Is It Permissible to Pray for a Specific Match?

Yossi asks: "Hello, as I understand it, when a soul descends into the world, it splits into two, and reunites when the right match is found. Furthermore, the Talmud states that one should hurry and not delay the marriage, or else someone else might pray and 'win' that match first. So my question is, how does all this align with the free choice given to a person? Doesn’t the woman have a say in this? If I pray a lot for a girl I wish to marry, even if she isn’t my original soul mate, and because of these prayers I 'win' her, isn't that against her right to free choice? I hope I was clear."

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Hello and blessings, Yossi, and thank you for your question.

Certainly, both men and women have free choice. For her, it depends on the spiritual level of the woman and her own prayers. After all, she too is praying for her match and performing mitzvot to earn her the right to find the most suitable match.

However, our sages have advised not to pray for a specific woman, but always to ask Hashem for the best match for him. This way, a person does not harm himself, and he shows that he trusts and relies on Hashem. A person who prays for a woman who is not his—he may succeed only if she has neither merits nor prayers of her own. Yet, it is likely that both would be unsatisfied; he because he asked for a woman who is not his true match, and she because she didn't engage in prayers and mitzvot that would earn her rights, so her correction was to marry someone unsuitable for her. Therefore, it is important to avoid trying to control destiny but to trust in Hashem alone and pray for your benefit without making your own judgments about what is good for you and what is not.

Hashem wants the best for both men and women and wishes to connect the most suitable soul mates. For this reason, sometimes one person must strive more than the other or pray more, but ultimately the goal is to match the two soul parts so that both parties will be satisfied and it will be for their benefit.

In the Midrash, it is said that "Hashem sits and matches couples," and that this task is as difficult as splitting the Red Sea (Bereishit Rabbah, Parsha 61, 3-4). The reason is the calculations you described, as this involves a network where even the slightest change can lead to a reversal in countless other threads that need to be undone and reconnected. Such a thing, only the Creator of the world can do, and it is a miracle when a man and a woman find each other despite the external obstacles separating them.

In any case, I suggest you not delve into this subject of divine calculations. We are instructed to walk innocently with Hashem and not to investigate hidden matters. In the Torah, it is stated: "You shall be wholehearted with Hashem your God" (Deuteronomy 18:13), and Rashi explains: "Walk with Him in innocence, and expect from Him, and do not investigate the future, but accept everything that comes upon you with innocence, and then you will be with Him and His portion." It is recommended to act this way to avoid unnecessary confusion. Trust in Hashem that He does everything for your good and the good of your future partner. Hashem the Blessed is the Father of mercies and the creator of logic; everything you know—He certainly knows, and everything you think and understand—He already certainly understands, and everything you feel and pity—He feels a million times more because all your compassion comes from Him blessed be. Thus, you can rely on Him, the master of your work, to repay you for your efforts. Continue to pray for your best match, keep mitzvot, and strengthen yourself, and you can therefore trust Hashem with closed eyes. For He guides us in the darkness of this world.