The Freedom to Choose: The Truth About Opposite Tendencies and the Possibility of Change

"I grew up in a religious, Israeli home, and as a child, I didn't feel different," says Yitzhak (full name withheld). Things started to get complicated in middle school: "I got to middle school and started feeling that something about me was different. I didn't know exactly what, but I knew something was off. I saw that the boys were talking about girls, but I wasn't experiencing the same feelings they had. I realized at some point that something wasn't right, but I didn't know exactly what." Only in the following years did the penny drop. "I was seemingly like everyone else, but inside I felt different. During adolescence, I understood that I was dealing with attraction to men."

Yitzhak, now 25, shares: "I didn't think there was another way to change it, not because of my nuclear environment but because everything I saw in movies, articles, songs, and TV interviews all showed coming out of the closet in a positive light. I really wanted companionship even though I knew I was attracted to men, but I thought it was impossible. For years, I walked around feeling like something was missing in me, but there's nothing I can do, I can only live with a man."

The breakthrough happened when he started studying at a pre-army academy. "At the academy was the first time I realized I could fulfill the dream, to start a family with a wife and kids. It was still a distant dream, but there was a spark, and suddenly I felt invincible, like nothing could stop me. I saw my friends training for special forces and thought I wanted it too, even though I was sure there was no chance, and I'd probably end up as a cook or something."

In his distress, Yitzhak shared his struggle with the rabbi at the academy: "In the second year, I understood that I couldn’t keep it inside. People outside thought everything was perfect with me, but it wasn't true; inside there was a storm. I came to the rabbi trembling and scared and opened up about what was on my heart. I don't remember everything, but I remember he hugged me and said he envied my trial and the mental strength I had." The rabbi connected Yitzhak with a therapist who specializes in treatments regarding intra-gender attraction, and Yitzhak began regular sessions with this therapist. "Slowly, I understood there was a chance. I had the freedom to achieve myself."

"I started training, went through selection for classified units, and was accepted into the commando brigade. In the brigade, I wanted to prove to myself and to those around me that I could be the best, and I was a team spearhead with the Negev. During the service, I also understood there are others who struggle, and I'm not alone, and I really can live life according to the choices my soul desires, not according to what the world and culture dictate to me."

"I've been in therapy for three and a half years," he shares, "and I've already been in four relationships, fell in love with girls, realized I can be fully attracted if I choose it's possible, it's not beyond reach. Until two months ago, I was in a relationship of about four months, and we almost got engaged, but it didn't work out for other reasons."

Therapists in the Closet

Yitzhak's story is one of many that led Rabbi Dror Aryeh to establish the Choice Fund to support financially those in need of therapeutic answers due to intra-gender attraction. According to him, the fund was established following an attempt to pass a law stating that any psychological treatment addressing sexual orientation, even if initiated freely by an individual, is considered forbidden conversion therapy."

"The law fell, but the consciousness seeped in," he says. "It created a buzz suggesting all treatments are conversion therapies. Furthermore, the current Health Minister Horowitz issued a directive forbidding such psychological treatments, and those involved can face license revocation. Their rationale is to fix it as an innate, normal, and healthy trait, to stifle moral protest and to sow despair among youth from the possibility of change."

"We at the Choice Fund say: Don’t take anyone’s freedom to choose away. Dozens of youths approached us, who, beyond the barrier of shame and concealment, when deciding to seek treatment, face an economic barrier, as each session with a clinical therapist costs hundreds of shekels. The fund actually subsidizes the first ten treatments."

The payment is transferred directly to the therapist by the fund. All therapists undergo a basic selection process to ensure they are certified therapists."

(Photo: shutterstock)

Is ten treatments enough?

"There are those who don't need ten, as it turns out it's something light, sometimes a result of exposure to immodest content, bad relations with parents, and the like. Sometimes it turns out these are people who just wanted reassurance that everything is normal and okay with them. We know that in adolescence, there are fluctuations, and they need someone to talk to to share."

"In complex situations, more complex treatment is required, and we try to stand them on their feet financially through their parents or another means to help finance it, referring, among other things, to righteous therapists who offer discounts, some even providing a few therapies voluntarily."

In the new reality of the director-general's directive, aren't the therapists afraid?

"Therapists explicitly tell us: we are therapists in the closet. These are people doing holy work. It’s sometimes a moment before a young man despairs and falls ripe into the hands of these organizations or stands before worse things, like suicide. That's why you can't go home, like a doctor who won't stop in the middle of surgery, these are lifesaving treatments."

"If Such a Person Comes to Therapy, It Means They're Not Well"

Yonatan Bernaski, a clinical social worker and psychotherapist, treats in his clinic various fields and assists patients in coping with intra-gender sexual attraction. Bernaski argues that given the existing need, there is a lack of certified therapists with specific understanding in the field. "There are more inquiries than we have responses. There are different statistics, and no decisive research on how many are actually dealing with intra-gender attraction. Some say three percent, others ten, much depends on how attraction is defined. But on the ground, I see there are a lot of inquiries. I am one of the founders of the Hosen organization, which set up a helpline for this topic, and there are many calls for help."

Bernaski explains that the range of participants is broad: "There are those for whom things are very evident, unambiguous strong attraction to men with no attraction to women. There are participants who came with attraction that wasn't realized, and some who did. In any case, if such a person comes to therapy, it means they're not well. That it's against their values and worldview, or even their internal feeling about themselves. Some in this group feel at times that it's an act almost against their will."

"On the other hand, there are people who have attraction and also feel it suits them, but they are observant and try to see how to resolve their distress. These are two different struggles. With the second type, the treatment is usually more complex."

Regarding the second type, there's a claim it involves intervention in the person's natural orientation.

"In the claim of the LGBTQ organizations, there's a lot of hypocrisy. A person approaches with what they identify as a problem and asks for a solution. They say every person should be allowed to realize their identity. I say: Right! If a person says: This is my identity, and for my reasons—he's the only one who can say it—I don't want to be like this, I want to be attracted to women, why should I prevent them? Behind this phenomenon stand political and cultural considerations, harming a person's right to choose how they want to live their life."

"Is it possible? There's no debate; it happens so many times. I don't need studies; I've seen dozens of cases of all shades and types on all ranges of attraction. There’s movement, there are possibilities for change."

Regarding the chances of success, Bernaski divides into two types of people: "I've seen cases where there was attraction to women hidden behind trauma or something else in the unconscious. Bringing it to the conscious, discovering there's attraction, and just needed to remove the barrier. I liken it to a stream that had a blockage. Removed it, and everything flows."

"There are more complex cases that should be likened to digging a well. I don't say it will always succeed or that everyone can, there are cases where it is very complex, and I make sure to tell every patient at the beginning that it's difficult, deep, and there's no guarantee of success. But again, if someone comes of their free will and wants to try to change an existing state that is causing them harm, who am I to say no? The mentioned approach, where someone else decides for the caller what's good for them and what's not, is a condescending and patronizing approach."

"It places conflicts before an observant therapist in every field. If someone approaches me and asks to start therapy so that I can help them leave religion, I'll tell them maybe I'm not the address and redirect them to other good therapists. But if, during the treatment, this desire arises, I will never tell them: If you're not observant, I'm not with you. And so with any other topic, including attraction."

"In general, often on the issue of sexual attraction to men, we identify there's a feeling of low self-worth in the patient, a feeling they can't receive unconditional love. Therefore, it’s even more important that I, as a therapist, accept them unconditionally and give them the feeling they owe me nothing to receive the best support I can offer."

What do you actually do in the therapy room? How do you make a person love what they don't love?

"It really depends on the therapeutic method. I work in a dynamic method, a dynamic approach that seeks the root and doesn't treat the symptom. There are other approaches that focus on the symptom, and treatment in these methods is usually shorter. The dynamic method says you must treat the root, and through that, symptoms will disappear. It's longer and comes at a cost because it’s not easy to delve into the depths of the soul."

"If a person comes because of a problem they are dealing with, we try to understand what it’s based on and what the problem is, attempt to identify patterns, bring things from the unconscious to the conscious, if there’s trauma in the past or perhaps lack in childhood and so on."

"It's a bit like archaeology: trying to dig and discover ancient layers to better understand the present. Again, I don't dictate what the problem is, the patient said it's a problem for them, and I don't decide for them. Like emotional eating that leads to overweight: if a person sees it as a problem, we'll help them. If they don't see it as a problem, I won't treat them. I'll help those who come asking for help."

"The claim that one can't define opposite sexual attraction as a problem at all is an immoral statement in my opinion because it is an external and patronizing decision for a person about what is good for them and what is not. It is great hypocrisy. We respect each person and allow them to decide what is good for them or not. I respect a person's right to choose, and as a therapist, it's not my role to give or not give approval for what they choose."

Despite this, they managed to create a negative image for these treatments.

"You need to understand, I don't do the work for the patient; they do it. I just help them expand their scope of choice. If a person has a certain pattern, for example, if they had a negative experience with women and experience them as threatening, if we understand and then change this thinking pattern, it's very likely that once this fear is released, they'll have more choice, and they might suddenly discover they have attraction."

"I didn't press a button or do a behavioral exercise, I don't believe in such methods in other topics either, like quitting smoking. There are methods like pain bracelets and the like to quit. In the field of attraction, there were therapists who took behavioral, sometimes aggressive measures, originated in the United States, and called them conversion therapies, and now this label is worn on every therapy in the field."

If I Can, I Will Succeed

And back to Yitzhak. Yitzhak currently testifies about himself that after the process he underwent, he is attracted to girls, only his attraction to boys still exists. He calls on all those struggling to strive and not give up easily. "Slowly, I understood there's a chance and I have an option, I have freedom to fulfill myself, my internal self. I believe everyone can set goals for themselves, implement and achieve them, because nothing stands in the way of will. Let no one let the internet, music, and movies influence their choices." Yitzhak agrees it's a long-term matter requiring a lot of patience, otherwise, it doesn't work."

"It's a matter of controlling thoughts and actions, very hard work, a constant battle of conquering new targets. Many times you need to prove you're better because inside you feel others are more manly than you, until you understand you can be good because you simply are good."

How is your relationship with Hashem during this whole period?

"Faith holds me. The dialogue with Hashem is daily. It manifests among others in writing. I have a lot of grievance and anger, but I believe no trial is given to a person that they can't withstand. If Hashem saw fit to place me in this trial, it means I am capable, and if I am capable, I will succeed, and I will overcome and get past every obstacle."

"This path was written only for me and no one else. It was written above that someone would come down with intra-gender attraction, and as such, they would have the strength to win, they just need to bring those strengths from potential to reality. I pray and say: Father, you gave me a trial, so give me the strength to cope with it. I want to build a family, I will make the effort, and you will give me the strength to win."

The Hosen organization's help line operates on Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays, from 20:00–23:00 at 02-3762100 or WhatsApp 054-4998333

Published in "Small World"