Family Inheritance Disputes and the Power of Letting Go: A Jewish Perspective on Peace and Ego

Rabbi, my grandfather passed away suddenly a month ago, five years after my grandmother. Sadly, arguments and painful tensions about the inheritance began already during the shiva.

To keep it brief: in a will written 20 years ago, my grandfather left his house equally to all the children, to sell and split the money. However, my mother insists that in recent years — since she was very close to him, he told her several times that he had written a new will leaving the entire house to her and my father, while the rest of the siblings would divide the land.

This “new will” has not been found, but the argument has become ugly and hurtful, reopening old wounds. Everyone claims it’s not about the money but about “doing what Dad really wanted.”

Since I’ve become more observant, my parents — who are traditional, respect my opinion. I tried to make peace, to remind them that it’s better to give in for the sake of harmony, even when you’re sure you’re right. But my father responded: “We’re not the type to stay silent when people trample on us. We’re not doormats.”

I know he’s right that Judaism isn’t like Christianity, which says to “turn the other cheek.” But Judaism also speaks often about giving in and controlling anger for the sake of peace. I truly don’t know what to answer or how to stop the constant fighting that’s growing worse every day.

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First, it’s important to recognize that this situation is more emotional than financial. Each side claims to care about honoring your grandfather’s true wishes.

If your mother’s version is true, she received something far greater than money — her father’s trust. The others, on the other hand, feel deeply hurt, as if rejected. If your mother truly was closer to him, that closeness also carries a moral responsibility to protect the family’s dignity and unity.

Even if she is completely right, it’s clear your grandfather trusted her to act with maturity and compassion. True love and loyalty to him mean preserving the family bond, not winning a legal or moral argument.

Beyond the Letter of the Law

The Talmud (Bava Metzia 83a) tells of Rabba bar bar Ḥana, who hired workers to carry barrels. One broke, and he withheld their coats as collateral for the loss. The workers complained to Rav, his teacher, who ruled that Rabba must return the coats — even though by law he was right, because the verse says: “That you may walk in the way of good men” (Mishlei 2:20).

Then the workers demanded payment, claiming poverty. Rav told Rabba to pay them anyway, quoting the continuation of the verse: “And keep the paths of the righteous.”

The commentators explain that Rav judged him according to his spiritual level. For an ordinary person, justice might require one thing; for someone striving for holiness, beyond the letter of the law is the true path.

Likewise here: true greatness lies not in winning but in choosing peace even when you are sure you’re right.

Peace vs. Pride in Jewish Thought

Judaism indeed teaches not to be passive in the face of evil or humiliation, but it also warns against confusing self-respect with ego. When personal honor is at stake, most people lose perspective. The Torah therefore instructs individuals to lean toward patience and forgiveness, knowing that no one is free from personal bias.

• When to Confront: If you are repeatedly wronged or mistreated in a way that threatens your well-being, it’s appropriate to set limits.

• When to Yield: When standing your ground will destroy relationships, while letting go will restore peace, Torah ethics clearly favor yielding.

Our Sages said, “Jerusalem was destroyed because they insisted on strict justice.” (Talmud, Bava Metzia 30b) Sometimes peace is the higher justice.

Not “Turning the Other Cheek”

Christianity teaches self-erasure before others; Judaism teaches self-nullification before God. A Jew who forgives is not weak — he’s strong enough to trust God to fight his battles: “Be silent before the Lord and wait for Him” (Tehillim 37:7).

The Talmud tells of Rabbi Elazar advising Mar Ukva, who suffered humiliation: “Be silent before God — He will strike your enemies down.” As soon as Mar Ukva accepted this advice, divine justice followed immediately.

Seeing God in the Test

A person of faith knows that nothing happens “by chance.” Every conflict is a divine test, an opportunity to grow in humility, faith, and emotional mastery. Even if another person freely chooses to hurt you, Heaven decreed that you would face this challenge.

David Hamelech exemplified this outlook. When Shimei ben Gera cursed and threw stones at him during his flight from Avshalom, David’s guards wanted to kill the offender. But David said: “Let him curse, for the Lord told him to curse David” (Shmuel II, 16:10).

He didn’t mean that Shimei was literally commanded by God, but that God allowed it as a test. Reacting with revenge would mean failing that test.

Modern Society vs. Torah Wisdom

Modern Western culture glorifies assertiveness and self-expression—“say what you feel,” “don’t let anyone walk over you.” The result is often anger, division, broken families, and emotional chaos.

The Torah offers the opposite path of humility, perspective, and faith. The outcome, proven over generations, is inner peace and lasting relationships.

Your father said: “We’re not the kind who let people walk over us” but according to Torah wisdom, this isn’t about personality — it’s about spiritual work.

When one person chooses restraint, the fire of conflict dies down. The wise Shlomo Hamelech wrote: “Starting a quarrel is like opening a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out” (Mishlei 17:14).

It takes only one calm person to stop a family war. Encourage your parents to see this as a divine mission, not a personal defeat. For as our Sages taught: “The Holy One, blessed be He, found no vessel that holds blessing for Israel except peace.” (Mishnah, Uktzin 3:12)