"Remember Me, Remember Me. And Ensure I Do Not Decay Here in This Stale Place of Unanswered Prayers"

"Remember me, remember me

And strengthen me

But this time, Hashem

This time.

And let me avenge, avenge one of my two eyes.

Avenge one of my two eyes from the Philistines."

This morning, upon receiving the joyful news of another relative who gave birth successfully, while I've been praying for 15 years for a partner and children – I found myself crying and singing the lyrics of my favorite song 'Remember me, remember me'. The flood of emotions that emerged at that moment led me to put these words on paper, as it had been (perhaps too) long since I last felt such emotional release.

I know, Father, that everything happens in its time, and despite the challenging trial – I am still waiting for You. I still tightly grasp the hem of Your garment, deathly afraid of the 'Manasseh' within me, that wants to abandon sanctity and run to idolatry – all because he hasn’t received what he’s been praying for all these years.

So dear Father, just because I’m still here and just because I’m Your 'special' daughter, whose life is far from 'normal' – I ask, I beg, I plead, I remind:

Remember me, remember me. Remember the tears I’ve shed for 15 years seeking salvation. Remember all my efforts 'for Rachel your smaller daughter' and 'for my love for you'. Remember now that You have a daughter to save from the artillery of salvations she is witnessing now – among everyone else, apart from her.

Avenge? Not at all. Because in me

there is no – revenge.

There is no longing for revenge, I love everyone dear Father, I wish well for everyone. I want no harm for anyone, I don’t want to hate or envy or be angry. I want to be good, with both my eyes. But if there’s someone who wishes to harm and hurt me, You will be the avenger, but do it not with full force, but only 'one of my two eyes'. Because You have mercy, and I want to emulate You.

I don’t want to revenge against anyone, and certainly not You, Heaven forbid. So although I have prayed for years and feel like others receive the salvations I’ve bled for like a partner and children- but I know Creator of the Universe that only happiness – even this time to say 'ah' and not 'but' – this is the only thing that will lead me out of the darkness and narrow-mindedness.

Not married yet? Ah.

Not yet a mother? Ah.

Haven’t found the love of my life yet? Ah.

Sure, I still have questions, and sure, there’s a 'but' that I want to shout out with all my might. With all my strength, and I do have strength.

But I’m tired of asking why, and I’m tired of keeping unresolved questions inside me, and the great void of waiting for all these salvations.

"Avenge spells decay. Please ensure I do not decay here, in this so 'stinking' void"

So remember me, remember me.

Remember me twice, just this time.

Remember the tears, remember the cries, remember the bleeding wounds, remember the lost youth, remember the prayers, remember the void I’ve been immersed in for years.

Please – youth, none. Comfort, none.

So many things vanished in the heat of wanting to be close to You, to know You and be an integral part of Your community of believers – but I believe the 'revenge' from the Philistines – will come, will come.

Who are these Philistines? Those who invaded my fortress of faith, the fortified wall I built around me and you, so they couldn’t harm us – and sprayed my eyes with tear gas of disbelief in You. Those who’ve already lost hope that I would ever marry and bear children. Those who don’t believe that You and I – still have redemption. That we together are destined for success and fulfillment. That it’s not eternal emptiness. Those who’ve already made me believe that my way, the path I chose and You chose for me - isn’t good enough for salvation. That if only I were like them now – a bit less modest, a bit less observing the commandments, a bit less fear of Heaven and a bit more 'going with the flow' without insisting on their meaning – then I’d surely have all that my heart desires.

So you know what? I won’t give up on you, no matter how empty I’ll feel in my life. No matter what additional trials come my way. I won’t give up on what I found in You, on the special bond forged over the years between You and me.

Avenge spells decay.

Please ensure I do not decay here, in this so 'stinking' void. I don’t want to become rot inside the feelings of envy boiling within me now. I don’t want to rot with questions and doubts within this crushing emptiness. I don’t want my prayers to turn into a kind of rotten lump, tasteless and foul, that one only wishes to get rid of, to throw in the nearest trash and be done with it.

I know that meanwhile, things are happening, that meanwhile, I’m collecting money (and longings) so that one day I’ll be worthy to enter Your treasury. Because there’s nothing to do. I’m of the quality people, and I don’t settle for the 'cheap' goods available everywhere. If I’ve already reached the palace of the king, if you’ve already brought me inside the first gates and I’m already at the throne of honor – then I won’t give up now. I’ll continue on my path until the investigations end, until heaven decides I’m knowledgeable enough, deserving of purchasing the special goods waiting there, sparkling and precise - just for me.

Listen to the song 'Remember Me':