Why We Suffer: A Jewish Perspective on Pain, Growth, and Self-Reflection

A man found himself stuck on a high floor and couldn't get down. He shouted for help, but no one heard him. Suddenly, he remembered that he had a suitcase full of money. In desperation, he began throwing bills down to the street below, hoping someone would look up and come to help. However, passersby simply picked up the bills, thanked their lucky stars, and walked away. Eventually, he threw down a large stone. The loud crash finally made people look up to see who had thrown it.

Suffering is like that stone. It shakes us awake when gentler signs go ignored. When we don't respond to subtle messages, pain comes to force our attention, pushing us to pause, reflect, and do a deep cheshbon hanefesh (soul-accounting). What holds us back from doing that? Why don’t we always take suffering as an invitation to change?

Following are five common mental and emotional obstacles that prevent us from engaging in honest introspection, and how to overcome them:

1. Despair and Sadness

One of the most effective tools of our inner resistance is to drown us in despair. It whispers, “You’re too far gone. You’ve failed too many times. What’s the point?” It reminds us of every past resolution we broke, every spiritual failure, and every emotional weakness. The result is paralysis.

The antidote is recognizing that everyone has flaws. God created us imperfect so that we could grow. When you reflect from a place of acceptance and compassion, knowing that your flaws are part of the human journey, introspection becomes empowering rather than demoralizing.

2. Self-Justification

Another powerful block to change is the tendency to justify ourselves. Instead of confronting hard truths, we explain away our actions with excuses and rationalizations. The Torah warns us: “Bribery blinds the eyes of the wise” (Deuteronomy 16:19). We are naturally biased in our own favor which makes it difficult to be honest.

The remedy is radical self-honesty. Ask yourself: “Am I being real right now?” Be willing to doubt your own narratives. The Hebrew word for bribe (shochad) shares letters with the word chashad (suspicion). Be suspicious of your own justifications. Introspection means seeing through the stories we tell ourselves so we can grow beyond them.

3. Blaming External Causes

Our rational mind often rushes to explain away suffering as purely circumstantial: “I got sick because of the weather.” “My child got hurt because the playground was faulty.” “I lost my job because of the economy.”

While all these may be technically true, Jewish wisdom teaches us to go deeper.

The deeper view is that nothing happens by chance. Everything is orchestrated from Above with purpose, even if we can’t always understand it. Believing in divine orchestration doesn’t mean ignoring natural causes, but acknowledging that behind them is a higher hand guiding us to look within.

4. Blaming Others

When things go wrong, it's easier to point fingers than to reflect inward. “The doctor messed up.” “My spouse is the problem.” “My boss is unfair.” Even the Angel of Death gets blamed!

Jewish teachings remind us that if someone hurts us, they may have acted wrongly, but they were still a messenger of God’s plan. As the Chazon Ish wrote: “No creature has the power to harm or help another except by God’s decree.”

The real question isn't "Who hurt me?" but "What is this here to teach me?" Only with that mindset can suffering transform from random pain to purposeful refinement.

5. Emotional Numbness

When suffering lingers, we often shut down emotionally as a survival mechanism. We tell ourselves, “This is just life,” and go into autopilot. However, this emotional dullness blocks us from the spiritual growth that pain is intended to awaken.

The solution is to stay sensitive and present. Don’t run from discomfort, but lean into it. Ask what it’s trying to show you. At the same time, don’t get stuck in endless introspection. Reflection should lead to action and forward motion, not paralysis.

As Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler wrote: “The past is memory, the future is imagination, and the present is where real life happens.”

Feel your pain. Reflect. Learn. Then let go, and move forward.

A Practical Example: Family Conflict

Sometimes a woman experiencing challenges in her marriage or with her children may instinctively blame others, such as her husband, the kids, the in-laws, even the prime minister. The honest work however is to look inward:

• Am I being overly critical?

• Am I providing enough warmth, love, and positivity?

• Am I investing in our home environment?

• Am I expressing my needs calmly and clearly?

At the same time, there are moments when not speaking up is the real problem. Bottling resentment can lead to deeper pain. If something hurts, speak gently, wisely, and at the right time.

In serious or ongoing situations, don't navigate alone. Seek guidance from a trusted mentor, rabbi, or counselor. Self-work doesn’t mean self-blame, but it means taking responsibility for what you can change, and getting support for what you can’t.

Suffering as a Wake-Up Call, Not a Life Sentence

We often think suffering is something to endure or escape. In Jewish thought however, it’s often the voice of the soul calling out for attention. When we ignore whispers, the voice gets louder. Pain isn’t punishment, but an opportunity to rise.

Sometimes, that’s the whole point. To test us and to see if we’ll question God, or turn to Him with deeper faith. Next time you find yourself hurting, pause. Ask not just “Why is this happening?” but “What is this trying to teach me?”

When you respond that way, suffering is no longer a weight, but a ladder.