How to Cultivate True Humility: Ramban’s Letter and Torah Insights

In a previous article, we spoke about the advice of faith that leads to humility. We will now explore several additional practical tools.

Speak Gently

Rabbi Moshe ben Nachman, known as the Ramban, wrote a famous letter to his son Nachman, whom he lovingly called “my faithful son.” In this letter, he provided timeless guidance to help a person acquire humility: “Accustom yourself always to speak all your words gently, to every person and at all times. In this way, you will be saved from anger, which is an evil trait. Once you are saved from anger, humility will enter your heart, for humility is the finest of all traits, as it is written (Proverbs 22:4): ‘The reward of humility is the fear of the Lord.’”

The Ramban explains that by overcoming inner anger, pride also falls away. External actions lead to inner change. If we train ourselves to speak softly, by not shouting or using harsh words — even to those “beneath” us, eventually we will calm our anger and naturally begin to think and act with humility.

A man walking proudly with his head held high, chest out, dressed in designer clothing, and driving a luxury car, will gradually absorb arrogance into his heart even if deep down he is modest. He will likely begin to feel superior to others and speak with impatience and condescension.

In contrast, a person who inwardly feels pride but trains himself to lower his eyes, walk humbly, dress with dignity but not ostentation, and answer every person with gentleness, will slowly bend his heart toward humility and his inner self will be reshaped.

At the beginning of my chapter on humility, I wrote that one who studies and repeats the greatness of this trait will surely see personal salvation. This is because most of our hardships come only to break arrogance within us, as it says (Mishlei 29:23): “A man’s pride will bring him low.” When arrogance is uprooted through learning and self-discipline, there is no need for suffering.

This is precisely the Ramban’s promise to his son: “On the day you read this letter, you will be answered from Heaven as soon as it rises in your heart.” If humility enters the heart, Heaven has no reason to withhold blessing.

I once experienced this firsthand. A man drove me home from a lecture, and while waiting for me he read the Ramban’s letter. I asked why and he replied: “Because I want to merit the Ramban’s promise, that on the day you read the letter, you will be answered from Heaven.” I asked if he had seen salvation. He sighed: “Far from it — I’m about to divorce my wife, and I’ve just been fired.”

During the ride he received a phone call from his wife. His loud shouting nearly burst my eardrums. Finally, in his rage, he hurled the phone across the car until it shattered.

It was clear why Heaven did not answer him. It is not enough to parrot the Ramban’s letter. One must internalize its message, practice it, and struggle to live it.

Prayer, Prayer, and More Prayer

The evil inclination is made of fire, while we are flesh and blood. Without God’s help, we cannot defeat it (Kiddushin 30b). How then does God intervene without violating free will? By sending faithful teachers to guide us, by planting good ideas in our hearts, and by arranging reminders to help us see our true place.

Just as we pray daily for livelihood, health, and wisdom, we must also pray for humility. Humility is the root of joy, and joy leads to true happiness.

Know Your Place

The Ramban also writes to his son: “Consider every person greater than yourself. If he is wiser or wealthier, you must honor him. If he is poor and you are wealthier or wiser, remind yourself that he is innocent and you are guilty — if he sins, he does so by mistake, but you may sin knowingly.”

Moshe Rabbeinu (Moses) was the humblest of all men. How could Moses see even men like Datan and Aviram who were rebels against him, as greater than himself? Isn’t that contrary to logic?

Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler in Michtav Me’Eliyahu explains that Moshe thought to himself, “If I had been given souls like theirs and raised in their environment, perhaps I would be worse than them.”

Further, God does not judge man by success or failure, but by how he uses his potential. Moshe, who was given a lofty soul, was held to the highest standard and perhaps he had not yet fulfilled God’s expectations. However, Datan and Aviram, born with lowly souls and powerful inclinations, may have been maximizing their potential.

The secret of Moshe's humility was seeing the greatness in others, and his own endless responsibility before God.