Rabbi Yigal Cohen – More Advice on the Path to Humility

In a previous column, we discussed the advice of faith leading to humility. Now we will discuss several additional pieces of advice.

Tip Two – Speak Calmly

Rabbi Moshe ben Nachman, known as "the Ramban," wrote a letter to his son Nachman, whom he called "my faithful son," and in that letter, he writes to his beloved son a wonderful piece of advice that will help anyone become accustomed to the quality of humility.

And in it, he writes to his son: "Always strive to speak all your words softly, to everyone and at all times, and thus you will avoid anger, which is a bad trait. And when you are saved from anger, the quality of humility will naturally arise in your heart, which is the best of all good qualities, as it is said (Proverbs 22:4) 'The reward for humility is the fear of Hashem.'"

Here the Ramban reveals his method for correcting traits, that is, by eliminating internal anger, pride will also be removed from your heart. External actions will lead to internal changes; if we practice speaking calmly, not yelling, using gentle language rather than harsh language with everyone, even those inferior to us, over time, we will overcome anger and think with reason and calmness, and through speaking calmly, our hearts will embrace humility.

Let me try to clarify the Ramban's words -

A person who walks down the street with head held high and chest puffed out, wearing fashionable brands, and driving a luxury car, even if internally humble and lowly, will gradually develop a very negative trait, which is pride, until he feels superior to most people and looks down on those below him, and his speech will become impatient and boastful.

In contrast, a person who internally feels pride over others, if he walks with a bent posture and averts his eyes to the ground, not looking at the face of the person he is speaking with, and wears respectable yet not ostentatious clothes, and speaks softly to everyone, and if someone calls him, he does not answer loudly but rather softly as standing before his teacher, over time his heart will submit before the Creator, and even his inner self will transform into acquiring the trait of humility.

At the beginning of the chapter on humility, I wrote that I am confident that whoever studies and internalizes the greatness of humility will surely see salvation, for most troubles that befall us are to remove pride from our hearts, as it is said (Proverbs 29:23) 'A man's pride will bring him low,' and when we eliminate this trait through learning, there is no longer a need for suffering.

Now I found that this is indeed the Ramban's assurance to his son, "that every day he reads this letter he will be answered from heaven as it arises in your heart," and this is because if the trait of humility enters his heart, there will be no reason to prevent him from fulfilling his desires.

I now recall an incident, where a Jew was driving me home from a lesson, and while waiting for me, he read the Ramban's letter. When I asked him why he was reading this letter, he said it was because he wants to earn the Ramban's promise that on the day he reads the letter, he would be answered from heaven. I asked him: Well, have you already seen salvations? He replied: "I wish for salvations; I am about to divorce my wife, and additionally, I was fired from my job." I answered him in a gentle tone: "Do not despair, Hashem will help!"

During the journey, this person received a phone call from his wife, during which his loud shouts threatened to tear my eardrum.

Until suddenly he grabbed the phone, and in his fury - no less and no more - threw it until it broke.

You surely understand why he was not answered from heaven according to the Ramban's promise; it is not enough to read the Ramban's letter like a parrot, one needs to understand and internalize the words, and especially practice and strive to fulfill them.

Tip Three – Prayer, Prayer, and More Prayer

The evil inclination is made of fire and we are flesh and blood, and unless Hashem helps us against it, we cannot overcome it (Kiddushin 30b). And if you ask how Hashem can intervene in our free choice? The answer is that He sends us loyal messengers to teach us the way to reach this wonderful trait, and additionally gives us ideas on how to overcome anger and pride, and sometimes makes sure to send us a reminder to understand our place.

Just as we pray every day for livelihood, health, and wisdom, so we need to pray for humility, for it is the root of the trait of joy that leads a person to the peak of happiness.

Tip Four – Know Your Place

The Ramban writes in his letter to his son: "Let everyone be greater than you in your eyes; if he is wise or wealthy, you must honor him, and if he is poor and you are wealthier or wiser than he, think in your heart that you are more obligated than he is and he more worthy than you, for if he sins, he does so unknowingly and you knowingly."

Moses our Teacher, peace be upon him, was humbler than all his generation as I wrote above, and the question arises, what did Moses think in his heart when he saw the wicked Dathan and Abiram, thinking they were better than him? Is it humility to think contrary to logic?

I saw in the book "A Letter from Elijah" that Moses felt Dathan and Abiram were better than him for two reasons; one, he might have thought, if I had received souls like theirs and grown up in an environment like theirs, I would have been worse than them in my actions. The second, a person is measured by Hashem not according to successes and failures, but according to exploiting his potential, and therefore Moses said to himself, I, who received a very high soul, the demands of Hashem for me are immense, and maybe I am still not meeting the expectations of Hashem, whereas Dathan and Abiram were born with lower souls, and they actually make the most of their capabilities, despite the great evil inclination they have.

The book 'Yagel Libi B'Y'shuatecha' can be obtained at select stores and at Hidabroot Shops