"He Went to Reservist Duty, I Felt Frustrated and Abandoned": Challenges Faced by Women Whose Husbands Were Drafted

It's been four weeks, and they are alone at home while their husbands are on reservist duty. They worry about the safety of their loved ones, pray, and hope for a brief visit home. During this time, they handle all the daily routines left behind—home, children, work. The wives of reservists face very busy days—both technically and emotionally. Yiska Shomer, a couples therapist, decided to take initiative and established a special WhatsApp group for them, offering daily writing tasks to boost their strength in the long struggle.

"They Just Infiltrated Houses, and You're Leaving?"

Like many on the morning of Simchat Torah, Yiska Shomer's husband left their house for military service. "I found myself, like all of Israel, shocked, hurting, speechless, and yet proud to be part of something significant happening with the Israeli nation," she says. "Not long after, uncomfortable emotions of anger, frustration, and abandonment joined. In my heart, I said to my husband, 'They just infiltrated houses, and you're leaving? Hello, protect us.' Intellectually, I wanted to support him, I wanted different words, but none of these thoughts came to fruition. For years I've been focused on awareness and inner listening, but in those moments, it wasn't accessible. I tried to be present, to listen inwardly, but I was flooded, hurt, and frustrated."

The difficult feelings stayed with Yiska in the days following: "I felt my marital energy slipping into anger and fear, I couldn't sleep at night, and I woke up to the news. I quickly realized it was too much for me; I needed help." Out of that realization, she decided to take two actions: "I opened a morning focus group for my students, where we start the day with prayer and inner listening. And the second, I reached out to Tair Harif, a group facilitator using writing, and suggested we start a WhatsApp group where women would write to their husbands who went to battle, creating a different marital energy. I did all of this out of a need to save myself; I couldn't imagine how meaningful this step would be for so many other women."

The group started operating a few days after the outbreak of the war. "Usually, we want to give space to the emotions that arise now and here, but they were so hard, and I understood it wasn't right to sink into them. Tair and I decided to create a counter movement, importing the places we wish to be. We started creating a daily writing invitation to empower us, to return to the good aspects of the relationship and not to sink into pain. 'I wanted to tell you today that what strengthens me the most now is...', 'I appreciate you for... and I appreciate myself for...', 'Moments before Shabbat, I bless you with... and bless myself with...'. The writing invitations are very simple but manage to ignite healthy parts in us."

Over a thousand women joined the group called "Letters to My Beloved". "Through writing, we leave behind the cities of misery," explains Yiska. "Women can build entire cities of misery, and it's justified, but it's also exhausting—for us, and for our husbands who went to war. However, when a man knows he has support, it gives him strength, and words from the heart reveal strength in us too."

What are the wives of the drafted experiencing these days?

"Everyone understands that something significant is happening to the people of Israel, and many are clear that it's a privilege to play a role and do what needs to be done for our people. But it doesn't take away from the fact that there is a challenge here, altering the face of the relationship, the family, and sometimes even the business. Initially, it was a real uprooting, and as the days passed, we all wondered—how do we cope now? Many women write to me 'I can't sleep', 'I keep waking up and waiting for the morning'. They gave up personal safety so that their husbands could protect Israel. And we haven't even begun to talk about motherhood with small children, facing challenges in many details. I have a friend, for example, who was at the garage for 4 hours with six small children."

The challenges did not bypass Yiska herself. "I received a call from a project called 'Homefront Support', asking if I needed help as a reservist's wife," she says. "It's a group of people who finished their duty, understanding that there's a front line that needs support. Tears welled up the moment they acknowledged me. I asked what it meant, and on the other end, someone from Herzliya answered 'babysitting, cooking...'. I replied that I live in a warm, embracing community, that my kids aren't little, so thanks, but no need. Later, I realized my 21-year-old daughter needs to move houses in our area, and there's no one to help with the move. I called them again, and they were amazing—they took responsibility for the move from start to finish. Someone from the neighboring kibbutz, who is not religious like us, with kind eyes and hands, took care of it all."

Waves of Love

What are the responses from the other side—those receiving the letters?

"Most partners receive the heartfelt words with joy and excitement, and at some point, my husband Yehonatan also started such a group for men, after persistent requests. However, there are those without a phone for extended periods, or who can't give space to emotions for various reasons. Therefore, the instruction to women is to write without expecting reciprocation. Personally, in the first weeks, I only got emojis from Yehonatan. Amid all the intense activity, he couldn't allocate time for emotional and deeper places."

Yet, even women who don't get replies from their husbands have chosen not to give up. "The impact of writing on the woman herself is profound. A few days ago, someone told me she's learning to express emotions. It’s such a significant gift when a woman connects to that inner process. Other women write to me that for years they wanted to express what they feel inside and didn’t know how, and now they discover ripples of love and tenderness within themselves. 'I never imagined that the war would help develop a language of love we have wanted for so many years,' they add. So even if the responses from the other side don't match, these words of connection are still very powerful."

What about difficult emotions? When will you give them space?

"Naturally, while writing, women also share their pains, but it still comes from a frequency of growth, not from misery and victimhood. Personally, it's not always easy for me. At first, for instance, I judged myself for feeling all the anger and pain, after all, the world needs saving now. But with the group discussions, I saw so many of us share those feelings. Conversely, we're the ones maintaining the place to return to after the war, the place that continues nurturing life. That’s why it’s crucial to change our stance, to stop being pitiful, not become captive to fear, but instead channel different energy. The strength the soldiers have is also needed at the home front."

The renowned words of our Sages become relevant today: "It’s written that thanks to righteous women, Israel was redeemed, and what did they do? They tempted their men to maintain close connections in horrible circumstances of torture and slavery. When women maintain a frequency of love amid all chaos, personal and collective, this sustains redemption. The energy for construction is available because of this."

To what extent can a woman, dealing with her husband being away, be in this good space now?

"On a personal level—when my husband isn't here, I have to pull myself out of the abyss several times a day. It's a skill we need to build—learning how to lead ourselves. If a woman leads herself now through simply acting without feeling, while staying sheltered in a safe room, it’s likely to explode inside her at some point. Eventually, the feeling of misery will surface, along with the breakdown. Hence, we’re learning now to lead ourselves with all parts—respecting hard emotions, frustration, abandonment, while also envisioning how we'd like to feel, bringing that good into our lives. Thinking how I’d like our phone conversations to be as a couple. How to bring more depth to them, so they don’t always end on a shallow note. We bring in pain and frustration, but we're also building life leadership."

Writing to your partner creates something additional. "It allows a new path in the brain to form," explains Yiska. "A person can remain in their own loop, whereas communication with another person pulls them out of that loop and infuses a different energy. In general, the possibility of having options for other languages, the sense that we’re not alone and there’s someone to share with. The partner's response to the letters, and even the ability to give without expecting a response, is a personal and shared redemption. One person, for example, shared the journey he and his wife underwent with a conflict they were in because of this dialogue."

What questions are emerging from the field right now?

"The questions are many and painful. Women ask: how do we celebrate an anniversary when the husband's in the army? How do we maintain intimacy when he's not here? What do we say to a husband who lost a close friend? How to cope with joining the army mid-argument or ongoing disagreement? We’re trying to provide answers to these questions—like a file detailing an online wedding anniversary ceremony, and a video addressing the intimacy challenge. We’re not in 'la la land', the challenge is massive, there’s no beautifying it. Conversely, this is reality, it is prevalent now, and it’s important to build proper coping mechanisms with it."

The 'after' challenge—24 hours' leave from the army—also comes up. "Personally, Yehonatan, my husband, was on 'after' on my birthday. I wanted to enjoy the time together, but numerous technical questions concerning the house and business needed addressing. I struggled with the thought that during this short time, we had to deal with them, hence we decided to frame the issues. We traveled to consult with our Rabbi and business advisor for guidance. Then, since I was very charged, we allocated time to address painful matters. At some point, despite the difficulty, we 'jumped over me with love' and moved to blessings and connection. It's a skill—to manage ourselves in this short break period, understanding how to leave it without falling apart."

In conclusion, Yiska says, "Personally, it was significant to discover that what I feel is felt by many other women. Before, I would tell myself 'what are you complaining about? You have no right, your life isn’t hard enough. So what if your husband isn’t here, and your work plan was disrupted?'—the encounter with other women led to the understanding that what I feel isn't just mine, that it’s part of divine communication with us and part of our mission. The home is a front line, and women are champions for holding it. Maintaining a frequency of love, even from afar, is redemption. How wonderful it is that we are doing it together."