For the Sake of Peace: What to Do with Grandfather's Inheritance?

Hello Rabbi,

My grandfather passed away suddenly a month ago, 5 years after my grandmother's death.

To my great sorrow, during the shiva, serious friction and tensions began regarding the inheritance of the apartment and land. I won't burden you with all the details, but the main dispute is that in the will my grandfather wrote 20 years ago, he leaves the house equally to all his children, to sell and divide the money. However, my mother claims that in recent years, she was much closer to my grandfather than the rest of the family, and he told her verbally several times that he had written a new will in which he grants her and my father the entire house, while the other siblings would divide the land.

The will wasn't found, but the argument rages on in a very ugly and insulting manner, opening many old wounds. Everyone claims it's not even about the money, and they would gladly give up the money, but what matters most is what father wanted...

Thank God, since I became religious, my parents, who are traditional-plus, value my opinion. I tried to make peace and "talk them down from the tree." I spoke about how it's right to compromise for the sake of peace, even if they're certain they're right and the other side is wrong, and that this is also the Torah's guidance. But my father immediately responded spontaneously: "We aren't the type who stay silent and give in when people walk all over us; we aren't doormats." It immediately occurred to me that this statement is fundamentally correct, because it's known that Judaism isn't like Christianity, which says to "turn the other cheek" when someone wrongs you. Nevertheless, there are many Jewish teachings about compromise and restraint for the sake of peace. So I really don't know exactly how to respond to my father's claim, and how to help stop this journey of slander and quarrels, which only gains momentum day by day.

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Shalom,

First and foremost, I think we should approach this story primarily from the emotional-family perspective, not from the financial inheritance angle, since each side claims that the truth and their father's wishes are what really matter.

According to your mother's version, she primarily received knowledge that her father trusted her! That's worth more than anything else. In contrast, the rest of the family received, according to her version, an unbelievable slap in the face, which is harder than anything. I don't know who's right, but especially if she is right, she should do everything possible to ensure that the other siblings don't live with such a terrible feeling of rejection. Therefore, if the truth is as she understands it, her father also trusted her to act with the necessary maturity and sensitivity, and to compromise. This argument isn't just saying: compromise for the sake of peace (although this is also true, as we'll discuss), but rather: compromise to avoid hurting others. Any righteous person in a similar situation would clearly give in, even if they were certain they were right. It's clear that the parents, who are now in the world of truth, would want them to compromise.

In the Talmud, Tractate Bava Metzia 83a, the following story appears:

"Rabbah bar bar Hana hired laborers to transport barrels from place to place. One of the barrels broke, and they were liable to pay him because they were paid carriers. Since they couldn't pay, Rabbah bar bar Hana took their cloaks as collateral. The laborers saw this, went and complained to Rav, Rabbah's teacher. After they told him what happened, Rav said to Rabbah: 'Return their collateral.' Rabbah asked his teacher: 'Is this the law?!' Rav replied: 'Yes, as it is written (in Proverbs 2): "So that you may walk in the way of good men."' But the laborers remained standing and complained: 'We are poor and labored all day, and have not a penny to bring home. We deserve our wages.' Rav said to Rabbah: 'Pay them their wages.' Rabbah asked again: 'Is this the law?! Not only did they break the barrel and not pay, but I should also pay them?!' Rabbah replied: 'Yes, as it continues in the verse: "and keep the paths of the righteous."'

All the commentators explain that according to simple law, Rabbah bar bar Hana was clearly right, but Rav told him that this is the law for him, because he knew him and his level, and according to his level, even going beyond the letter of the law is the law for him.

I don't know your parents well enough to determine if there is an actual demand on them that this is the simple law for them, but I do know that certainly, beyond the letter of the law, there is a need for the guidance of the wisest of all men in Proverbs: "So that you may walk in the way of good men and keep the paths of the righteous." The Talmud already states in Tractate Shabbat: "Jerusalem was destroyed only because they based their judgments strictly upon Torah law." One should not only follow the law when reality cries out for going beyond the letter of the law.

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And now to the point about peace:

I would like to explore this issue academically, without connection to the case at hand, because an important question arises from your query. You correctly wrote that Judaism doesn't advocate peace at any price, even at the cost of being trampled upon. Judaism is not like Christianity, which says to turn the other cheek, but rather commands us to rebuke (in a correct and acceptable manner) those who have hurt us, not to be like a doormat. But on the other hand, we find guidance for great compromise in many places in our sources. How do these teachings reconcile with each other?

a. Indeed, when it comes to the Jewish people as a whole or the honor of Hashem and the Torah, there is a need to fight and not compromise. But the problem here is that the individual thinks that his own honored self comes before everything, and if someone hurts his dignity, this is the clearest distortion from his perspective. People measure the world according to themselves, and they determine how the world should look when their personal honor is hurt. There's a danger of losing proportion because of personal biases that exist in everyone. Therefore, the guidance for every individual is to compromise as much as possible, because no one can ever trust themselves to be completely free of bias, even great righteous people.

b. The Torah indeed guides us not to remain silent and keep resentment in our hearts, but there is a positive commandment to tell your fellow what is in your heart, as Maimonides phrased it (Laws of Character, Chapter 6): "When one person sins against another, the injured party should not hate the offender and remain silent, as it is said of the wicked: 'And Absalom spoke to Amnon neither good nor bad, for Absalom hated Amnon.' Rather, he is commanded to inform him and say to him: 'Why did you do this to me? Why did you sin against me in this matter?' as it is said: 'You shall surely rebuke your fellow.'" But one should rebuke in a soft and gentle manner that will be accepted. Only if there is no possibility to rebuke, because your words won't be heard, then one must do difficult inner work to erase the resentment from the heart.

c. A person of average level is required to compromise especially in cases of one-time compromises and not in a fixed pattern. Clearly, when it's a fixed pattern that could disrupt one's life – one must act against it. But in a situation where insistence or reaction on their part would lead to destructive consequences, while compromise would stop the quarrel and restore peace and brotherhood – it's clear that one should compromise. The difference between these things is not just a sophisticated intellectual distinction, but a true necessity of life.

d. Even a person who is at a very high level of piety, who always forgives and pardons, this is not like Christianity at all. For Christians, a person nullifies himself before every person. He erases his selfhood before the entire world, and reality proves that this is not correct, for otherwise, wicked people would do whatever they want without restraint. In contrast, the Jewish person is not nullified before other people (especially if they are wicked), but is nullified before Hashem. The person doesn't become a complete zero, but rather rises to a much higher level than before: a servant of the Holy One, blessed be He. Such a person is also ultimately guaranteed that Hashem will help him because he restrained himself: "Be silent before Hashem and wait for Him" (Psalms 39:2) – Rabbi Elazar explains to Mar Ukba, who was troubled by tormentors: "Be silent before Hashem and He will make them fall down before you, heap upon heap." Indeed, the Talmud relates that as soon as Mar Ukba accepted this upon himself – the authorities seized the tormentor and imprisoned him.

e. A person must always remember that in everything that happens to them, they stand before Hashem and not before a disconnected situation they randomly encountered. One must understand that Hashem is the one who caused reality to happen this way, in order to test me and with the purpose that I work on my character traits and accept everything with faith. Of course, this requires a great deal of practice. For everything that doesn't please us, we need to be trained to know that this is a test from Hashem.

The moment a person sees things this way - the whole behavior is completely different. The more a person understands that everything is training, the less they will get caught up in details and the more they will stand before the Master of the Universe, and then they can more easily overcome anger and bad thoughts. Even in a case where a person (who has free will) annoyed you - this too is a test from Hashem, who arranged it to come specifically to you. If you didn't deserve to be hurt - no one in the world could hurt you.

A clear example of this can be seen with King David. When he fled Jerusalem from his son Absalom, Shimei ben Gera came out, cursed him, and threw stones at him (II Samuel 16:5-6). Abishai son of Zeruiah asked David for permission to behead him for rebellion against the king (verse 9), but David's response was: "Let him curse, for Hashem has told him to curse David. Who can say, 'Why have you done so?'" (verse 10). He didn't mean that Shimei actually received a divine command to do as he did, and moreover – in due time he would be punished for it as a rebel against the kingdom. Nevertheless, David understood that for him at that moment – "Hashem told him to curse"! At the time, David didn't see Shimei as the sinner and rebel against the kingdom, but as Hashem's messenger to test him if he would believe that he was an agent of Heaven! And if he agreed to Abishai's advice and killed Shimei on the spot – it would be a sign that he didn't understand at all the divine message in this event.

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I am aware that this principle of restraint and compromise stands in stark contrast to the position of Western culture today, according to which it is very important for a person to adopt assertive response methods, to feel free to express their emotional reactions and thoughts to others when they want to. They say what's on their mind with a considerable degree of confidence, without fearing too much the confrontation that might develop. One who hears their disgrace and doesn't respond – would be far from receiving a positive score from contemporary Western culture. On the contrary: they would likely be offered psychological treatment to improve their assertiveness. The behavioral approach in psychology has even developed special programs for "assertiveness training." They train an insecure child to be insolent and hurt others(!). As mentioned, this approach is in complete opposition to Judaism's position, and it also ignores the reality of a Creator and Director standing behind everything that happens to us. This approach also proves in reality how right the Torah was. The quarrels, anger, violence, divorces, murders, insolence, and brazenness of our generation – these are the test of the results. Indeed, it's amazing how the Torah directs and helps navigate correctly in every path of life, with the precise and balanced vision for a good and happy life.

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Let's return to our case. Your father said: "We aren't the type who compromise when people walk all over us." But according to what we've written here, it's not related to character and habits – whether we are "of those" or "not of those." It relates to character development and the life mission of every person here in this world - to remember that they stand before Hashem, for their benefit and advantage, so that they may merit a good life. It's not worth the energy, the sorrow, the pain, the money, the travel, the broken heart, the quarrels and disconnection that will never be mended.

The wisest of all men said in Proverbs (chapter 17): "The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks forth." Rashi explained: "The beginning of strife is like letting out water - one who starts a quarrel is like opening a hole in the barriers of waterways, and the water flows out, and the hole widens until it is damaged beyond repair. So too, strife always grows and increases. And before it breaks forth - before your disgrace is revealed, abandon the quarrel." He also says there (chapter 15): "A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention."

Whether there will be a quarrel or not depends, ultimately, on people's character traits. Even when there are hot-tempered people, one patient person is enough to quiet the strife.

If your words can influence and be accepted, it is a mitzvah to try to prevent the blazing fireball that is gaining momentum, and to explain to your parents that Hashem has given them a very important role, which is indeed a great test, precisely because they are sure of their righteousness, but the reward is guaranteed many times over, for "The Holy One, blessed be He, found no vessel that holds blessing for Israel except peace" (Mishnah Uktzin, 3:12).