A Child’s Relationship with Parents Influences Their Connection to Hashem

Another deep component is the child's relationship with their parents and the love between them. The child envisions in their heart the connection with Hashem – similar to their connection with the parents, the model of the child's relationship with their parents will be the model of their relationship with Hashem, a sort of 'copy-paste'. If mom and dad are so good, Hashem is surely good and loving like them. Conversely, if the relationship with parents is rigid and distant, the child will struggle to feel Hashem's love. Love for the child is the foundation; it is the connection. After that, boundaries and reverence can be instilled, leading the child to grow and draw closer to Hashem.

In the eyes of the child, the parent is the center of the world. How the parent behaves – that is reality for the child. The parent represents the Creator of the world to them. It is said in the Talmud: "The Torah equates the honor of father and mother to the honor of Hashem" (Kiddushin 30b), and the Keli Yakar (Leviticus 19:32) says that Hashem equates their honor to His honor and their awe to His. Therefore, the responsibility is very great. The choice remains with the child, but the relationship with the parents has a significant influence.

However, those who had parents who did not know how to provide what they needed should know that this was decreed by the wisdom of His Presence. Hashem knew you had to travel this path in this world, and placed you precisely with these parents. You must not remain in this lack but grow from this 'nothingness'. Do everything to build and cultivate in your heart a sense of closeness to Hashem. There is no need to blame, for blame halts progress. It's good to know the root of problems and treat them accordingly, because everything is from Heaven – but your choice is in your hands, whether to remain or to make a positive change, as we shall elaborate further on how to do this practically.

All educational success depends on evaluating and loving the child.

Rabbi Wasserman zt"l used to say that what Hitler failed to kill, he destroyed even more by breaking and unsettling the hearts. One who has passed away is no longer in this world, but there are those who live here and yet seem absent. A broken and crushed heart is also a type of death, for what can be built if it is so empty inside? On such a foundation, it is difficult to build anything.

We educate the child on the love of Israel, on fulfilling commandments, on developing character, on taking responsibility for life, but a child who hasn't received love and appreciation has a much lower point of choice, quickly tires from any difficulty, and lacks any desire to do anything. When the foundation is missing, the child will skip the rest, they will pretend to learn Torah, pretend to behave nicely towards others, but everything is superficial, and one day it will all collapse, not because they are bad, but because the foundation was unstable. Only if a tree has roots will it give branches and fruits. If the root of love and appreciation is missing, it is as if branches and fruits are glued to the tree, and of course no growth will happen.

When everything is superficial, there will be no connection, no education, and no growth. Only when we value the child and help them connect with themselves can they serve Hashem. The problem in our generation is dealing with symptoms and not the root cause. We must realize that the source of most problems is because everything is superficial – elders say one reason for dropout is that everything is superficial, there's no identity, a person doesn't know their self, who or what they are. Everything is like a herd, everything is just rote learning, lacking true connection to spirituality. Students are placed in certain institutions because of others and 'what will they say' and so on. A truly connected child will not leave, at least not so quickly. If the Torah is lived, there is no fear of social pressure, which leads to superficiality. This is also a reason for dropout, when one listens to everyone but is not connected to their self – to their heart, not listening to what the heart feels, a true Jew means being connected to oneself, listening to the heart; this way, many problems are avoided.

Education – through valuing and trust in the child

The only way to educate is through faith in the child – as Habakkuk established it as one: "The righteous shall live by his faith" (Habakkuk 2:4). Faith comes from the same root as trust – have trust in the child, and see their greatness, their goodness, and our relationship with the child will differ. We will think good of them, focus, and concentrate on their goodness, listen to their words seriously without belittling them.

Faith also means to grow – "and Mordechai raised Hadassah" (Esther 2:7) – he nurtured her. Only through trust can we raise our children, and thus they will be able to grow and thrive.

A person throws an old cabinet in the street, and passersby see it as mere wood pieces, but a professional carpenter walks by, and his eyes sparkle at the sight of the wood: such a high-quality material he hadn't seen in a long time! He sees the wood's potential, what can be made from it. Thus we must look upon our children, with trust in their potential, and thus we will bring out all their latent abilities and raise a generation about whom it will be said: Israel, of whom I am proud! Not only to see the child’s visible skills and talents, but all that is hidden and yet to emerge.

There is a fish named KOI that does not thrive in an aquarium because of its restrictive space, but when placed in a pond, it grows 93 times larger than when confined in the aquarium! If a child is conveyed to feel small and limited, that's what they will become, but if trust in their capabilities is communicated, they are allowed to realize their full divine potential.

We pray to be blessed with children, but it's equally important to bring out the best in those children. In this way, we truly 'earn' our children.

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