Building a Child’s Self-Worth: The Key to Lasting Education and Spiritual Growth

A profound element in education is the child’s emotional bond with their parents and the love between them. A child subconsciously models their relationship with God based on the relationship they have with their parents. It’s a kind of “copy-paste” effect: if a child experiences parents who are loving and kind, they will naturally feel that God must be loving and kind as well. Conversely, if the parental relationship is cold and distant, the child will struggle to feel God’s love and connection. Love is the foundation, and the initial link. Only after that connection is firmly in place can boundaries and reverence be instilled, which will ultimately nurture a deeper relationship with God.

For a child, the parent is the center of the world. The way the parent behaves is reality in the child’s eyes, and the parent represents the image of God. The Talmud says: “The Torah equates honoring one’s parents with honoring God” (Kiddushin 30b), and the Kli Yakar (Leviticus 19:32) explains that God equated the respect for parents to respect for Him, and reverence for parents to reverence for Him. The great Jewish sages taught that the way a child honors their parents is reflective of how they will honor God. Indeed, every child still has free will, but the parent-child relationship plays a significant role in shaping that choice.

Those who grew up with parents who didn’t know how to give them what they needed, should understand that this too is part of God’s divine plan. God placed you in that exact environment, knowing you must go through this journey. And yet, you are not destined to remain stuck in that lack, but from this void, you are expected to grow. You must actively work to build within yourself a sense of connection to God. It’s important to recognize the root of the problems and address them, always remembering that while everything is from Heaven, the choice to stay in that place or to make a change for the better is yours.

The Foundation of Education is Love and Appreciation for the Child

Rabbi Elchonon Wasserman once said that what Hitler couldn’t destroy physically, he damaged even more deeply in the broken and restless hearts left behind. Those who have passed are no longer in this world, but there are people walking this earth who are emotionally “dead” inside. A broken and crushed heart is a form of death because it leaves no foundation for building anything meaningful.

We educate our children about love of Israel, fulfilling mitzvot, refining character traits, and taking responsibility for life. However, a child who didn’t receive love and validation begins from a much lower point of choice. They tire quickly from challenges and lack the motivation to try. If this foundational element is missing, everything else becomes superficial. The child may outwardly learn Torah, and act kindly towards others, but it remains external. Eventually, it may all collapse because the foundation was never secure. Just as a tree needs roots to produce branches and fruit, a child needs the root of love and appreciation to grow. If that root is absent, it’s similar to taping branches and fruit onto a tree — there will be no possibility for true growth.

A child who is truly connected to themselves will not easily stray, because when you live Torah as a way of life, you don’t fear societal pressures. Listening to everyone’s opinions while ignoring your own inner voice, creates detachment from oneself. A healthy Jew is one who is connected to their inner self, listens to their heart, and lives with authenticity. This awareness prevents many problems.

Education Must Be Rooted in Trust and Belief in the Child

The only path to successful education is believing in the child. The prophet Habakkuk summarized the Torah into one principle: “The righteous will live by his faith” (Habakkuk 2:4). The word “emunah” (faith) shares a root with “emun” (trust). When we trust our children and see their greatness and inherent goodness, our entire approach to them changes. We will think positively about them, focus on their strengths, and take their words seriously without belittling them.

“Emunah” also means to nurture and grow, as seen in the verse: “And he raised (omen) Hadassah” (Esther 2:7). Only through trusting our children can we raise and develop them, enabling them to blossom.

If a person discards an old cabinet onto the street, passersby see nothing but a pile of scrap wood. If a master carpenter walks by, his eyes light up because he sees valuable raw material and envisions what can be crafted from it. This is how we must look at our children — seeing their hidden potential and believing in their unique abilities which ultimately unlocks their strengths.

The Koi fish remains small when kept in a fish tank, but when placed in an open lake, it grows to 93 times its size. If we constantly signal to a child that they are small and limited, that’s exactly what they will become. However, if we send them the message that we believe in their abilities and give them space to grow, they will realize their full, God-given potential.

We pray to merit righteous children, but it’s equally important to draw out the best from within them. This is the way we truly “earn” our children.