitive not to hurt her husband—even unintentionally—in this deeply sensitive area. A lack of respect can wound him more than she may realize. A husband needs to feel that he is relied upon. That he’s the “pillar of the home.” The Hebrew word for "master" (אדון) shares a root with “foundation” (אדן)—like the windowsill that supports the beautiful view. This isn’t only for his benefit, but is equally good for her. Even a strong, capable woman, who is managing projects in the outside world, needs her husband’s emotional support and steady presence. This provides her with strength, peace, inner calm, and a deeper joy in life.

When each partner fulfills their role with sincerity, the husband naturally draws closer, and he makes greater effort to support and care for his wife. This creates a cycle of mutual giving.

Of course, it’s appropriate and necessary for a woman to express her needs. She should speak up clearly and directly about what she’s missing, and when she does so with the right tone and spirit, her husband will be eager to give.

The author of Menorat HaMaor writes: “Even though a wife is her husband’s partner, she should not view him as just a peer, but rather as a figure she honors—like a master, as it says: ‘He is your master, bow to him’ (Psalms 45). And the woman will love her husband, and he will rule over her, as it says: ‘Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you’ (Genesis 3). If she sees him this way, he will love her in return and she will be to him like a sister. Just as Sarah called Abraham ‘my master’…” (Menorat HaMaor, Lamp 3, Principle 6, Part 4, Chapter 2)

This teaching outlines a path that uplifts the woman and her home: to love and admire her husband, to look up to him, to see him as wise and capable. When she becomes a supportive and respectful partner, he in turn will love her deeply and treat her with tremendous care and dignity. Respect breeds respect. When there’s mutual appreciation and clear roles, the home becomes a source of peace and emotional well-being.

Children sense this dynamic intuitively. When they see a respectful relationship between their parents, where both have a clear and honored role, it provides them with emotional stability and peace of mind, and nourishes their development.

In exceptional situations, a woman should consult a qualified rabbi who specializes in marital guidance. I mention this because there are painful cases where silence is not an option. In those situations, one must act wisely, based on compassionate, Torah-informed guidance.

More than once, I’ve witnessed cases where a husband was unable to give his wife what she needed, until she began to show him genuine respect. Once that shift happened, his heart opened and he began giving her what he never could before. She was the first to benefit from the change.

Rebbetzin Kanievsky once told me, with her ever-present smile, that this is our spiritual correction. Just as the first woman, Eve, led her husband to err through the voice of the snake, the rectification is in striving to align with her husband’s role, which is also the will of G-d. When we turn our eyes toward G-d’s plan, we bring blessing and mercy into our homes.

Before her passing, Rebbetzin Kanievsky shared what felt like a final message—a sort of personal will—for the women of Israel:
“‘Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you’—listen carefully. These qualities are deeply embedded in the natural fabric of man and woman. This way of living is not just tradition, but a divine instruction. And just as we strive to fulfill all other commandments, we must fulfill this one, too. It’s a responsibility and it’s a privilege.”

She concluded with a promise: “When a woman honors her husband, she will be honored in return—both in this world and the next. Every woman, with her deep well of feeling and sensitivity, finds greater peace when she has someone strong to rely on—when her husband is like a knight she can trust and lean on.”

Honoring one’s husband is not just a virtue, but it’s our sacred role and mission in this world. As Rebbetzin Kanievsky said, it’s no less important than keeping Shabbat or any other mitzvah. Beyond obligation, G-d entrusted us with an abundance of emotional energy to be shared with others, especially with our spouse. Like a deposit held in trust, that honor is not ours to withhold. It must be given generously and sincerely.