The Allure of Honor – Like an Addictive Drug

Today I understand why in my youth I had a small car called 'Autobianchi', with a rotating fan, and in the holy land's hot days, I would turn with the fan to cool my body until I saw people around me in air-conditioned cars laughing at me.

I asked a foolish question to Hashem: "Why don't you give me an air-conditioned and comfortable car like those surrounding me?"

The answer is very clear to me today: Hashem had mercy on me and knew that if I had a fancy car, all my thoughts would be on the car and similar vanities, and the Torah would, heaven forbid, be secondary. That's why He left me with my small car, so that I would pursue truth and not falsehood.

A young woman who has not yet found her match and is looking for something special, a wise student with good traits, etc., of course, Hashem wants to grant her wish, but He knows the future. He sees that with her current traits, she might condescend to him due to the delicacy of his soul and might end up disrespecting his Torah honor, or not listening to his opinions since he does not know how to shout and demand. Therefore, Hashem waits for her to be "worthy" of such a husband.

If only this young woman internalizes and tries to improve her traits—to be more attentive, calm, etc.—then immediately Hashem will fulfill her wishes and send the match she wanted.

It's very hard to convince a person who succeeds in all his actions from every angle, in body and wealth, and even widely accepted in society that he is essentially nothing and is very lacking, having not even met the Creator's expectations in the slightest. He would immediately respond:

"I'm nothing? See how much Torah I know, how much Torah I taught to students, so many yeshivas I support with my money, and in general, see how many people want my company."

When Hashem sees this, understand there's no choice but to send a small virus, to put him in his place, and when he becomes ill, he asks, "Why? I studied and taught and did so much," not understanding that this illness came from Hashem's love for him, to position him appropriately so that when he's weak and helpless, he might comprehend his place and know his weakness, forcing him to throw himself onto Hashem.

Honor

Rabbi Eleazar HaKappar said, "Envy, lust, and honor remove a person from the world" (Avot 4:28). There isn’t anyone in the world who doesn’t want honor. However, some seek it at all costs, while others are content with a little honor.

In truth, honor is vanity. After all, at the end of the day, we return to our simple home, and none of the honor remains. When we lie down to sleep, the honor disappears as if it never was. The more honor we receive, the more it hurts when others diminish us later, as it's written in Proverbs (16:18) "Pride goes before a fall", implying that the exaltation comes before the collapse to make the fall more painful.

Therefore, in the Amidah prayer, we ask "and may my soul be like dust to all", just as dust is always lowly and when people tread on it, it doesn’t feel humiliated or hurt. Moreover, although people step on it and strike it, it still produces new yields for us. So too, we should feel nothing when others attack us.

Furthermore, the more accustomed we become to honor, the more we'll demand it in greater quantities until all the honor in the world isn't enough.

An example: when I started giving lessons, about five Jews attended, and I was very happy to be able to teach Torah to five Jews. The attendance grew to ten, twenty, and thirty.

One day, for some reason only eight people showed up, and I felt hurt, thinking to myself, "What? Only eight people came to hear me?"

Beware of Addiction

Then I understood that honor is addictive. If we get used to it, it only grows and demands more and more. The truth is that even one Jew hearing me is already a great gift unparalleled in the world. Who am I to complain about eight people listening to me?

We all love compliments, but we need to accept them with utmost care. Some days, your wife might wake up in the morning and compliment you on how righteous, good, and considerate you are. If you believe and accept these words, you’re in for a big disappointment because what happens a month later when she says slightly different things? You'll feel very hurt. "I'm the righteous husband, etc. How could she?" Moreover, even if the next day you don't receive a compliment, you'll already feel undermined.

This applies to all kinds of compliments. If we get accustomed to them and believe in them, we will feel deeply lacking when we don't receive them and greatly hurt when others diminish us. Therefore, Rabbeinu Bechaye writes in Sha'ar HaKniah that if a Jew has done something special, earning praise, he should think in his heart, "Did I do it? Clearly, Hashem operates my heart, kidneys, liver at every moment. With His power alone did I manage to do good deeds, and how can I boast about actions that aren't mine. Even if 'I did it', it is minimal compared to what Hashem expects of me.

And if people knew of my misdeeds, they certainly wouldn't praise me.

How to Cope

A good and correct way to handle compliments without engendering pride is to apply King David's statement (1 Chronicles 29:11) "To You, Hashem, is the greatness and power and glory and victory and majesty, for everything in heaven and earth is yours”, meaning to attribute the virtues within us to Hashem.

If praised for wisdom, we must know that wisdom is from Him alone, and to Him, the true praise is due. Likewise for strength, which belongs solely to Hashem, and wealth. If blessed to give charity generously, we must know that the wealth is His alone, and with His grace, it was bestowed upon us as a free gift.

If complimented on beauty or similar qualities, certainly one should not take pride in it, for he did nothing for it. It was Hashem's wisdom that decreed he would enter the world in this way, so how can he pride himself on something that is not from him at all?

Honor is akin to a drug, when consumed it feels amazing, but after a few hours, when the drug dissipates, reality strikes and then you crave more and more. When not received, it's lacking to the point of pain until, eventually, the honor can remove a person from the world.

Like the unfortunate story I heard a few years ago about a Jew who reached the fame peak in the media industry and became famous throughout the country. Then, someone decided it was the younger generation's turn, and he was gradually pushed out. Naturally, he couldn't accept this and found it hard to adjust to his new status (as I wrote, it's just like a drug). He sent thugs to intimidate the authorities to regain his position. When the authorities caught him and judged him for his actions, he couldn't bear his new status, and unfortunately, he departed from the world.

The book 'Yagel Libi B'Yeshuatecha' can be found in select stores and at Hidabroot Shops