Hashem, Why Don't You Help Me?

Hello, dear Rabbi, I really want to advance and get closer to Hashem, but I have a lot of trials, struggles, and setbacks. I don’t accept them, God forbid, but I fight, yet the internal battles are so hard and discouraging! At first, I was completely despondent; each time I failed, I disconnected from Hashem, spiraling downwards, consumed by pain, despair, and loneliness.

A few months ago, I heard a very important lecture that made me realize that the evil inclination doesn’t want the sin itself but the despair that follows. If I’ve fallen, I must rise, repent, and move forward. “A righteous man falls seven times and rises.” I understand that Hashem gave me the strength and challenges; I must know my place, recognize I’m not perfect, and do everything to avoid falling, but if I do fall, I need to overcome it and move on.

I understand what I need to do, but I still can’t find joy! I’m no longer angry and bitter towards myself, but instead, I feel as though I’m angry at Hashem: why is this my level? Why are these my challenges? Why don’t you help me? I look at my friends and see—one excels effortlessly in Torah study, another grew up in a wonderful family, another can easily concentrate in lessons, others don’t struggle with the desires I'm familiar with, and I feel forgotten, a second-class! Why am I like this and not like that? Why am I stuck with this kind of work responsibility?

I hope it’s not heresy to ask this question, but this is how I feel.

Thank you, Ido.

Hello Ido, Your question is excellent. It’s full of honesty, courage, and straightforwardness. It’s great to ask questions, and blessed is Hashem for giving us true Torah and true sages who provide us with answers... Indeed, clarifying this question is important for everyone. This clarification can entirely change our outlook on life in this world.

First, it’s important to internalize and remind ourselves of the simple truth that “the grass is always greener on the other side”, but it’s not always true. Everyone sees their own flaws and believes they are uniquely problematic, convinced others surely don’t face similar issues. However, often everyone faces struggles you wouldn’t imagine. Whether it’s issues with desire and learning Torah, consistency, bad traits, negative thoughts, or other mental issues. You don’t even know about everyone’s family and social struggles. Outwardly, everything with the other person always seems perfect, but that’s only the outward appearance. You might be jealous of someone for one thing, while he might be jealous of you unknowingly for something else, or even the same thing...

Second, even if indeed there are things that particularly challenge you, know that every coin has two sides. Hashem distributed talents and roles, and thus no one person is perfect in all fields. Generally, every disadvantage is also an advantage and vice versa. For instance, a very orderly person might be more stressed by disorder, or less flexible. A person who speaks fluently and presents his views passionately, might more easily justify himself even when he’s wrong and be less willing to admit mistakes. A person at the center of attention, might more easily fall into pride. A person with a strong halachic mind, might often understand less about mental or Aggadata matters, and so on. You must remember, every one of your shortcomings could be an advantage on the other side. Everyone must develop their talents and qualities while working to rectify the shortcomings and traits they received, without peeking and looking at others.

Third, from a truthful perspective, it doesn’t matter what you or someone else received. Hashem assigns tasks, and He wants the work of everyone, each according to their own abilities. However, here your question arises and clarifies the issue. You argue: “Why is this my level? Why am I like this and not like that? Why am I stuck with this work?” One can, of course, give a simple answer: stop looking at others, do your own work, know it's what Hashem expects of you, and according to the effort comes the reward. But the soul doesn’t rest with such a simple answer.

Here we need to refer to the words of Kabbalah, which expose deeper depths that, with the help of Hashem, will ease the mind.

The great Kabbalist of previous generations (the grandfather of Rabbi Elyashiv z"l), speaks directly and wonderfully to your question. After a whole discussion explaining that all matters of the world are corrections to later merit all the good, he connects it to each one’s personal work.

I’ll try to explain his holy words in my own words:

All existence in the world consists of “going up and down”, such that a higher thing needs to descend to raise the lower one too, and for that purpose, it must wallow in dirt and mud: the Shechinah (divine presence) goes into exile with the lowly to elevate them too. Our soul goes into exile from its place beneath the divine throne to enter the body in order to uplift the body too. We need to eat and engage with all worldly matters to elevate them too. Righteous people engage a lot with simple common folk and all their problems, for the greatness of the world’s existence is to elevate even the most distant things to a reality of closeness to Hashem and holiness. It’s not a feat to maintain holiness in heavenly realms close to godliness, where there is no choice. Hashem was perfect and holy before creating the world, He doesn’t need more entirely perfect beings. Hashem desired a dwelling below. It’s the victory of divinity also over those so low that they even deny divinity, that they too can become sanctified.

All the descents and smallnesses that those present experience aim to elevate even the lower ones. If a person was always in “great illumination”, in godliness, in “expanded awareness”, then there would be no point in the creation of man and the world. It’s the descent, and their subsequent rise, to elevate also the lower aspects. “To extract precious from the vile”, from within all shells and impurity, it is much greater than one who was initially in perfection, and it has been written “in the place where those who have repented stand, even complete righteous ones cannot stand.” Of course, in no way are we allowed to fall deliberately, and we must make all efforts not to fall, but if we have fallen it’s important to understand it as part of the divine plan.

From this understanding, that Hashem intentionally creates falls and smallness, we must be careful not to question his measures. If a person sees his part as small and meager and wishes to be much greater, or is in a huge crisis because he wants to be great in Torah and doesn’t succeed, or even when someone thinks they have an overwhelming evil inclination, according to their opinion, they must not question the will of Hashem. Hashem knows what He is doing.

“For no one knows for what occupation they were sent into this world. This one is sent to sweep the streets to purify them and clean them of all filth and impurity, and is always besieged and distressed, while another is sent to adorn royal halls and crown the king’s head, and delights in royal treasures” (the Leshem). In the king's palace, all tasks are necessary – those who serve the king his food, the king's advisors, his bodyguards, and those who make all plumbing fixes and also fix the sewage, otherwise, the palace cannot function. If one looks from his own perspective, he surely wants to sit before the king and engage in delightful and comfortable work. But if he looks from the perspective of the king's will and sovereignty – then who said the one sitting before the king is more important than the sewage cleaner? On the contrary: if there was no sewage cleaner, nothing in the palace could be done. The king might love him even more because he strives and is demeaned for the sake of the king. He does the king's mission even if it is not so heartening and he doesn’t enjoy royal treasures. So, what then creates the complaint in the heart? That you are thinking about yourself and not the king's will. Because of your egoism, you have a problem. You need to step out of your egoism and look in a broader perspective.

And still, you surely cry out: it’s still not fair! Why should I get such a hard job, with such hard falls, and be constantly so far from the king?

But it’s not so. Leshem continues to explain: indeed, the sewage sweeper will receive a greater reward because in the eyes of Hashem it’s not like in our world, where parliament members and the like earn the most money and manual laborers earn the least. With Him, it's according to effort! That’s what the sages taught us in Ethics of the Fathers: “According to the effort is the reward.” On the other hand, one might say: but after all, you have many more sins, I’m much dirtier. To that, Leshem says: Hashem doesn’t bring a claim (complaint) against his creations. With Hashem, rights and sins are weighed according to initial conditions, as the Rambam says, nothing is weighed except in the mind of the God of insights. Therefore, you can’t know how Hashem measures each person. Everything is measured according to effort and investment.

You must remember that also the Shechinah descends below to mend, and you are part of that. There’s a strong saying in the Talmud: “It is enough for the servant to be like his master.” Meaning: it’s enough and good that you are like your master. Both are, metaphorically, in the same boat. Also, all periods of exile and hiding of the face in the world are part of the divine process, according to the teachings of Kabbalah, to descend to all the impurity of the nations’ lands, to a reality where you are not in your natural place, to raise from there all the sparks. The entire issue with the world is an exile that will bring redemption. Without pain, there’s no joy, without exile, there’s no redemption, without lack there’s no fulfillment.

Nevertheless, I’ll reiterate – these things should not weaken even a bit your effort to avoid sinning. These words are applicable only after the fact when you’ve fallen. If you blame yourself or God forbid Hashem, you’ll despair and be frustrated, and if you understand it’s part of the plan, you can accept it peacefully and not fall into sadness. Additionally, don’t rage and be angry at divine conduct. You need to know this is your level and how it’s supposed to be.

So, what, accept it? Leshem continues and emphasizes: no! Request mercy! Tell Hashem: what you’ve given me, I accept with love, but you gave me free will and prayer, and I ask for help in changing. Although “your rod and your staff, they comfort me” (as David said in Psalms Chapter 23), I understand everything is for the good, but on the other hand, I ask “surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of Hashem forever” (as David asked at the end of the psalm).

Why did Hashem decide that precisely he should be the sewage sweeper and the other will serve before the king? That is one of the hidden matters from us, issues of soul roots and corrections that we have no business with.

“And therefore, one should not fall because of descents, God forbid, but always strengthen himself and fulfill ‘be silent for Hashem and hope for him.’ For only to Him alone are the reasons for assigning each person their respective task to fix their root in a high place. And all shall shine in the light of the face of the king of life” (Leshem). Eventually, all will shine and be corrected. Everyone has a root they must fix and must rely on Hashem who knows what’s good for him. It’s a very great humility that one must constantly educate themselves towards. A very delicate balance between all our effort and diligence on our part, and the understanding that we do not dictate, but receive with love and humility Hashem’s will.

This understanding can bring a person to great joy in any state. Not joy in the actual lowliness, but joy that I accept with love Hashem’s will and stand the test. An inner acceptance that Hashem knows better than I what is good for me.

Hashem often brings a person difficulty and descents exactly for this fundamental clarification: will they work on their traits, purify themselves from arrogance and selfishness and nullify their will before Hashem, or prefer to remain in inner frustration and anger towards themselves and the creator because they are not willing to give up their desire to be what they perceive as the best.

In conclusion, my dear, essentially Hashem is opening for you a gateway to rise to an enormous level in serving Hashem precisely through this lowliness you feel. Because when everything is good and smooth, a person isn't even on this high level, where they totally surrender to Hashem’s will. And the righteous taught us that truly, allowing one’s will to be nullified before Hashem, submission, humility, and happiness with one’s lot, is the highest level a person can achieve!

Be strong, be strong, and be strengthened. Much success to you!