"I Can't Promise to Heal, But I Can Promise to Be Happy"

Nothing prepared Chaya Sofer for the drama about to unfold in her life. Even now, after four and a half years labeled as a "cancer patient," she hasn't fully absorbed the title and doesn't act in the manner of someone tackling it both physically and mentally.

Chaya, 43, now resides in New York, married to Shmuelik and mother to three wonderful daughters. She recounts how one of her daughters once asked why she always mentions the cancer whenever she introduces herself. "I replied that unfortunately, I have no other way, as cancer has taken over every aspect of my life to the point where if I don't mention it, people simply won't understand me. That's the hardest part of this disease, the way cancer interrupts every little action," she shares.

Facing the Disease Head-On

"In fact, my life was never ordinary," begins Chaya in her story. "Hospitals were always familiar territory, as we spent years dealing with hospitalizations, particularly with one of my daughters who was ill and required numerous medical procedures. I'm also a midwife by profession, so I was well acquainted with the hospital setting. About four and a half years ago, I was diagnosed for the first time. It was about six months after my daughter underwent major surgery in South Africa, which was successful, thank Hashem. When my illness was diagnosed, I actually felt a sense of relief: 'Finally, it's me and not her.' In those days, the doctors were very optimistic, pointing out that detecting the disease at an early stage was a huge advantage. I was young and had every chance of recovering and returning to a normal life. True, I knew I was facing a series of treatments, but I'm familiar with hospitals and not afraid of medical procedures. You might be surprised to hear, but we went through the treatment phase with lots of laughter and joy. We named the cancer, talked about having to chase it away because it was a nuisance. There was a lot of humor and laughter surrounding the illness."

But still, it's a serious illness... weren't there moments of struggle?

"One cannot ignore the struggle," agrees Chaya. "Back then, it was mainly physical. I'm a very strong person, and I was surprised by how much the disease weakens the body. But the treatment plan was very clear, as were the goals and objectives. The doctors told me from the start that I'd have to undergo multiple treatment cycles, and I knew that after the treatments, I'd be healthy, with the help of Hashem. That is indeed what happened. I went through everything, and tried to return to routine. I remember after the treatments ended asking the doctor: 'Can I call myself healthy?' She laughed and replied: 'Okay, I'll allow you to.' Although officially, 'healthy' is defined medically only after five years. It wasn't just formal; even in my mind I felt completely healthy, and I saw the whole experience behind me. But the cancer was stubborn, and it was discovered again eight months later."

How did you discover the disease returned?

"To be honest, even though the symptoms returned and were undeniable, I didn't associate them with a recurrence, perhaps out of naivety or perhaps because I simply didn’t want to connect the dots. I continued working in the maternity ward every day, until a supervisor at work noticed and brought it to my attention: 'Chaya, did something happen to your leg? Why are you limping?' I tried to brush it off, saying it was nothing, but eventually, I could no longer deny it. Another test was done, and then it was revealed that the cancer had returned for the third time, and this time it was metastatic. At that time, the spread was very limited, and the doctors believed there was a chance to control it. They explained that I would undergo biological treatment, which had a good chance of helping. I also had a wise oncologist to whom I'm really grateful. She asked me, 'Chaya, what's your biggest dream?' After thinking a little, I replied: 'To take my family, disconnect from everything, and travel the world.' The oncologist said, 'Chaya, now is the time to do it.' It was towards the end of the pandemic, and schools hadn't yet returned to regular operations, providing us with the perfect time for a trip. That's how I took my husband and three daughters, and we flew on a five-month trip across the USA. It was an incredibly special and unifying experience, and we truly enjoyed every moment. Although I had to return to Israel for tests in which they identified that the cancer was still developing, the doctor, who understood that mental health is just as crucial as physical health, agreed to wait with treatment and told me: 'Travel a bit more.' At that time, I felt well and could enjoy it entirely. Later, we returned to Israel, not anticipating that a month and a half later, we'd fly back to the USA for less joyful reasons. It turned out I needed a medication that wasn't available in Israel, and since I hold American citizenship, they suggested I receive it in the USA."

(Photo: shutterstock)

Being Joyful in Any Situation

For the past two years, Chaya has been living with her family in New York, receiving treatments and striving to gain strength and see the good. "Is it hard to be grateful for aggressive chemo? I'm not so sure," she asserts with unexplained optimism, "because, ultimately, it's what saves me and helps me hold on. When I was flown to New York, it wasn't clear if I'd survive the flight, and in the end, it gave me another 20 months of life, so how can I complain?"

Chaya does not delude herself; she truly means every word. "When you're in such a situation, many dreams, hopes, and desires shatter, and the only thing left is maintaining a positive mindset. I've learned throughout the illness that positive thinking creates a positive reality, and since I've always been an optimistic and faithful person, it's natural for me to continue seeing the good even in challenging times."

But it sounds nearly impossible... Where do you find the strength?

Chaya manages to surprise: "I think it stems from my medical condition. Due to the medication I receive, I often find myself 'throwing' in bed, devoid of energy, giving me plenty of opportunities for introspection. The more I think, the more I conclude that an optimistic outlook depends solely on me and no one else. I cannot change my prognosis or medical situation, but I can certainly live in the moment and find joy in it. That's precisely what I've taught myself to do. I've taught myself to be joyful in the present, to live each day on its own rather than focusing on the future. For me, there is no future since I have no control over it, and there is no benefit in contemplating it. The only thing I know is that I can choose to be happy now, with the circumstances I have. I can play uplifting music, laugh with my daughters, read books I love, and ensure a pleasant atmosphere around me. When I succeed in doing this, I'm truly happy, especially seeing everyone around me being happy too, because joy is contagious."

(Photo: shutterstock)

And honestly, is this true happiness?

Chaya doesn't take long to respond: "Yes, it's genuine happiness," and she has an insightful view on this: "It's common to use the phrase 'choose to be happy,' and I believe the word 'choose' accurately illustrates our role. True joy can only occur when there is a genuine recognition of all the emotions you feel. Only someone who acknowledges their sadness, fear, and helplessness, embracing the entire spectrum of emotions rather than ignoring them, can make an authentic choice to 'be joyful.' Conversely, someone who decides to be cheerful while dismissing their other feelings does not do so from true choice. Therefore, I can honestly say my happiness is as real as it gets, because each day, I choose to be happy. I'm immensely grateful to Hashem for it, knowing well it’s no small feat."

In the Father's Hands

Conversations with Chaya are sincere and captivating, and just as she faces the illness head-on, she addresses other topics related to it, like faith, with the same candor.

"Since childhood and throughout my life, I was accustomed to a 'give and take' relationship with the Creator," she explains. "I was always taught that observing mitzvot and keeping the Torah would earn rewards, as it is written: 'Tithe, so you become rich,' or 'Honor your father and mother for long days.' Suddenly, I found myself in a different relationship with Hashem, because the old method no longer worked for me. Despite my earnest attempts to strengthen myself in commandments and fulfill my duties, my medical condition continued to decline. I realized then that I had two choices: I could decide to break all ties and walk away, or understand that Hashem deals with me in a much deeper way and that, despite my condition, I need to learn to see Him. It took time to internalize, but now my faith is much deeper and more complete, emerging from a place of 'cast your burden upon Hashem.' I simply believe and know everything is in His hands, and therefore, I trust He's doing what’s best for me, even if it's challenging to grasp why. Feeling this way makes it easier for me to be happy, because I'm not complaining; I'm just lifting my hands heavenward, thanking for everything, and trying to create a pleasant and uplifting environment. I believe my joy is my great miracle, and it's what helps me endure. I don’t see myself coping in any other way."

Aspiration: To Strengthen and Be Strengthened

In these days leading up to the Day of Judgment, Chaya notes that for her, every day is a day of judgment. "The judgment hovers before me all day, surfacing explicitly and tangibly every few months during tests that indicate my exact state," she explains. "Truthfully, I have a group of friends battling cancer, and they all get very anxious before such tests; I used to get anxious too, but recently, I feel a total reliance on Hashem and that I'm truly carried in His merciful hands. I also know the test results won’t really change things, and if I await a miracle, it can happen in various forms and ways, and if not this time, then perhaps next.  

"I'm practically functioning as everyone should, with a clear understanding that no one knows what tomorrow will bring, and yet, I believe with complete faith that Hashem performs miracles, capable of making a miracle happen at any time and in any situation. Sometimes, the thought crosses my mind that waking up every day in a good mood is a kind of miracle, as it's completely not a given. This kind of gratitude comes from a deep place because I know Hashem constantly embraces me and is the only one who knows what my soul needs to fulfill its mission in the world. I don't know what the next chapter of my life holds or how it will appear, but I know things will be good, that I have strength, faith, and most importantly—joy. I keep telling my daughters that I can't promise to heal, but I can promise I'll continue to see the good and insist on witnessing it, because that's me and that’s my life aspiration, which grows stronger opposite the hourglass ever visible to me."

Tell me about your podcast "My Life Story" that you recently launched

"I shared with a friend that I have these in-depth conversations with myself and shared that I've reached realizations I want to leave for my daughters, so when they reach my age, they may listen and absorb the messages. My friend suggested recording a podcast, and after recording it, she asked my permission to share the insights and make it public. I agreed, and thank Hashem, I'm receiving positive feedback, and people tell me their awareness has shifted drastically after listening. This makes me very happy."

You mentioned your dream used to be traveling with your family. Can you share your current dream?

"Currently, my dream is to see my daughters get married. My eldest is eighteen, and the twins are fourteen. With Hashem's help, I wish myself that."

Please pray for the complete recovery of Chaya Bracha Tzirliah, daughter of Rasya, among all the other ill of Israel