How Not to Despair in Dating? Part 1

Hodaya asks:

"Hello. Can you possibly strengthen me with words that appeal to the mind, but also to a pained heart... I am facing delays in matchmaking as I approach the age of 30. Although I believe everything is for the best, I unfortunately feel that all my prayers and tears have been in vain, and that I am a lost cause, maybe destined to remain single forever. I strengthen myself and keep the commandments, so why do I see all my friends getting married easily, and I'm the only one facing these long delays? What am I to blame for? A worrisome thought sneaks into my heart against my will: I ask myself, if I hadn't returned to observance, could it be that I would be married today in happiness elsewhere? And if Hashem truly loves me, why isn't He listening to my many prayers? Each time I meet someone new, hopeful and sure that he is the one, but then my heart breaks again. Should I continue praying for a match? I would appreciate encouraging words and good advice for my situation. Thank you in advance!"

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Hello Hodaya, you indeed ask painful questions from a worried heart, and I hope I can assist you with the right advice.

Although I am far from being an expert in these matters, I will try to answer you based on my humble opinion and also convey some ideas and advice I have heard from my teachers.

But first, let me remind you of something you should always remember and never forget: Hashem loves you very, very much, knows your pain, and understands your heart better than anyone, for He created your intellect, heart, and soul. There is no one closer to you than the Creator, who is always with you. From this, trust that He knows and desires your good.

There is no coincidence in the world:

To embrace your situation with faith, you must first and foremost understand and internalize that the challenges you face in matchmaking were decreed for your soul even before you descended to this world, as taught by our sages (Sotah 2a; Niddah 16b).

Each soul is unique and different, with a long history of reincarnations and corrections unknown to us. We have no understanding of the divine calculations hidden from previous lives, as our sages said, "Do not seek what is too wondrous for you, do not investigate what is hidden from you, reflect on what is permitted, you have no business with mysteries" (Chagigah 13a).

From this recognition that divine calculations precede each soul before its descent, you will learn two lessons in faith:

The first lesson is that there is no point in comparing yourself to your friends. As their faces and characters differ from yours, and they are not identical to you, they too received lives different from yours, with challenges and struggles unique to each of them. They require different corrections in this world because they have different divine calculations from yours.

In hospitals, you find people with much harsher decrees, but in such severe cases, no one questions why they aren't in their situation... We only pity the unfortunate and understand that different challenges and corrections were decreed for them. Similarly, in fairness, we shouldn't look at people who received more than us and ask why we were not granted their share!

Every person should only focus on their own situation. There are easier lives than yours, and there are harder ones, but you are required to live your life. Believe that the life path Hashem placed you on stems from a special plan designed for you, according to which you received unique mental strengths and capabilities necessary for the personal correction of your soul.

Acceptance of suffering with faith:

We are like small children in this world who need to believe and trust their Father in Heaven in every situation, for He knows and understands better than them what is good for them, even when taking His children for an incomprehensible shot from a doctor. Should the child cry to his father and say: "But Dad, you didn't take my brother and sister to the scary doctor for such a painful shot. Why me?"

The little one is limited in intellect and understanding, and needs to trust that his father knows what's good for him. All the more so, the Creator of the Universe who knows everything, past, present, and future, and never makes a mistake.

In painful moments in your life, think of Hashem as a surgeon whose calculated actions aim to benefit you by correcting your eternal soul despite the great pain involved in the surgery. For who among us wouldn't choose to endure painful surgery rather than lose a hand or leg, G-d forbid? Hashem sees the spiritual defects that have clung to our souls in this or previous lives, and does everything to correct us and lead us to our spiritual perfection in the World to Come, an eternal eternity, whose reward is incomparable.

Would you be willing at this moment to give up, heaven forbid, your eternal world for a short, comfortable life of someone else, while they receive the eternal world you earned for all your efforts and sufferings for the sake of Hashem with bravery? Despite all your pain, I am sure you value your World to Come more than this temporary world, especially since you have returned to observance and know how much courage it takes to stand up to the challenges of our generation.

After all, in the end, we all age and depart from this world, taking nothing with us but commandments: "When a person departs, he is not accompanied by silver, gold, or precious stones, but only by Torah and good deeds" (Avot 6:7).

One cannot "escape" suffering:

This is the second lesson in faith we learn from our sages: One cannot "escape" the sufferings decreed for our souls, as these sufferings were decreed for each soul personally even before its descent to this world.

Our sages said that even the smallest sufferings, such as "his cloak was turned inside out when worn," are sufferings calculated precisely from Heaven (Arachin 16b), all the more so for greater sufferings.

Since the sufferings regarding your match were decreed for your soul before your descent to the world, even if, heaven forbid, you had not kept the Torah and commandments, you would still endure the same sufferings exactly, and likely greater and more in your situation. For the Torah always benefits us, our physical and mental state, and alleviates the sufferings.

It is a fact that there is no shortage of older singles and divorcees in non-religious communities, where relationships are often built only on externals and careers, not on intrinsic values and certainly without religious guidance. Moreover, a life lacking modesty and separation in workplaces leads to severe acts and family breakdowns in Israel, and in less severe cases, to a cooling in the marital connection over the years and the loss of love.

Statistics reveal disturbing data: Every third couple in Israel divorces, and anxiety and clinical depression have become the most common illnesses in Western society; thank G-d, these are less frequent in religious communities (although sadly, they are increasing due to imitation of non-religious culture!). If we follow the Torah's path, we will be happier.

Therefore, there is no doubt that your chances to marry your heart's choice and maintain a successful marriage will always be better in the world of Torah. But even in cases of decrees and delays, there is no doubt that your mental state will be easier in a religious environment, where you will receive better support and guidance in facing suffering.

So, remove these doubts from your heart. Trust that Hashem gave the Torah and commandments to benefit us both in this world and the next. Whoever acts against the Torah suffers more in their life than one who fulfills Hashem's commandments, in any situation. Especially when severe decrees and difficult delays have been decreed for the soul, suffering is doubly compounded outside the world of Torah and its guidance.

Prayers are your spiritual correction:

You wrote about your despair from prayers, but perhaps you should change your perspective about them.

Know that prayers are part of the spiritual correction required from the suffering person, to rectify the flaw attached to their soul in this and previous reincarnations, causing those sufferings.

All your prayers and tears were not in vain. Hashem gave you these sufferings because part of your spiritual correction in this world is to pray to Him and believe in His power to save you. Hashem is in our hearts and signals us to pray. Thus, when we pray, we primarily fulfill His will from us.

All the prayers you've prayed to date have elevated your soul and performed spiritual corrections your soul needed, bringing you closer to Him. They grant you spiritual merits, the greatness of which cannot be estimated or appreciated in the heavens.

Every prayer you have prayed, every charity you have given, every answer you have given, and every good deed in your life is recorded and remembered for good, and will stand for you eternally in the World to Come! None of them were in vain, disappeared, or forgotten by Him: "Blessed is He, before whom there is no injustice, forgetfulness, favoritism, or bribery, for all is His" (Avot 4:22).

The Mabit says: "...The purpose of prayer is not that it be answered but to demonstrate that none in the world is worthy of prayer except Hashem, and to recognize one's deficiency in this world, and there is none to fill his lack except Hashem. It was never for the purpose of achieving what was asked, as it suggests, heaven forbid, that if it was known that one would not be answered, they would not pray." (Beit Elokim)

Prayers as a savings account:

You should also believe that every prayer eases the suffering decreed for you, whether a little or a lot, meaning - without the prayers, your situation would be more difficult than it is today - both emotionally and physically.

Prayers always help to ease and sweeten the sufferings, provide strength and mental fortitude to face the challenge bravely, bring good people and advice into your life, moments of joy, and other distractions from your pain, and of course alleviate the decree.

If it was decreed that you will marry after a certain number of years, then thanks to the prayers, this time can be shortened by a year or two and more, and you will gain those happy years solely due to all the prayers you have prayed, without them the match would have been delayed longer. Believe and trust that prayers bring you closer to your good.

To avoid despair, try to think of your prayers as a long-term investment, like a savings account whose results are seen only after a long period of time, and not immediately.

Who is a greater example for us than Moses, the greatest of prophets, who prayed 515 prayers to enter the Land of Israel, and stopped praying only because Hashem told him to stop addressing this matter, as he said: "The LORD was furious with me for your sakes and did not hear me, and the LORD said to me: ʻEnough! Do not speak to me again on this matter'" (Deuteronomy 3:26).

Moses reached the required number of prayers to break the decree, and had he prayed one more prayer, he would have been answered. Only because in the secret way it was not good for his destiny and for the people of Israel, did Hashem ask him to stop praying about entering the land. Yet Moses knew that prayers add to each other, and no prayer is wasted.

Have we prayed more than 500 prayers from the depths of our hearts for our situation? And even if so, has Hashem descended from the heavens to inform us to stop praying about the matter we requested? Let us learn that we have no reason to despair from continuing to ask.

The prayers are kept in heaven as advocates for us:

"In the future, all those prayers will come before the LORD and will turn into great and mighty lights that the holy ones of Israel who do His will shall delight in. And sometimes the prayer stands outside because the prosecutors do not let it ascend, but at a favorable time, this prayer will press itself and rise because the words of Israel's prayer do not go to waste" (Midrash Pinchas).

Due to the importance of the topic, I will continue to answer you in the next article on your questions and offer, with Hashem's help, some useful advice for strengthening.