Bat-Galim Sha'ar: "We Don't Have Flashbacks Because of the Hostages and the War, but There Is a Lot of Pain"

At the beginning of the war, when it was announced that there were "dozens of hostages in Gaza" (back then, we didn't yet know the true number), we all felt a knot in our stomachs. How could we even imagine such a horrific scenario where so many people are in the hands of a murderous enemy? How can we describe what their parents and families are going through? And what if, Heaven forbid, they don't get to return? But there was someone who understood the implications more deeply from the very first moment. It's Bat-Galim Sha'ar, the mother of Gil-Ad Sha'ar, who was kidnapped about a decade ago with two of his friends – Naftali Frenkel and Eyal Yifrach, and after about three weeks their bodies were found.

"The truth is that after the surprise attack, I was mostly in shock, like all of Israel," Bat-Galim shares, "but along with the shock, I quickly began to understand the implications. Because when you understand what one family goes through when their son is kidnapped and then they become bereaved, and try to multiply that by unimaginable numbers, you reach a result that can't be contained. Throughout that day, I felt absolute shock; I couldn't function, which is unusual for me because I am a very functional person. Often, when I don't know what to do, I first of all function, but here the feelings just paralyzed me."

Gil-Ad Sha'ar

Understanding That We Don't Understand

In a psychological sense, Bat-Galim notes that she and her family are in a completely different place today than they were in the years following their personal tragedy. "The events of recent months didn't trigger post-trauma reminders for us and didn't cause flashbacks," she notes, "apparently the personal and family work we did paid off, it's proving itself, and we're really in a different place. However, it's clear that it's hard for me, as it is for everyone. For every fallen or murdered person I hear about, my heart breaks. Especially since I have a deeper understanding of what the families are going through, it's clear there's a connection between that and what we experienced, it's etched in our hearts forever. "Of course, we don't come to compare the pains," Bat-Galim emphasizes, "especially since our pain was personal to three families, whereas here there is 'mega pain' – a mass of families forced to deal with the worst. But even so, it's hard to shake off the common lines of connection between the events."

The main similarity that Bat-Galim cannot ignore is the reactions of the people of Israel, from all walks of life. "It's amazing to see how in times of disaster, the people of Israel mobilize in the most amazing and supportive way possible," she enthuses. "During the days we experienced our private tragedy, we received so much warmth from the people around us, and that's something that stays with us to this day. Even now, it's amazing and moving to see the incredible number of citizens, soldiers, residents of the country, and Jews from all over the world, who are all volunteering and acting for the sake of the people of Israel. One of my daughters goes out once a week to pick crops to help in agriculture, and I try to join her from time to time. Each time I'm moved anew to see the volunteers coming from all ends of the spectrum of Israeli society. It truly warms the heart. The last time I met a soldier who told me, 'I went on leave, for a few days of relaxation,' and when I asked with surprise, 'On leave you volunteer in agriculture?' he replied, 'Yes, of course.' And that's just a small example. I think we all need to stop for a moment and remind ourselves how amazing and wonderful we are. Because sometimes we voice a lot of self-criticism and forget this important lesson of giving the benefit of the doubt. Personally, I can say that knowing the beauty of the people of Israel gave me a lot of strength, especially at the time before the war. Those were such difficult days for the nation, but I constantly reminded myself not to be frightened by the quarrels. Even though they don't flatter us and aren't supposed to happen, I know who my people are and I'm familiar with their good roots, and now their unity is truly bursting forth on its own."

Do you believe that this unity will continue even after the war ends?

"It's clear that it won't be easy, sadly even now I'm starting to hear voices that are bringing back the divisive discourse we had, but we have to do everything to avoid returning to that. We must not go back to what was before. An event like what we are experiencing must trigger a true self-examination in all respects – national, social, and family. Everyone needs to look inside from their own place and think about what change can be made because it is inconceivable that we return to being the same people. Every day in prayer we ask: "Renew our days as of old," meaning they will be "like of old," not exactly the same, but an improved version."

As a woman of faith, do you feel that it's easier for you to go through such crises?

"Of course, faith gives strength. Even in dealing with the loss of Gil-Ad, I feel that faith strengthens enormously. To this day, there are moments when I ask myself what happened and why we experienced it. The understanding that there is a Creator of the universe who alone manages things, grants an anchor and stability. Sure, we don't know why everything happened, nor do we know where it will lead us and what tomorrow will bring, but precisely the understanding that there is no understanding is what, in my view, strengthens. Because our generation is an advanced generation of wise people, we are accustomed to having answers and explanations for everything. Today's youth tend to say: 'If I don't connect – I don't do,' and precisely in the issue of running the world, there is no answer – all the subjects our forefathers dealt with like 'The righteous suffers, the wicked prospers' or issues of reward and punishment receive no answer. And yes, right here, despite all the difficulty and pain, we feel more than anything our Father in heaven and connect to Him from the deepest faith and the knowledge that He alone manages the world. By the way, I hear about similar feelings from many people who don't necessarily define themselves as religious but are very faithful and connect deeply to these things. This is one of the things we learned from the event as well – to leave behind the stigmas and be more open to each other."

We All Face Challenges

Three years after the murder of the three boys, Bat-Galim published a moving book titled 'What Will Tomorrow Bring'. The name fits well with the message she aims to convey. "We can never know what will happen to us tomorrow, and that's exactly the place to enter humility. Although I am a woman of faith, and the notion that Hashem manages the world is not new to me, there was probably a certain pride in me that still made me feel as if I had some control over what happens here. I received a real slap in the face; they shook me with all their might. Suddenly I realized that we are such small people, and even though we, of course, are obligated to make efforts in every field – we can never know what Hashem plans for us and what the next day holds."

Since the book was published, it has sold in many copies both in Israel and abroad. "Before I published the book, I felt all the time that there were strong insights within me, and I felt a mission to pass them on to the people of Israel and reflect our beautiful side," she explains. "I wanted to give Israeli society strength, and ultimately it turned out that Jews all over the world read the book and were greatly strengthened because it was translated into English and available for purchase on 'Amazon'."

Today, Bat-Galim is engaged in giving lectures on resilience and empowerment, and at the same time, she is a student at Bar-Ilan, completing a thesis in doctoral studies, also on the subject of resilience. "We are all people facing challenges," she says from her experience and familiarity with many cases she closely accompanies. "Although loss is an extreme case, which sadly in recent months too many people have been forced to confront closely, even those who don't encounter loss face a variety of other problems. These could be health or livelihood issues, marital problems, or any other matter. There is no one not facing something, and it's important that we acquire tools to help us in such situations so that they can take us forward and not, God forbid, break us."

In addition to all her activities, Bat-Galim heads the 'Sonshine' association, an organization she co-founded with the parents of the other two boys, and she promotes about ten projects within it to brighten and add goodness to the world. One of the projects the association is currently handling is helping the residents of Kibbutz 'Kerem Shalom'. "Kerem Shalom is located in the Gaza envelope," Bat-Galim explains, "and already at the beginning of the war, we adopted it, to provide all that can help the residents. We accompany them through the entire rehabilitation process, purchasing equipment for emergency units, and more."

These very days, Gil-Ad would have been celebrating his birthday for the tenth time since the murder. "For ten years now, we've been reaching out on this date urging people to make something sweet in his memory and give it to others," his mother recounts. "Gil-Ad loved to bake and give to others, and we feel it's a privilege to commemorate him in such a way. This year, in the shadow of the war, we are allowing people to purchase chocolate snacks, and we take care of everything else – packing the treats and delivering them to soldiers and bereaved families in the area. There is so much need for a sweet treat these days, and we hope to reach as many as possible."