Why Do I Struggle More Than Others? A Jewish Perspective on Life’s Challenges

Hello Rabbi,
I very much want to grow and draw closer to Hashem, but I face many trials, struggles, and failures. I fight, but the inner battles are so hard and discouraging! At first, I would sink into total despair; after every failure I would disconnect from the Creator and fall even further, consumed by pain, despair, and loneliness.

A few months ago, I heard a very important class that changed my outlook. I realized that the evil inclination doesn’t really want the sin, but the despair that follows it. If I fall, I must get up, do teshuvah, and move forward. “The righteous one falls seven times and rises again.” I understand that Hashem gave me these strengths and challenges, that I must know my place, recognize I am not perfect, and do everything I can not to fall, but if I do, I must rise above it and continue.

I understand what I need to do, but I still can’t find joy! I no longer feel anger or bitterness toward myself, but instead, it’s as if I’m angry at Hashem. Why is this my level? Why are these my struggles? Why don’t You help me more? I look at my friends: one easily succeeds in Torah study, another grew up in a wonderful family, another can concentrate in class, another doesn’t face the temptations I do, but me? It’s as if I’ve been forgotten! Why am I the one stuck with this?

I hope this isn’t heretical to ask, but that’s how I feel.

Thank you,
Ido

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Dear Ido,

Your question is excellent and full of honesty, courage, and sincerity. It’s very good that you are asking, and thank God we have a Torah of truth and righteous teachers who can guide us. Truly, this question is fundamental to every person’s life, and the clarification of it can change one’s entire perspective on living in this world.

Firstly, remember the simple truth: “the grass always looks greener on the other side.” Everyone sees their own flaws and assumes they are uniquely broken, while others surely don’t struggle like they do. However, everyone is fighting battles you cannot imagine — whether with desire, focus in Torah learning, persistence, bad character traits, troubling thoughts, or emotional struggles. You don’t know what family or social challenges others have either. Outwardly, everything may look perfect, but that’s only the surface. You may envy someone for one thing, while he envies you for something else — perhaps even the very thing you resent in yourself.

Secondly, even if indeed you have certain struggles that are especially hard, remember that every coin has two sides. God divided talents and missions, and no one is perfect in every area. Usually, every weakness is paired with a strength, and every strength carries a weakness. For example, someone highly organized may also be overly anxious. Someone eloquent and passionate may also justify himself too easily and avoid admitting mistakes. Someone at the center of attention may more easily fall into pride. A sharp halachic mind may be weaker in matters of the heart, and so on. You must remember that each weakness often conceals a strength. Each of us must develop our strengths and work on refining the weaknesses given to us, without constantly comparing ourselves to others.

Thirdly, it doesn’t really matter what gifts or struggles you have versus what someone else has. God assigns missions, and He wants the service of everyone, according to their abilities. Here lies the essence of your question: “Why is this my level? Why am I stuck with this work?” The simple answer could be to stop looking at others, focus on your own work, and know this is what God expects of you — and the greater the struggle, the greater the reward.

Because the soul often finds such answers insufficient, we therefore turn to the teachings of Kabbalah, which reveal deeper layers. 

The great kabbalist Rabbi Shlomo Elyashiv (the Leshem), explains that all of reality is structured in such a way that higher things must descend in order to raise up the lower. The Shechinah descends into exile with us to lift us up. Our souls descend from beneath the Throne of Glory into physical bodies to elevate the body. We must eat, work, and engage with the world to uplift even the material. Great tzaddikim immerse themselves in the struggles of the common people to raise them. The greatness of creation is not in holiness that exists only in the heavens where there is no choice, but it is that holiness can also conquer even the lowest, most broken places. God desired a dwelling place specifically in the lowest realms.

Thus, falls and smallness are not meaningless, but they are part of the Divine plan to elevate what lies below. “To extract the precious from the vile” is greater than being perfect from the start. That is why the sages taught: “In the place where repentant sinners stand, even the perfectly righteous cannot stand.” Of course, one must never deliberately sin, but if a person falls, he must understand that even this can serve a higher purpose in God’s plan.

This perspective should prevent us from questioning God’s ways. If you feel your portion is small or your struggles unfair, you must remember that it’s not about what you want, but about the King’s desire. Every palace needs both royal advisors and sewage cleaners; without the latter, the palace cannot function. Perhaps God loves the “sewage worker” even more, because he struggles and sacrifices more for the King. The real problem arises when we think of ourselves rather than of God’s will.

Still, you may cry out: but it’s unfair! Why should I have the harder job, the tougher falls, the constant distance? Here the Leshem explains that precisely those who endure greater struggles may receive greater reward. With God, unlike in this world, the reward is given not by status but by effort: “According to the pain is the gain.” God measures each person not against others, but according to the starting point and effort. We cannot know how God judges, but He does so with perfect fairness.

You must also remember that even the Shechinah goes into exile and you are a part of that mission. Each soul has its root to repair, and God knows exactly what each needs. Our job is to accept His will with humility, even while striving with all our strength.

The Leshem warns that this is not to say one should resign himself. On the contrary, pray! Cry out to Hashem to help you, to lift you higher. Accept your portion with love, but beg Him to help you change. Balance acceptance with yearning.

Your struggles are not signs of being “second-class” but your unique gateway to higher service. When you accept God’s will with humility and continue to fight, you are in fact reaching the loftiest level of all, of total surrender to God’s will, with joy in your portion.

Be strong. Success to you!