The Surprising Truth About Happiness: Why Getting What You Want Won’t Make You Happier

Everyone believes that when they finally get that one thing, they’ll be happy. At first glance, it seems reasonable, but let’s take a closer look.

A person might say, “I’m about 70% happy with my life right now. If I had more money, I’d be 100% happy”. They believe that the 30% gap is entirely because of their financial situation, and once that’s fixed, they’ll be completely happy. Someone might be 50% satisfied with life, but believes that if they lost 17 extra kilos, their happiness would rise to 100%. In their mind, those extra kilos are the only thing keeping them from being truly happy. Is that really how things work?

A fascinating study asked thousands of people how satisfied they were with life. As expected, the answers varied widely. Some were very happy, some less so, and those who weren’t completely happy almost always blamed it on something missing in their life such as a new SUV, a dream home, paying off the mortgage, greater social recognition, a job promotion, and so on.

Two decades later, the researchers checked back in with the same participants. In 20 years, life had taken them in many directions — some had become wealthy, some had lost everything, some had married, some became famous, some got promoted, and others faced illness or serious trouble.

The people who originally reported being 60% happy stayed at that same level even after achieving their dream promotion or other long-awaited goals. Some experienced a boost in happiness, but the increase was at most 10%. The reverse was also true: those who had rated themselves 80–90% happy didn’t see their happiness levels plummet even after serious hardships. Again, the greatest change was about 10%.

The researchers concluded that happiness is not determined by what you have or don’t have. The real determining factor is how you see your life and what you already have. Someone who isn’t happy now will still feel the same after paying off the mortgage. A person who doesn’t value themselves will not suddenly feel fulfilled just because they’ve lost weight. Happiness is not about the external achievement, but about your perspective and self-worth.

This is not a new idea, but a confirmation of what Jewish wisdom has taught for centuries. The sages in Pirkei Avot taught that the truly wealthy person is “one who is happy with their lot.” Rabbi Meir in the Talmud defined it as “one who finds satisfaction in what they have”. Your relationship to what you have is what defines your happiness.

When I lecture or run workshops, I often explain the fifth of the Sheva Brachot (Seven Blessings) said at a wedding: “Grant abundant joy to these loving friends, as You gave joy to Your creation in the Garden of Eden of old.” Why were Adam and Eve so happy? Because there was no one to compare themselves to. He was the only man in the world and she was the only woman. Without the constant comparison to others, they were completely content. The more a person focuses on what they do have, the more they enjoy peace of mind and ultimately, true happiness.

Rabbi Avraham Ben Assouline is a rabbi and lecturer.