Ilana Rada: "I am at War Until the Day I Die, Feeling I'm Only Left With Hashem"

Nothing will ever be the same in the life of Ilana Rada. Almost 17 years have passed since that terrible day when her daughter Tair was murdered, changing her life forever. If we thought this shocking story would remain just an unforgettable memory, it resurfaced in the headlines recently, after Roman Zadorov, who was convicted of Tair's murder, was granted a retrial where the court found him not guilty. Zadorov was released, while the real killer remains free and unidentified. For Rada, these are difficult times, reopening the deep wound in her life.

Ilana, how has the past year been for you?

"The past year has been one of the most unexpected years I've experienced. We knew a retrial would take place and that there was a shoeprint under discussion. There were three judges, two of whom essentially conducted almost a reinvestigation of testimonies, deceptions, new facts from the murder, and unfortunately severe failures, even looking back 17 years.

"The great tension was regarding the testimonies for the first time of Adir Habani and Ola Kravchenko. Over the years, my trust in various systems was shattered, and when I decided to trust this court and accept the verdict – it became easier for me. In the verdict, two of the judges gave 23 hints that both might be involved in the murder and need to be investigated, and now, this is essentially my war alone.

"Meaning, if for 17 years I've been fighting, and Zadorov received this privilege for a retrial from my fight, because compared to other murder cases, usually the victim's family hardly intervenes and the court basically ostracizes it. But here public involvement helped a lot and created a big noise, and there were groups that supported him, and all this eventually helped him get a retrial."

How do you feel about him today?

"Nothing. He still lives here in the city, in Katzrin. I can only say there's anger in me that he confessed to something he didn't do."

"I am the Revealed Miracle of Hashem"

Do you still believe that they will find who murdered Tair?

"Yes, definitely. I have no doubt. It requires a lot of patience and strength, because it sweeps you away from life and shatters them, but this is my fight until the day I die, this is a battlefield written in blood. At the same time, I strongly feel Tair. At first, I lived in anger, nerves, emotions, really in a state of 'life before' and 'life after', and when I connected with Hashem, I understood Tair has a path. Over time, I understood she's telling me: 'Mom, wait, I'll show you all the faults, and then there will be a judgment.'

"Before this trial started, I said this is Tair's year, she came to finish her role, and in the end, it will end. How will it end? I don't know. But I have faith and hope, and I am the revealed miracle of Hashem. Because those who knew me, my way of life, and how I raised Tair, did not believe I would survive even an hour after she was murdered. My children said openly they would tomorrow attend their mother's funeral, yet I stood up despite everything. I fight and do everything, not necessarily for Tair's justice, because I know I can’t bring her back, but for our grandchildren, for the people of Israel, to reflect to everyone, because unfortunately, it can happen to anyone."

What gives you strength? There must be many difficult moments.

"True. They ripped my soul from me with Tair's murder, and learning to breathe again has been a journey for me. The worst part was that my father died of sorrow a year later, and so did my mother and husband who suffered from cancer simultaneously. But with all this sorrow, nothing compares to burying a child, I don't think it's something you can ever overcome.

"I lost trust in people to the point where even with my children, I didn't trust them. Every word, I thought if the person in front of me is telling the truth or not, I felt like I was left only with Hashem. I am a traditional woman and realized he gives me strength and shows me, and every time I turned to him, I felt I was answered, even if sometimes I argued with him.

"It's not easy. I don't pretend to say I got a gift and I'm giving it back, but I understood he tells me: 'I gave you a tough task, your daughter was a sacrifice, but I will also give you strength', and I see it every day, hour by hour. Interestingly, even in my lowest days I turned to him every night, asked him not to harden my heart, to keep it beating and believing, and so I feel it happens. I also understood that the more I do for her soul elevation, the more I help her, and all of Israel prayed and believed. Today I also know that with my public appearances and statements, I instilled faith in people that they can live after."

Are there feelings of guilt that follow you all these years?

"No, and I say this wholeheartedly. Today I know there is nothing I didn’t do to protect Tair and fulfill her dreams. Our disappointment is that it happened on our watch, despite all the protective layer, care, and attentiveness, how did it happen to us, that's the difficulty. Hence this curiosity also about what really happened there and how it happened the way it did."

What changed in your life since the murder?

"I went through a lot of psychological treatments that helped me and learned a lot from them. I took two very important concepts out of my life: 'I have to' and 'it's not nice'. For me, they are like a burden in our lives, a very heavy burden – and once I removed them, I felt relief. Also, I used to be a very clean person, almost perfectionistic, and I learned to let that go. I'm not saying I'm not clean, but I deal less with the trivial, try to enjoy every moment, make the best out of the moment, see the sunrise, thank Hashem for every day he gives me, and hope it remains so every day. Yes, there are downs. People say to me 'you're strong', but there are difficult crises that we attempt to overcome, my two sons and I, after my husband's death, trying to rebuild the house because it collapsed in every sense, trying to honor each other's wishes. A week ago, a new granddaughter was born to me, which is also a miracle. Everything you achieve in life is a miracle.

"Besides, today I give lectures, write posts, and receive many inquiries. There are five amazing guys helping me find the truth, and they also publish all my lectures. At first, it was hard for me to stand on stage, expose myself, and speak my truth, but I learned to see the good and that I give a lot of strength and help change thinking. I talk about life, how to believe, even on a mental level, choose life, how to live it, know to acknowledge that you can fall. I also feel that much of my strength comes from the citizens of the State of Israel, who embrace, love, and do not refrain from hugging and supporting, it's every moment and every hour. When you see everyone's embrace, you can't shut yourself in a room and whine about your fate; you feel how much strength you can draw from this people.

Where do you lecture?

"All of Israel invites me to lectures: youth groups, women's groups, retirees, even the Arab sector, which shocked me with how connected they are to this story and how much it touched them. I also went on a lecture tour in the USA, literally from coast to coast, even people living abroad are interested, asking, and encouraging, schools, teachers, attorneys. Because you expose yourself to them most authentically and do not pretend to be someone else, and do not overphrase or beautify, for many people I shattered opinions, and if a girl who lives in a home with two policemen is sure Zadorov is guilty and I manage to change her mind – this is the way you show people."

"Hashem Brought an Angel into Our Home"

Tair was born with a 12-year gap from her two older brothers. Is there a special story behind her birth?

"We wanted more children, but I saw my husband's career. He was a work manager as an armor officer in tanks, in the midst of operations, wars, among the major units holding these lines, so he was almost never home. And after the second child, seeing how hard it was, wanting everything – both to be a mother at home and to do everything alone – we took a break. Then I got pregnant by chance.

"And then Tair came. It was a defining moment, I was with a friend during labor, and my husband was in Lebanon, and I cried and just wanted to know she's healthy. It didn't even matter to me if she was a boy or a girl, and she came out perfect. Looking back today, I feel she raised me, not the other way around. She was always very honest, upright, very 'love your neighbor as yourself', loved others and the different, acted socially, communally, gave her all to learning, was an outstanding student, on a class level, was in an excellence project, also learned to dance and got accepted into a representative troupe in the Golan Heights, combining these two things that made her a very happy girl. Around her were only joy, laughter, and love, and you did not see this thing, not even in the light distance from her. It took years even to understand, not even accept, we were in denial at home that Tair left and didn’t come back.

"Tair loved to honor everyone. We have very religious family members and friends, and I have two ultra-Orthodox brothers. One day we're traveling to them for Shabbat, and she tells me: 'You know I need religious clothes in my closet', and I ask her 'what does that mean?'. And she explains to me: a long skirt and a shirt past the elbow. I'm in shock, because I didn't teach her these little things. One day she lags in her room when we're hurrying to school, and she's sitting, reading a booklet. I ask her what it is, and she explains she's reading *Modeh Ani* and the Shema at night. You don't know whether to cry at that level because then you understand that Hashem brought you an angel into the home, an angel you should raise, protect, and wrap. Even today, people entering the synagogue established in her memory feel some angel embracing and wrapping them."

Did you ever think something terrible was going to happen when she was missing?

"No, not at all. It was December, after we waited for a few hours and she didn't return, we reported to the police. Slowly more and more people began to gather at our house and outside, a whole emergency room was created, searching for her, and I'm sure she'd walk in at any moment and say to me what an embarrassment I made for her and how I crossed the line this time. It was just puzzling to me, because it wasn’t like her not to answer me.

"In the end, Tair will not become just another number. She will not be a statistic. People will learn from her case and from the failures that were there, because I think I touched on something most important to all of us, which is actually our children. The exposure and access to all the materials and involvement have basically resulted in the realization that besides us, no one can protect our children, and it is our duty as parents to do everything, educate them properly, put them in the right place, believe in them, warn and shout, and if something doesn’t seem right – do not ignore, and sadly we see this in the family, at home, outside. But my prayer to Hashem is that we see good days, and truly that the people of Israel will open their eyes and see the good – because this is our land. Hashem is my hope, he is the judge, and I trust only him, and I know it will be good."

Ilana Rada will feature in Moran Kurs' new show, "Breaking the Silence", which will soon air on the Hidabroot website and channel.