I Admired My Brother Who Left the Yeshiva; I Wanted to Be Like Him

Moshe Greenberg was only eleven years old when his brother, three years his senior, began drifting into the world outside. He changed his clothing, left the Chasidic yeshiva where he studied, and started bringing inappropriate content home. "We were a typical Charedi family, and it was a huge shock," Moshe recalls. "Especially since the deterioration was very rapid—my brother left the Chasidic path, the home, cut his sidelocks, and joined the army."

When his brother enlisted, Moshe was already 14, and he remembers those days as particularly confusing and challenging. "My brother had a big influence on me, and I really wanted to be like him," he explains. "I saw him as an example of a successful person who achieves great things. I was swept away by him, and I already had one foot out the door, but at some point, I stopped and came back with great force. By age 17, I was considered one of the most diligent students, and by age 19, I married my wife and established a very devout home. Today, with Hashem's blessing, I am the father of four lovely children. I studied in a kollel for several years, and now I support struggling youth, and no less importantly, their siblings who face considerable challenges, providing support all the way through to achieving results with Hashem's help."

A Young Child, A Great Test

The personal trial Moshe's family experienced was, as it turns out, even broader. "In addition to my older brother who left the path, there is another brother below me who was Chasidic like me but unfortunately left it all. Naturally, this affected the entire family greatly, and it brought back the feeling that when there is a youth in distress in the family, we must also remember the siblings in the home who share in the pain and struggle. Although it sometimes seems everything is fine with them, and they continue with their lives as usual, this is not the case. A brother of a struggling youth always faces questions that cannot be ignored. For example, I was always troubled by the question: 'Do I need to respect my brother who brings so much sorrow to our parents and family?' There was a phase where I felt deep shame when friends saw me on the street with my brother, and of course, there was the great curiosity, because my brother brought home all sorts of fascinating technological gadgets that, as a young child, captivated me very much."

What can truly be said to siblings of struggling youth? How can we help them?

"I believe the most important thing is, first of all, to listen to these children and hear their hearts. I remember that during the days when my older brother began his downward spiral, what I missed the most was having someone with whom I could pour out my heart and who would understand me. I strive to be that supportive figure for those youths, explaining to them that while it is certainly hard and painful, the difficulty should not push us to leave the righteous path as well. Personally, I also try to offer some sort of compensation for the hard experiences they go through, providing them with thrills and experiences that do not compromise their adherence to the Torah way, always explaining: 'If your brother enjoys forbidden places, we enjoy permissible places.' It's important for me to show them that we truly lack nothing, there is nothing waiting beyond the street."

(Photo: Yonatan Sindel / Flash 90)

And does it really help?

"Yes, definitely. There are boys who, after a brief period of crisis, return to the straight path and continue with life as usual. There are those for whom it takes longer, and I accept this with understanding and patience. It’s important that parents also cultivate patience and understanding. One piece of advice I always give to parents: 'If your child bought slightly more modern glasses or changed their clothing style, don’t immediately view them as someone about to derail like their sibling. Instead, look at what still exists within them and help them preserve it.' Because children can feel their parents' hearts, and if they sense their parents’ pressure, it can provoke anger, feeling that it's not really about them but about their own reputation and fearing for the family's name."

"Incidentally, sometimes in such families, an opposite phenomenon occurs, where younger children attempt to veer toward extremes, shutting themselves off, even more than the standard, as a means of escape and protection. Of course, this is not good, because a person should behave with healthy naturalness, and extremity is never advisable. In the initial stages, you can still let such children withdraw because it’s a type of escape from the reality they are experiencing, but at some point, sooner or later, it’s advisable to balance them and bring them back to reality."

"In general, it’s very important for parents to understand that part of the challenge in raising a struggling youth is that the entire household becomes a struggling household and thus requires different maintenance rules than any other home. Today it is already known that a struggling youth should be treated with a great deal of understanding and love. But preserving that understanding and love is equally important for the other children in the home. We tend to think that as long as the child behaves normally and does not show distress, special attention isn't necessary, which is a mistaken perception. When a child shows signs of distress, it's much harder to fix. Conversely, when there are no signs of distress, that is the time to preserve and strengthen the current state. Instead of building a hospital beneath a collapsing bridge, let’s strengthen the bridge so it won't fall, and there will be no need to build the hospital."

"If the children in the home feel the warmth and love of the parents, while also feeling the compassion and empathy towards the struggling sibling and even being partners in rescuing them, there’s no reason for the child to fear that it might also happen to them. On the contrary, they will be able to declare confidently: 'It won’t happen to me.' The parents, in turn, can also relax and know that the child won’t be influenced by their sibling, as it’s said in Chazal: 'Aidi deletreich lemifle, lo bala' – while busy giving, one cannot be influenced."

The Understanding: The Soul is Wounded

What can you say to youth who feel anger towards a sibling who left the path and find it hard to respect them and maintain a relationship?

"I explain to the youth I accompany that sometimes it seems to them that their brother wakes up every day thinking: 'How can I hurt my parents and family today? What can I do next to hurt them?' But that’s really not it. It’s important to understand that everything the brother does out of line isn’t from free-choice, but from deep pain. He tries to cover the pain in various ways, but it's clear the intent isn’t to hurt parents and family. On the contrary, when he sees the family in pain, it bothers and hurts him. It’s hard for him to see them distressed, but it’s also hard for him to consider them, because his own pain is a hundred times stronger than the pain he causes them. He cannot think about and consider others when he himself seeks healing for his own wounds. If we understand this and change our approach towards him, we’ll start to pity him and treat him accordingly, sparing ourselves the pain and negative feelings, and perhaps even help him heal and return to the righteous path quickly."

To siblings embarrassed to be seen with their struggling sibling, he suggests: "Let’s imagine ourselves approached by an organization of those returning to faith, asking us to help and accompany secular returnees to strengthen them. Of course, we would be happy to help. Would it be embarrassing to walk with them on the street, escort them home, or talk with them in view of our friends? Surely not. On the contrary, we would feel a sense of pride for this important and lofty role of bringing close our lost brethren. Now, let’s apply all this to our siblings at home. They are no less deserving than those with whom we share no kinship. Our brother at home deserves first to receive such love and connection, so we must do everything to accept him as he is. If we understand our mission and focus on the good, we won’t be embarrassed by our brother and can maintain a healthy and respectful relationship."

Yet, Moshe cautiously adds that parents should examine the connection between the struggling youth and their siblings, and observe how it affects the household. "In my case, my brothers are very careful not to negatively influence my younger brothers, and whenever they come home, they sit with them, show interest in what they’ve learned in cheder, and even give them examples from the Gemara they studied in the past. In such a situation, there’s truly no point in cutting ties, but rather strengthening family bonds. Severance from family should only be a last-resort measure, in extreme cases where there is no other choice, as it is the only way to protect the younger child without harm. Sometimes, we may prefer that the struggling sibling doesn’t come home, but still allow siblings to maintain telephone contact, which is less impactful yet keeps the sibling as part of our family."

And one can’t help but ask: How do your parents respond to your initiatives?

"My parents were very happy with the idea, and they bless me for it every day. But the most surprising thing is that my brothers who left the path are also pleased with my initiatives. One of them even openly told me once: 'The main thing is that there shouldn't be more cases like ours,' because it turns out they are both very aware of where they are, and both understand it wasn’t the preferred choice."

A Real Way to Rejoice

In conclusion, Moshe wishes to point out the most authentic answer he offers to siblings of struggling youths, who ask him the million-dollar question: "Maybe he truly enjoys life, and we are the ones who are missing out?"

"To answer genuinely, I advise the youths to always look at the outcome test and examine it. To truly know if someone enjoys life and is happy, we need to examine them during times when they don't have all the stimuli that make them happy. For example, we can take a person who smokes and claims it's calming, and assess — if their cigarettes run out and they don't buy more, will they still be calm? Certainly not, quite the opposite. Therefore, clearly, the cigarettes didn’t truly have an effect. Similarly, with our sibling, it’s clear that if we were to take away the device and friends for a day, they would explode with boredom and frustration, and why? Because none of these things are truly beneficial, and they do not bring true joy and happiness, as they have no good impact on the person."

"In contrast, if we take a person who sits and delves into the holy Torah, feeling a genuine connection to the Creator of the world, we can observe that they are happy and content not only during study but also while waiting in line at the supermarket or stuck in long traffic jams. In such situations, they do not lose their peace and happiness, because the Torah instills an infinite connection to the Creator of the world, allowing them to derive joy and vitality from Him anywhere. This is the strongest proof of the correct and true path we are all recommended to live by, to achieve true happiness and joy."

To reach Moshe Greenberg: m0527187476@gmail.com