Being Worthy of Friendship: The Truth is, Love (Yes) Obligates

Between the giving of the Torah and the building of the Mishkan were the peak days for the children of Israel in all generations. As the prophet says, "I remember the kindness of your youth, the love of your betrothal, when you followed Me in the desert, in a land not sown," signifying that the giving of the Torah to the newly born nation was akin to a wedding canopy and nuptials. Even the love and cleaving to Hashem and His Torah were so rare and special that later the Congregation of Israel lamented, "Let Him kiss me with the kisses of His mouth" - and as Rashi explained, "This song is sung with longing and lamenting in exile and widowhood; who will give and let the King kiss me with the kisses of His mouth as before, for there are places where they kiss the back of the hand or the shoulder but I long and yearn to be treated as previously, like a groom to a bride, mouth to mouth."

Remarkable and awesome upon contemplation.

And what transpires at the end of the great wedding, the Midrash describes with an interesting parable:

"A parable of a king who had an only daughter, one of the kings came and took her, wanted to return to his homeland to take her as his wife. He said to him, 'My daughter whom I gave you is unique; I cannot part from her, to tell you do not take her I cannot, for she is your wife. Rather, do me this good that wherever you go, make a chamber for me to dwell among you, for I cannot leave my daughter.' Likewise, Hashem said to Israel, 'I gave you the Torah, I cannot part from it, to tell you do not take it I cannot, but wherever you go, make a house for Me to dwell in, as it is said, "And make Me a sanctuary..."

These are matters of significance, and we need to know what is hidden in the 'day after' the greatest wedding, and how the correct conduct is since then. And in general, why a separate adjacent chamber and not in the same room...?

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At the end of the last Torah portion, Parshat Mishpatim, we read about one of the most painful tragedies that befell the Jewish people. The sentence passed upon Nadav and Avihu. A judgment that was sealed but not yet implemented so as not to mar the great joy.

Nadav and Avihu are called in the verse "the nobles of the children of Israel," they were second only to Moshe and Aharon, and as explained in the Sages, they were also intended to succeed them as the great ones of Israel, heirs to the throne. They were called later "I will be sanctified through those near Me."

We, the humble servants, are prevented from understanding even the slightest grasp of these matters, but the plain meaning of the text concerning us should be understood in our language.

Rashi [Exodus 24:11] explains "And upon the nobles - they were Nadav and Avihu and the elders: He did not stretch His hand - implying they were deserving of having a hand stretched against them: And they beheld God - they gazed upon Him with arrogance, while eating and drinking."

And why did they eat and drink at all? Ramban there explains that they "made a feast and a holiday, for it is a commandment to rejoice in the acceptance of the Torah... and thus, on the wedding day of the Torah they did as well..."

It was the wedding of the Torah, and their joy was like the main celebrants at the feast of the Torah's joy, but despite this Rashi defines it as said: "They gazed with arrogance."

And here lies the great secret, as will be explained:

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There are two different understandings and divergent perspectives regarding building a home between a couple. It is not the place here to elaborate, but the 'enlightened' worldview is that couples should be in the utmost openness and connection in every form and manner without any restraint or limitation, and the matter is known. In contrast, among Jews, even though the Jewish home and the connection in it is an exalted and holy concept to the point that heavenly realms depend on it [see the cherubs in the Holy of Holies that were intertwined], simultaneously they prided themselves on modesty and calculated tact down to the smallest details. It suffices to mention the practical advice of Rav Chisda to his wise daughters on the eve of their weddings, to beware of unwise foods and actions as well as excessive liberality that could diminish their honor and charm in the eyes of their husbands. Rav Chisda [see Shabbat 140b] goes into minute details and instructs them with amazing detail around the tact and restrained conduct at the border between openness and modesty, between infinite connection and wise charm, all not in front of a stranger but in front of the husband, their own flesh and blood. And let's mention that Rav Chisda's sons-in-law, who married his daughters, were holy Sages like Rava and Rami bar Chama... This means that even in front of the most complete person, the spouse should act with wisdom and propriety and not say behold all boundaries are permitted and our connection will be perfect even without any boundary.

Rav Chisda warned his daughters even about vegetables that cause bad breath, not to eat them in the evening before meeting the husband returning home. Consider this! A wise man who knows his place as a corporeal being knows how to behave respectfully even in the most desired place.

Even a beloved and desired person is no reason to act arrogantly with one's spouse. True, everything is permitted and there is no prohibition, but one must maintain dignity. For the lack of the required dignity is an inkling of a trait that indicates a certain arrogance, suggesting the feeling as if he is not a human being with a body full of deficiencies.

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From this subtle argument about those high saints like Nadav and Avihu, we learn about their greatness and holiness, for they were in the highest and most misleading state where a beloved and desired person forgets themselves when visiting a friend and "goes up to the sofa in the living room with mud-covered shoes..." Oops...!

For even when being at the peak, one must maintain proper love and not be 'arrogant at heart'.

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It is difficult to move from those lofty saints to our humble state, but there is a message here for those approaching Him. True, we are the dearest and most beloved children of our Father in heaven, we labor in the Torah and do His will, thank Hashem, but please even in the House of God, let us walk with sensitivity, respect each other, notice the 'transparent ones' and be worthy of His love, blessed be He.

"And I will dwell among them," the Torah promises - "within each and every one," the Divine Presence is between us and it is also within each of us; this means a lot of love, but it also obligates us to much propriety.