How to Bring the Estranged Closer?
Tips and common pitfalls for engaging the estranged in our generation.
- דניאל בלס
- פורסם ל' סיון התשע"ו
#VALUE!
Avishai asks: "I have two friends who regularly study Torah with me. They are not religious, and I really want to bring them closer. How should I do this? They don't really know about Judaism, and one of them is interested but not a believer."
1. It is important to know that the greatest influence comes primarily from a good personal example. You must show them that you are a better person thanks to Judaism, be a person with true fear of heaven - in prayer, in learning, and in good qualities between man and his fellow. A person whose words and heart are united, who shows genuine love for the Creator of the Universe and the people of Israel. This is how the Rambam instructed in describing the behavior of true Torah scholars (Hilchot De’ot 5:7):
"A Torah scholar should not shout and scream while speaking like animals and beasts. He shouldn't raise his voice excessively but speak calmly with all people. When he does speak calmly, he should be careful not to distance himself so much that he appears arrogant. He initiates greetings to all people so they will be pleased with him. He judges all people favorably. He always speaks in praise of others, not in their disfavor. He loves peace and pursues peace. If he sees his words are beneficial and heard, he says them; if not, he remains silent! ...He should not see his fellow in his downfall but overlook it. He should not lie nor add or detract except in matters of peace and similar issues. In summary: he only speaks words of wisdom or kindness and the like."
2. You regularly study with them, which is a tremendously strengthening act, as our sages said: "And they kept my Torah - because they engaged with it, its light brought them back to goodness" (Midrash Eicha Rabbah). When you teach them Torah, you are building their world, and even if the learning is but drops, many drops can break even a rock, for nothing strengthens like consistent connection to the Torah.
You just need to strive to choose topics that are suitable for their level and understanding. Talk to them mainly about things their minds can accept, commandments like "Love your neighbor as yourself," honoring parents, avoiding lashon hara, and the like. Study Pirkei Avot with them, and select to study with them chosen passages from the Gemara that will arouse them to ask analytical and topical questions - through which they will recognize the depth of the Torah - "Turn it, turn it, for everything is in it" (Avot 5:22). Thus they will recognize the wisdom of Israel and see the beauty and vast wisdom embedded in it, and from this, their hearts will connect to sacred matters.
3. You must be humble. People shy away from those who boast of their wisdom or preach their wisdom in a manner that projects pride and superiority over others. Every person should ask himself - how would he feel and think if he were born into someone else's life, with their abilities and shortcomings, and not know all that he knows today. As our sages said: "Do not judge your fellow until you come to his place" (Avot 2:4). I once heard a young man boasting over people who did not merit keeping Torah and mitzvot, and a righteous young rabbinical student told him: "There is no doubt that you know a lot more than they do, but can you attest to yourself that you fulfill everything you need to? And how do you know they wouldn't do even more than you if they knew everything you know?" - His honest words touched my heart as well. How can you judge someone who didn't merit to know and experience all that you know and have experienced?
Make a rule for yourself in bringing the estranged closer: when you teach others words of ethics and wisdom - direct your heart mainly to educate yourself. Make yourself a partner in the learning, praise them for their questions, and take an interest in them, even learn from them as the wise say: "I learned much Torah from my teachers, more from my friends, and from my students, the most of all!" (Makkot 10a). And always remember that words that come from the heart enter the heart.
4. Refrain from saying things that won't be heard. As it is stated in the Gemara and ruled in Halakha: "When are these things said, when he imagines he will listen to him. But if he knows he will not listen, it is forbidden to rebuke him. Rabbi Ila said in the name of Rabbi Elazar in the name of Rabbi Shimon: just as it is a mitzvah for a person to say something that will be heard, so too it is a mitzvah for a person not to say something that will not be heard. Rabbi Abba says that it is an obligation, as it is stated, do not reprove a scorner, lest he hate you; reprove a wise man, and he will love you" (Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 29:16).
We learn that the most successful way to bring people closer to Judaism today is not through pressure, but by showing concern and good wishes for the personal well-being and success of each Jew, with interest and gentleness, while praising their mere curiosity and good desire to understand. As the Chazon Ish wrote about our generation, even the disbelievers among them should be returned with bonds of love, as in our times, most Jews do not grow up with Judaism. We are in a weak generation, and many are hesitant to connect and listen for fear of encountering threatening or preaching things.
5. Regarding your question on how to strengthen them in faith. Well, you can engage them in discussion on this topic by occasionally expressing how amazed you are by creation, by various aspects of the human body and the world, from which you understand the greatness of Hashem's works and His desire to benefit us. You can also stir their interest from an intellectual perspective on the news, on the rising antisemitism in the world. Tell them how amazed you are by the uniqueness of the Jewish people, who have survived for thousands of years against logic, how events are moving towards the battle of Gog and Magog and redemption, and how the prophets foresaw all this in advance. From such statements, the discussion will naturally arise, and then you can present them with proofs of belief in Hashem and His Torah. The main thing is that the words are always said in a good spirit without causing anger. It will be good if you can persuade them to watch the lectures of Rabbi Zamir Cohen on topics like Torah and science, prophecies in Torah, and others.
Yasher koach, and may you have great success with Hashem's help!
* * *
Hello and blessings, Avishai. Kudos for your good desire to bring your brothers closer to our Judaism and improve their lives. I will offer you some guidelines that, with Hashem's help, may assist in your mission of bringing the estranged closer.1. It is important to know that the greatest influence comes primarily from a good personal example. You must show them that you are a better person thanks to Judaism, be a person with true fear of heaven - in prayer, in learning, and in good qualities between man and his fellow. A person whose words and heart are united, who shows genuine love for the Creator of the Universe and the people of Israel. This is how the Rambam instructed in describing the behavior of true Torah scholars (Hilchot De’ot 5:7):
"A Torah scholar should not shout and scream while speaking like animals and beasts. He shouldn't raise his voice excessively but speak calmly with all people. When he does speak calmly, he should be careful not to distance himself so much that he appears arrogant. He initiates greetings to all people so they will be pleased with him. He judges all people favorably. He always speaks in praise of others, not in their disfavor. He loves peace and pursues peace. If he sees his words are beneficial and heard, he says them; if not, he remains silent! ...He should not see his fellow in his downfall but overlook it. He should not lie nor add or detract except in matters of peace and similar issues. In summary: he only speaks words of wisdom or kindness and the like."
2. You regularly study with them, which is a tremendously strengthening act, as our sages said: "And they kept my Torah - because they engaged with it, its light brought them back to goodness" (Midrash Eicha Rabbah). When you teach them Torah, you are building their world, and even if the learning is but drops, many drops can break even a rock, for nothing strengthens like consistent connection to the Torah.
You just need to strive to choose topics that are suitable for their level and understanding. Talk to them mainly about things their minds can accept, commandments like "Love your neighbor as yourself," honoring parents, avoiding lashon hara, and the like. Study Pirkei Avot with them, and select to study with them chosen passages from the Gemara that will arouse them to ask analytical and topical questions - through which they will recognize the depth of the Torah - "Turn it, turn it, for everything is in it" (Avot 5:22). Thus they will recognize the wisdom of Israel and see the beauty and vast wisdom embedded in it, and from this, their hearts will connect to sacred matters.
3. You must be humble. People shy away from those who boast of their wisdom or preach their wisdom in a manner that projects pride and superiority over others. Every person should ask himself - how would he feel and think if he were born into someone else's life, with their abilities and shortcomings, and not know all that he knows today. As our sages said: "Do not judge your fellow until you come to his place" (Avot 2:4). I once heard a young man boasting over people who did not merit keeping Torah and mitzvot, and a righteous young rabbinical student told him: "There is no doubt that you know a lot more than they do, but can you attest to yourself that you fulfill everything you need to? And how do you know they wouldn't do even more than you if they knew everything you know?" - His honest words touched my heart as well. How can you judge someone who didn't merit to know and experience all that you know and have experienced?
Make a rule for yourself in bringing the estranged closer: when you teach others words of ethics and wisdom - direct your heart mainly to educate yourself. Make yourself a partner in the learning, praise them for their questions, and take an interest in them, even learn from them as the wise say: "I learned much Torah from my teachers, more from my friends, and from my students, the most of all!" (Makkot 10a). And always remember that words that come from the heart enter the heart.
4. Refrain from saying things that won't be heard. As it is stated in the Gemara and ruled in Halakha: "When are these things said, when he imagines he will listen to him. But if he knows he will not listen, it is forbidden to rebuke him. Rabbi Ila said in the name of Rabbi Elazar in the name of Rabbi Shimon: just as it is a mitzvah for a person to say something that will be heard, so too it is a mitzvah for a person not to say something that will not be heard. Rabbi Abba says that it is an obligation, as it is stated, do not reprove a scorner, lest he hate you; reprove a wise man, and he will love you" (Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 29:16).
We learn that the most successful way to bring people closer to Judaism today is not through pressure, but by showing concern and good wishes for the personal well-being and success of each Jew, with interest and gentleness, while praising their mere curiosity and good desire to understand. As the Chazon Ish wrote about our generation, even the disbelievers among them should be returned with bonds of love, as in our times, most Jews do not grow up with Judaism. We are in a weak generation, and many are hesitant to connect and listen for fear of encountering threatening or preaching things.
5. Regarding your question on how to strengthen them in faith. Well, you can engage them in discussion on this topic by occasionally expressing how amazed you are by creation, by various aspects of the human body and the world, from which you understand the greatness of Hashem's works and His desire to benefit us. You can also stir their interest from an intellectual perspective on the news, on the rising antisemitism in the world. Tell them how amazed you are by the uniqueness of the Jewish people, who have survived for thousands of years against logic, how events are moving towards the battle of Gog and Magog and redemption, and how the prophets foresaw all this in advance. From such statements, the discussion will naturally arise, and then you can present them with proofs of belief in Hashem and His Torah. The main thing is that the words are always said in a good spirit without causing anger. It will be good if you can persuade them to watch the lectures of Rabbi Zamir Cohen on topics like Torah and science, prophecies in Torah, and others.
Yasher koach, and may you have great success with Hashem's help!
