"The Cries 'Father, Don't Leave Me' Still Echo in My Ears": Rabbi Moskowitz Shares the Trauma Left by the Meron Disaster

Rabbi Menachem Mendel Moskowitz, one of the most seriously injured in the Meron disaster, does not hesitate when asked how he experienced his chilling rescue. Despite the severe post-trauma he suffers since, he turns our question to the subject of gratitude to Hashem: "Following the events, very strong insights arose in me about life in general, and about the immense gratitude one must have toward Hashem for the mere fact that we are alive. I asked myself the day after: Do I thank for everything I have? For every gift I have? Do I understand the good that exists merely because I live?", he expresses with passion.

Two years after the horrific disaster at Meron, Rabbi Moskowitz, serving as the leader of the 'Azmera' community in Safed, still bears many scars. But above all, he was granted a great miracle when saved from death, after he was already placed among the bodies of 45 holy souls of Meron.

In a special interview with 'Hidabroot', he says: "Life is dynamic. The routine of life causes the great miracle to be slightly forgotten due to the worries of the time, but I try with effort to train myself to remember every moment and moment that no evil descends from above and that 'whatever Hashem does, He does for good'. To thank, thank, and thank again".

A Psalm of Thanks Amidst Turmoil

Rabbi Moskowitz will not come to Meron on Lag B'Omer 2023. Even last year, he avoided making the relatively short journey from his home in Safed to the tomb of Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai. "I am very sorry about this, but since the disaster, I avoid mass events, or anything else that reminds me of the disaster. Surely, I do not see myself coming to Meron on Lag B'Omer", he explains his avoidance of the celebration he used to attend in previous years.

In the last year he arrived in Meron, 2021, the disaster happened which he will carry with him all his life. "Initially I planned to reach Meron for the lighting by the Boyaner Rebbe, but divine providence led me to the lighting by the Toldos Aharon Rebbe", he recalls.

Upon arriving in Meron, shortly before the start of the Toldos Aharon lighting, he was pressed among the crowd. "In fact", he says, "I planned to keep a good place on the side, to avoid the known crowding in Meron, especially during the lighting events. I stood there with my 13-year-old son (at that time), we took out our Tehillim books and tried to make the most out of the great day".

The uplifting lighting by Toldos Aharon was nearing its conclusion as the masses began exiting, along with the father and son. "While we were exiting, cries of horror began: 'People are falling', 'Go backwards'. But of course, we couldn't move, not to the right nor to the left, certainly not backward. All that was left for us was to go with the flow of the crowd. No more than thirty seconds of such 'flowing', and I witness before my eyes a horrific sight: a pile of people on the ground, as screams of horror echo around. I couldn't believe that in another moment, I would look like them, but within a few seconds, I fell, with my son's hand in mine. Quickly enough our hands slipped from each other, and I heard him shouting 'Father, don't leave me'. I shouted to the people around, 'If not me, save my son'. I didn’t even finish those words when another pile of people fell on me. I couldn't see anything anymore, but I heard the cries: 'Father, Father, save me'. After a few seconds, I began to understand that naturally, there was no way to save us, and I was about to end my life here.

"In those moments, my attention was diverted to another voice – a boy lying next to me saying: 'Father, thank you'. I couldn't see who he was, but I asked him what he meant, and he didn't answer me, just responded weakly: 'Let's say the Psalm of Thanks'. We started reciting the verses of the chapter together. We finished the chapter, and a deathly silence fell around. The boy said again: 'Father, thank you, I feel someone is stepping on my nose'. And we recited the Psalm of Thanks again.

"Then came the chilling moment, when the boy turned to me and said: 'I feel my end is near, let's recite the Shema prayer together'. And I was horrified. Mainly because of the understanding that in a few moments, I would be in the same situation. We began to say 'Shema Yisrael'. We finished reciting the Shema, and his soul departed from him with it".

Who was the boy?

"It was one of the holy sons of the Elhadad family. After the Shiva period, I went up to the Elhadad family, sat with them, and told them about those difficult moments, about the recitation of 'Psalm of Thanks' which strengthened me in those final moments and the chilling recitation of Shema I said with their son. I also told them that their son ascended to heaven with the words of 'Psalm of Thanks' on his lips, without any questions to the Creator and no complaints, as he repeated over and over 'for Hashem is good, His loving-kindness endures forever'".

Let's revisit those difficult moments. What happens when the rescue forces arrive?

"At a certain point, I felt something was starting to change in the surroundings. The medics evacuated me and began resuscitating me. Meanwhile, I heard the rescue forces saying 'he's finished, there's nothing to do with him, put him aside'. I heard that sentence and said to myself inside: Master of the universe, if only I had a way to signal them that I'm alive, to call them not to give up on me. But I had no strength to speak, and they put me aside, and I understood that I was placed among the holy souls that had already risen to Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai's abode".

Hashem sent personal salvation to Rabbi Moskowitz. "At those very moments, a paramedic who knew me passed by and said to those present, 'I must work on this guy lying here. I'm not willing to give up on him'. He began resuscitating me. According to testimony he later told me, he worked on me for 25 minutes and succeeded in stabilizing my pulse. When the rescue forces saw my pulse returned, they put me on a stretcher and took me from there".

The miracles did not end there. During the journey to Ziv Hospital, Rabbi Moskowitz had to deal with an empty oxygen tank. "Unfortunately", he recalls, "the mask, which was no longer needed, further obstructed my breathing. The turning point came from an unexpected direction. After a few minutes of travel, in his hurry, the ambulance driver mounted the sidewalk, and the quick movement led to the mask falling off my face".

What are the feelings you have during the Lag B'Omer period since?

"These are mixed emotions", he admits. "I remind myself that everything I have is purely a gift from the Creator; the good things and the less pleasant things. Despite what I have gone through since", he continues with feeling, "I try that just as I constantly thank for the good things, so also for the less pleasant things I say to Hashem: Father thank you, thank you for the hardships you give me. It only shows me that you trust me that I will pass through this and not complain against you, that I will accept it in simple faith, in innocence and tranquility that whatever Hashem does, all is good and for the good".

The Nights Have Become a Battlefield

Even two years after the disaster, Rabbi Moskowitz lives through the events of Meron. "Following those events, very strong insights into life arose in me", he notes. "For example, I learned from my son's cries 'Father, don't leave me', that children seek their fathers. They crave attention, recognition, a hug, and attention, screaming in their language even not during catastrophic events: 'Father, don't leave me, give me a hand, pay attention to me, I'm here, I exist'. In my eyes, this is a message for every parent. Please, look at them with merciful eyes, penetrate deep into their hearts, and give them a comforting hug. 'I am here with you, my dear and beloved son', tell them with fatherly love".

What remains with you from the disaster?

"I have to deal with not simple experiences", he refers to the post-trauma that has accompanied him since. "Anything that reminds me of the disaster brings me back to those difficult moments, be it a smell similar to the one there, sights reminding me of Meron, or tightness – any such thing brings me back to those moments. Believe me, it is difficult, unbearable, the fear I experience at that time is paralyzing. In addition, I can experience since then tremors, shortness of breath, alongside other severe symptoms, some of which manifest particularly at night. In a sense, my nights have turned into a bloody battlefield: the difficulty falling asleep, the nightmares that attack me at night are very hard.

"Of course, there are more pleasant moments and less pleasant ones. The sight of my son crying out 'Father, don't leave me', it's a cry that doesn't leave me even for a moment. The recitation of 'Shema Yisrael' with the holy boy who lay next to me and then finished his life – that too left a mark. Perhaps, thank God it doesn't leave me because it gives me perspective for daily life; it teaches me that one cannot at all complain to Hashem, I must say thank you that I am alive!".

And have there been any physical pains left?

"Yes. My spine took harsh and terrible blows, and I suffer from excruciating pains. The pains accompany me in lying down, rising, and moving. Also, my kidneys have not yet returned to normal".

"All that remains for me is to ask more forcefully from Hashem, please heal my body and soul, heal the entire people of Israel, may we no longer know pain and sorrow, that we believe there is a leader to the ship and none but him, who does, did, and will do all deeds. I want to believe, long to believe, endless longing for faith", says the rabbi.

On this occasion, Rabbi Moskowitz wants to use the 'Hidabroot' platform to call on the public dealing with post-trauma events as a result of the events in Meron, to come for treatment. "I appeal with heartfelt compassion and love to my dear and beloved brothers and friends. The Meron disaster left a bleeding battlefield no one pays attention to: there are hundreds, maybe even thousands, coping with difficult and horrific experiences. Please, out of compassion – do not neglect and do not ignore the warning lights that come on, please approach for help, consultation. The Haredi public is blessed with many certified and recognized centers offering first aid for such distress, it’s easiest to ignore and imagine to ourselves in our heads that we are strong, powerful, and nothing moves us, but know, this is the greatest lie there is, the trauma is present, and if not treated now – it may erupt like a monstrous volcano at the most unexpected times. It is written "and take exceeding care of your souls" – about your soul. And also, keep an eye open, look around to see if there is a friend, acquaintance, neighbor, a family member who suffers from this. Don’t play games with the soul", he warns.

Rabbi Moskowitz himself, a source of faith, strengthens himself and others repeatedly. "This is my battle right now in this world", he refers to the pains of the soul and body together. "I firmly believe that there is a creator to the world, and if he wants me to experience difficult emotions, there's no way I can escape from it. My spiritual work is what I do with these difficult emotions, how I cope with it, how I process it. Do I, God forbid, take it to a place of victimhood or self-pity, or do I go out to the nearby forest and cry out my soul to the creator: 'Father, it's hard for me, I'm suffering, I'm sad, I'm in deep sorrow, Tayter Tat (dear Father), only you can get me out of this, please relieve me of this heavy burden, without Your strength and help there is no salvation'.

In reality, how do you overcome these challenges?

"What I emphasize in my mind is that only the dead don't feel pain, and if I'm in pain it means I'm alive, and if I'm alive I say thank you to the Creator. And yes, I thank Hashem who trusts me that I will succeed in passing this journey. It's not easy, and it's not fun being in this place, but the name of the game is when a painful moment arises, a tormented moment – I must understand whether I take it to a place of anger, of suffering, or do I take the pain and fear, the helplessness, and present it to the Creator of the World on a golden platter with entreaty and prayer: Dear Father, beloved Father, give me the strength to pass this trial. Please, open my eyes to believe you are a good father, that whatever I go through will turn from weakness to power, to a great connection with Hashem; to take it to a healthy and holy place, and not God forbid to the contrary, to a place of self-pity. Rabbi Nachman of Breslov calls it 'not to be dependent on creations', that is not to solicit love and compassion".

What do you take from all this as provisions for the road?

"We all experience difficulties and tests. Everyone has their journey, so instead of living our lives in suffering and questions of 'why is this happening to me', 'why do I deserve this', why and why – just change the record in our heads, constantly give thanks, and understand no one owes us anything, and if I achieved something, I must endlessly thank and praise. Another point is not to take anything for granted: for every smallest thing one must give thanks to the Creator".

In conclusion, what is your message following the incident?

"A person with faith – his life is far better".