Why Don’t I Feel Excited About Having Children? A Jewish Perspective on Motherhood and Faith

Dafna (name changed) writes:

"Hello. I’m a single woman, older in age, and thankfully I’ve returned to a life of faith. I have a question I’m embarrassed to ask, so I’m writing it here: I know some sweet and adorable children, but at the same time I see how much energy they demand. Many cause trouble, speak disrespectfully, and don’t always show gratitude to their parents for all the hard work and sacrifice. I know G-d commanded us to bring children into the world, so I understand that it must be good—but I want to connect this mitzvah more deeply to my mind and heart. Why don’t I feel excited or joyful about the idea of having children the way others do? Is something wrong with me? I’ll add that I had a difficult childhood and struggles with my parents. Thank you."

Dear Dafna,

Thank you for your honest and thoughtful question.

There’s a saying in the Talmud: “A shy person does not learn”, so it’s beautiful that you’ve chosen to ask this rather than keep it hidden inside. Your question is not only valid, but quite relevant in our generation.

It’s true that we live in a time when many children are raised without proper discipline, and many parents—often unknowingly—lack the tools for healthy parenting. Influenced by a permissive Western culture, they often err in two major ways: on one hand, they fail to set clear and necessary boundaries; on the other, they don’t give their children the personal attention, warmth, and validation they so deeply need. The result is often disrespectful or emotionally disconnected behavior.

This is exactly why Jewish education is so critical. Parents who raise children based on Torah guidance often see very different results: deeper connection, greater mutual respect, and spiritual growth, for both parent and child. Even with challenging children, a Torah-based approach gives parents real tools for dealing with them wisely and with compassion.

Children Are a Long-Term Investment

It’s important to understand that children are not about short-term returns but they are a lifetime investment. Children grow into adults, who naturally become more emotionally mature, grateful, and respectful. In most healthy families, adult children are the greatest source of joy and support in their parents’ later years.

Yes, there are exceptions in cases of abusive, neglectful, or emotionally damaged parenting, but where love, boundaries, and values were present, the bond usually deepens with time. In Torah homes especially, where children are raised with respect for parents and a sense of gratitude, the family connection becomes unbreakable, strengthened by shared faith and tradition.

If you’re not yet convinced, ask any older person what gives them the most joy and meaning in life. Almost without exception, they’ll tell you: my children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Children are an investment that pays back over a lifetime, with interest.

From your words, it sounds like you’re projecting your feelings about children you know onto the idea of having your own. That’s a common mistake, and one worth correcting.

There is no comparison between the experience of observing other people’s children and the experience of being a parent yourself. Your own children will be of your flesh and blood, carrying parts of your personality, your soul, and your expressions. They will be born with a spiritual bond to you, created from heaven, that links you together in ways deeper than language can describe.

Having a child doesn’t feel like “one more responsibility” to add to your to-do list—it feels like nurturing a living part of your own being. You grow with them, you mature with them, and their milestones become your own. In many ways, it feels like you begin life anew when your child is born.

Parenting Unlocks Hidden Parts of the Soul

G-d placed within each of us dormant emotional capacities that only awaken at specific moments. The love of a parent for a child is one of them. You cannot fully imagine what it feels like to love your own child until the moment that child is placed in your arms.

This love isn’t theoretical. It’s not an idea or a plan. It’s a sensation, an unspoken language of the heart. Just as you can’t explain music to someone who’s never heard, or color to someone who’s never seen, you can’t explain the feeling of parental love to someone who hasn’t yet experienced it.

The excitement and “sparkle” you see in others often comes only after the child arrives. For singles, it’s simply not accessible in the same way—it’s not because you’re “off” or broken.

Don’t Overthink What the Heart Was Designed to Experience

Sometimes, people try to rationalize or overanalyze what should simply be lived. King Solomon said it best: “G-d made man upright, but they sought many calculations.” (Ecclesiastes 7:29)
And: “A person’s foolishness distorts his path, and his heart rages against G-d.” (Proverbs 19:3)

Too much thinking can block us from simple, heartfelt truths. The Torah advises us to follow G-d's design with trust, even when we don’t feel emotionally aligned yet: “Be wholehearted with the Lord your God.” (Deuteronomy 18:13)

Why Have Children? Three Core Reasons

1. It’s a divine commandment: G-d commanded us to "be fruitful and multiply." Just as our parents brought us into the world, we now carry that mission forward. Our physical and emotional design reflects that purpose—just as we eat, sleep, and breathe to survive, bringing life into the world is part of our earthly purpose.

2. Love of the Jewish people: Bringing Jewish children into the world is an act of love for our people. The Jewish nation—guardians of Torah for over 3,000 years—needs continuity. By raising children with love of G-d, Torah, and mitzvot, we're strengthening our people and shaping the world’s spiritual future.

3. Spiritual development: We’re here to grow, refine our character, and become better human beings. What relationship challenges us more deeply to love, sacrifice, forgive, and rise to our potential than parenting? Raising children is the ultimate workshop in compassion and self-transcendence. It’s no accident that G-d compares His love for us to that of a parent for a child.

You Are Not Broken

There is nothing wrong with you. It’s understandable that years of childlessness may have led your mind to create certain defense mechanisms. Perhaps your difficult childhood planted fears about family life. These are natural, and they’re not your fault. However, they are also not the truth. You are not bound by your past. You've already proven that by returning to a life of faith. You’ve shown strength and freedom of choice.

In fact, your intelligence and self-awareness will likely make you an excellent, thoughtful mother. You’ll raise your children with wisdom, compassion, and balance, precisely because you’ve experienced what doesn’t work.

With Gd's help, may you soon find your true soulmate, build a joyful and peaceful home, and raise sons and daughters devoted to Torah and kindness. May your journey be filled with clarity, growth, and blessing, and may the sparkle you're seeking soon light up your heart in ways you never imagined.