Rabbi Yigal Cohen's Crisis: I Am Not Serving Hashem with Joy; I'm Too Stressed to Succeed

One thing we must know: nothing bad comes from Hashem because the Creator is entirely good, and we are all creations of the Creator, blessed be He, and every Jew is truly a part of Him. It is inconceivable that the Creator would want to harm a part of Himself. Moreover, He is the perfect good, and it is not the way of good to cause harm at all.

In the past, I wrote briefly about a severe crisis I went through many years ago. It was during a peak period when I was thriving in Torah study. I was blessed to persevere in Torah study until I was utterly exhausted, barely speaking to anyone, eating and sleeping little, all in the pursuit of growing in Torah and fear of Hashem.

Suddenly, on a clear day when I woke up in the morning, I felt severe dizziness and tremendous weakness, I did not give up and tried to open the Gemara and study as I usually do. And behold, when I made an effort to learn and understand the Gemara, the weakness overwhelmed me even more. I returned home to rest, thinking perhaps I was just tired—so I told myself.

And no! I was deceiving myself. Even after a long sleep, I still felt very weak as if I hadn't slept at all. I realized I had to get checked out; something was happening to me.

After visiting the doctor, I was sent for tests, which, by Hashem's grace, came back normal. I explained to the doctor that perhaps the tests were fine, but I was not, indeed!

The doctor sent me for additional tests, which also came back normal. I tried seeing more specialized experts, and all their responses were: "Everything is fine!"

Meanwhile, during this entire period, I could not return to myself and my studies. The only thing I could manage was to read Psalms for a limited time.

I cried out every day to Hashem—

"Master of the Universe, let me make you happy, give me the strength to study your Torah. All my requests and desires are solely to do your will."

And Hashem decided to keep the situation as it was.

In my distress, I turned to all the sages I knew and the great ones of the generation, pleading: "Please pray for me to be cured of my weaknesses and various pains so that I can return to my studies."

Over time, different thoughts started entering my heart. Could it be that Hashem is punishing me for my actions? Maybe He doesn't want me to study Torah? Perhaps I'll never get out of this?

In short, every negative thought possible entered my heart.

This situation lasted for about a year and a half. You can understand it was not easy at all until Hashem granted me the opportunity to meet a doctor who was also a learned sage familiar with the human soul. Initially, I tried convincing him that maybe I should do this or that test, but he dismissed my words decisively: "You are healthy; you have nothing. You're just very stressed and not happy. Go home, play good music you love, and simply serve Hashem with joy," he concluded.

I returned home contemplating his words. Initially, it was hard for me to accept his words—am I not happy? It didn't seem so to me—I thought to myself. But perhaps I should try what he suggested. I played some good music and tried to relax and smile.

And lo and behold, I started feeling a bit stronger, and the pains began to disappear. Gradually I came to understand—

"I am not serving Hashem with joy! I am too stressed to succeed!"

At that moment, I resolved that if Hashem sent me such suffering, it is probably because He wants me to change my ways; Hashem wants me to serve Him with genuine joy and, in addition, out of love for Him, not just fear as I was accustomed to in my youth.

Thus, I began anew, like a newborn baby, learning a new path for me, which is faith and trust in Hashem, bringing a person to joy. Also, correcting and removing bad traits and especially loving mankind, to brighten others’ faces, not just thinking about my advancement, but also helping others progress.

As I advanced in faith, trust, peace, and joy, I felt how my body strengthened and returned to its former state, thank God. Then I understood for certain how right that doctor was; all I was missing was simply implementing the verse (Psalms 100:2) "Serve Hashem with joy."

When during my studies, I came across the topic of "everything is for the good," I asked myself, "What good was there in being ill for a year and a half? How can one say this is good? Perhaps it was in atonement for sins, which is also good, but to say it is perfect good even in this world, was initially hard for me to accept.

Until Hashem blessed me to understand that those tough eighteen months I went through were actually the greatest gift I had received in my life. This crisis changed my entire way of serving the Creator; I transitioned from a Jew serving his Creator out of terrible fear to one striving to serve out of true love.

I began teaching classes to others to make my Creator happy and not only for my own sake. I was privileged to reach the understanding that there is no reason to fear anything or worry about anything. What is greater than the merit of learning about the greatness of trust in Hashem? I have no words to describe to you the happiness that fills me from knowing that the almighty Creator is with me at every moment, and I don't need to flatter people, as my livelihood is assured by Him.

In short, I am in good hands.

The book I wrote came into existence because of the crisis I went through, which pushed me to study these subjects deeply and fueled me with a great desire to spread these words to the public so that all may know that Hashem is the Almighty.

Nothing makes me happier than seeing a Jew who served Hashem out of fear and sadness turn into one who serves Hashem with joy!

Simply because I understand how important it is in the eyes of the blessed Creator to smile at Him. Imagine you give your child all his requests, attempting to please him in every way, yet the child constantly shows a frowny, sad, and stressed face.

"What is wrong, my son?"—You would certainly ask him. "Am I not a good enough parent for you to be happy with your lot? Why are you sad when we are not lacking anything for you?"—just like that child, so too does a Jew act who is not happy in serving the Creator.

The book 'Yigal Libi B'Yeshua'techa' can be obtained in select stores and at Hidabroot Shops.