The Secret to Lasting Happiness: Why Expectations Shape Your Joy

If you walk into a falafel shop, you might see two people eating the exact same pita. One of them is overflowing with appreciation, thanking the shop owner for the delicious falafel, while the other looks disappointed, impatiently waiting to finish and leave.

Why the difference? It’s simple. The first man is a humble Jew of limited means. He managed to gather just enough to buy himself a serving of falafel, and with every bite he feels blessed. The second man, however, is accustomed to dining at fancy restaurants. Unable to find one today, he “settled” for falafel. So, although they are eating the same food, the first is joyful, because his expectations are low, while the second is frustrated, because his expectations are high.

Same Work, Different Hearts

My late mother once worked as a cook for dinner at a yeshiva. She had a colleague working alongside her. When my mother came home, she would speak with joy and pride about the great merit she had in feeding Torah students. “Because of the food I cook,” she would say, “they’re able to continue learning Torah!” When I once visited her at work, I heard her coworker complaining constantly about the boys who asked for second helpings, about how exhausting the job was, and how little she was being paid.

The work and hours were exactly the same. One experienced deep joy and satisfaction, while the other was full of frustration — simply because she believed she deserved a better job.

Let’s look at a few more relatable examples:

A young Torah scholar sets out with the goal of becoming one of the generation’s great leaders. He tells himself that unless he finishes at least ten pages of Gemara each day, he’ll never reach that goal. On a day when he completes only eight pages, he goes to bed feeling like a failure.

His friend, however, simply wants to bring pleasure to God and tries to learn with all his strength. When he sees that he completed eight pages, he goes to bed with a smile on his face and a heart full of gratitude for having had the opportunity to learn so much.

Consider a man who believes happiness lies in money, and that if he doesn’t earn at least 1,000 dollars a day, he’ll never be truly fulfilled. On a day when he earns less, he returns home disappointed and likely finds someone else to blame. His mood? Bitter and low.

Now picture someone who understands that money does not bring happiness. Our sages said, “He who has one hundred wants two hundred.” This man works to bring home food for his family, but doesn’t think he’s entitled to wealth, so when he earns 800 dollars in a day, he comes home and tells his wife to go buy something special.

Imagine a rabbi who sees himself as a world-class speaker. He arrives at a lecture and finds only 30 attendees and he’s disappointed. Another rabbi, who never thought he even deserved to teach Torah to one Jew, walks in and sees 10 people waiting to learn, and feels incredibly lucky that God gave him such a merit.

The Gift of Children

After my wife and I married, God gave us the chance to truly appreciate the gift of children. We waited seven years until we were blessed. During those years, I often thought, “Maybe I don’t deserve to have children”. When we finally received the news that we were expecting, I broke down in tears of joy. When our twin daughters were born, I felt like the happiest person on Earth.

Two years later, we were blessed again, with another set of beautiful twin girls. And five years after that, God gifted us a fifth daughter. Five daughters, thank God. Ever since, we continue to wait in hope for more blessings.

Sometimes people ask me, “Aren’t you sad that you don’t have a son to carry on your name?” Or, “Don’t you have any complaints to God for not giving you a boy?”

You already know my answer. “Who am I to think I deserve to bring even a single Jewish soul into the world? Baruch Hashem, my wife and I have already partnered with the Creator five times! Should I be sad?! There were times I couldn’t imagine anyone ever calling me ‘Abba,’ and now five daughters call me that. Would I dare complain to God?!”

Marriage Expectations: Same Spouse, Different Experience

Take two modest and righteous young women who recently married. Both ended up with good, average yeshiva boys.

One of them had envisioned marrying a tall, handsome Torah scholar with a thick wallet, who would pamper her constantly. The moment she sees her husband doesn’t meet those expectations, she feels deceived, maybe even wondering if a “mistake in Heaven’s computer” led her to the wrong match.

The other woman simply hoped for a good, kind man with whom she could build a sacred home. Height didn’t matter, nor did money. She feels deeply blessed to have married a Torah-observant man and sends gifts to the matchmaker every anniversary.

The Core Message

Joy or disappointment isn’t about what we have, but about what we believe we deserve.

If we think we’re entitled to perfect health, endless wisdom, limitless money, constant honor, flawless spouses, and children like Rav Ovadia Yosef, we are bound to live lives full of disappointment and sadness. After all, no person has perfect health, or boundless intelligence, or all those other fantasies. These are the illusions of pride.

If we realize that we’re not owed anything and we see everything we receive as a pure gift, we’ll start to feel truly happy. If I don’t think I deserve perfect health, then even partial health will fill me with joy. If I don’t expect riches, then every paycheck feels like a miracle. If I don’t demand wisdom, then every insight feels like treasure.

Now imagine that on top of all these free gifts, God grants me a spouse. At my wedding, I’ll cry tears of overwhelming gratitude. And if I’m blessed further with a child — a soul from Heaven brought into the world through me, even if that child is completely average (not another Rav Ovadia), I’ll run through the streets shouting, “God is good!” until someone calls the police.

Because I’ll know: it’s all a gift. Every single bit of it.