The Trap of Honor: Why Pride and Compliments Can Destroy Us

In my youth, I drove a tiny car called an Autobianchi. It had only a spinning fan, and on hot days in our holy land I would turn the fan toward myself just to cool down. Around me, others sat in air-conditioned cars and laughed at me.

I once asked God a foolish question: “Why don’t You give me a comfortable, air-conditioned car like everyone else?”

Now the answer is clear. God, in His mercy, knew that if I had a fancy car, my thoughts would revolve around the car and other vanities, and Torah would, Heaven forbid, become secondary. So He left me with my little car, so that I would chase truth rather than chase falsehood.

Waiting for the Right Time

A young woman still waiting to meet her match, prays for a husband who is a true scholar with refined character. God also wants to give her what she desires, but He knows the future. He sees that with her current traits, she might belittle him because of his gentle nature, or fail to truly respect his opinions, because he does make demands.

Therefore, God waits until she is “ready” for such a husband. If she reflects, works on her character, learns to listen more and be calmer, then God will quickly grant her wish and send her the partner she longs for.

Success and Humility

It is very difficult to convince a person who seems successful in every area of health, wealth, and reputation, that he is still lacking, and has not fulfilled even a small part of God’s expectations.

Such a person will immediately respond: “I’m nothing? Look how much Torah I’ve studied and taught! Look how many yeshivot I support with my money! Look how many people want to be my friend!”

When God sees such pride, He may have no choice but to send him something as small as a germ to put him in his place. Suddenly, when he falls ill, he asks: “Why, God? I studied, I taught, I gave so much!” Yet he doesn’t realize that, out of love, God gave him illness to humble him. When lying weak and helpless in bed, perhaps then he will understand his limits and cast himself fully upon God.

The Illusion of Honor

Rabbi Elazar HaKappar said: “Envy, desire, and honor drive a person out of the world” (Pirkei Avot 4:28). Every human being craves honor, though some chase it endlessly while others are satisfied with a little.

In truth however, honor is meaningless. At the end of the day, we return to our simple homes, and honor vanishes into nothing. When we go to sleep at night, it disappears as if it never existed. Worse still, the more honor we receive, the more painful it becomes when we are insulted. As stated in Mishlei (16:18): “Pride goes before destruction.” The higher we are lifted, the harder we fall.

In the Amidah prayer we ask: “Let my soul be like dust to all.” Just as dust lies low and is not hurt when stepped on — in fact, even when trampled it produces new crops, we too should remain unshaken when others tread upon us.

The more we get accustomed to honor, the more addicted we become, until no amount of honor in the world can satisfy us.

A Personal Lesson About Teaching

When I began giving Torah lessons, only five people came. I was overjoyed that I merited teaching five Jews. Then the class grew to ten, then twenty, then thirty.

One day, only eight people showed up, and I felt hurt: “What? Only eight people came to hear me?”

That’s when I realized how addictive honor can be. Even one student is a priceless gift. Who am I to complain when eight people come to learn?

The Addiction of Compliments

We all love compliments, but they must be handled carefully. If your wife praises you as a righteous, kind, and considerate husband, and you accept and believe it, you set yourself up for disappointment. If a month later, she speaks less warmly, you’ll feel deeply hurt. Even if she simply fails to compliment you the next day, you’ll feel devalued.

This is the danger of compliments: once you get used to them, their absence becomes painful.

Rabbeinu Bachya wrote in Sha’ar HaKeniah (The Gate of Humility) that if someone praises you for a good deed, immediately think: “Did I do it? It is God who keeps my heart, kidneys, and liver working at every moment. Only through His power was I able to act. How can I take pride in deeds that are not truly mine?” Even if you really did something good, it is only a tiny fraction of what God expects of you.

Redirecting Praise to God

The best way to handle compliments is to follow King David’s words (Divrei Hayamim I, 29:11): “Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in heaven and on earth is Yours.”

If people praise your wisdom, remember the wisdom is His. If they praise your strength, know that strength belongs to Him. If you give charity, remember the wealth is His gift. Even beauty is not your achievement — it is simply how God decided you would enter the world.

Honor Is Like a Drug

Honor is like a drug: it feels amazing at first, but when the effect wears off, you crave more and more. When you don’t get it, the absence is painful, and in the end it can destroy you.

I once heard a tragic story of a man who reached the height of fame in the media and his name was known across the country. Then younger stars began to replace him and slowly, he was pushed aside. He could not accept it. Like an addict desperate for his next dose, he even sent thugs to intimidate his superiors into restoring his position.

Eventually, he was caught, tried, and disgraced. Unable to bear his new reality, he was lost to the world.

This is the power, and danger, of honor.