Does Prayer Affect Who You Marry? Free Will, Soulmates, and Divine Matchmaking in Judaism

Yossi asks: "Hello, from what I understand, when the soul comes down to this world it is divided into two parts, and it reunites when one finds their destined spouse. In addition, it says in the Gemara that one should hurry and not delay marriage, otherwise someone else might pray and ‘merit’ that match before you. How does all of this fit with the concept of free will that a person is given? Doesn’t the woman also have a say in this? If I pray a lot about a specific girl I want to marry, and she is not my original soul-root match, but through my prayers I ‘win’ her, doesn’t that contradict her own free choice?"

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Hello Yossi, and thank you for your thoughtful question.

Of course, both man and woman have free will. From her side, much depends on the woman’s own spiritual level and her prayers, since she too prays for her future match and earns merits through her mitzvot that help her merit the partner best suited for her.

However, our sages have taught us not to pray for a specific woman, but always to ask God for the right match for oneself. By doing so, a person does not harm himself, and at the same time shows that he truly trusts in God. Someone who prays for a woman who is not meant for him might merit her only if she herself has no merits or prayers of her own. But in such a case, it is very likely that neither of them will be happy: he, because he asked for someone who is not his true match, and she, because she did not engage in prayer and mitzvot to earn a partner suited for her. It is therefore important not to try to control destiny, but rather to trust only in God and pray for your own good without making calculations about what you think is good or not.

God wants the good of both the man and the woman, and He desires to unite the two soul-halves that truly belong together. Sometimes this means that one person needs to exert more effort or pray more than the other, but the goal is to bring together the two halves of the soul in the way that benefits them both.

The Midrash teaches that “God sits and arranges matches,” and that this is as difficult as the splitting of the Red Sea (Bereishit Rabbah 68:3–4). The reason is exactly what you described: it is like a vast web where the smallest change in one place can cause a chain reaction affecting countless other threads that need to be untangled and re-tied. Only the Creator Himself can orchestrate such a process, and it is nothing short of a miracle when a man and woman finally find each other despite all the external obstacles between them.

That said, I would advise you not to dwell too much on these hidden calculations of Heaven. We are taught to walk with God in simplicity, and not to probe into what is concealed. The Torah says: “Be wholehearted with the Lord your God” (Deuteronomy 18:13). Rashi explains: “Walk with Him in wholeheartedness, look forward to His guidance, do not seek out the future, but accept with simplicity whatever comes upon you, and then you will be with Him and His portion.”

This is the approach I recommend for you, so as not to confuse yourself unnecessarily. Trust that God is acting for your good, and also for the good of your future spouse. God is the Father of compassion and the source of all reason. Whatever you know, He already knows, whatever you think and understand, He understands infinitely more, and whatever compassion you feel, He feels a million times more, since your very compassion comes from Him.

Continue to pray for your best possible match, keep strengthening yourself through mitzvot, and rely on God with complete trust. He is the One guiding us through the darkness of this world.