"I Chose to Disconnect from My Mother, I Didn't Want Her to Be Part of My Life"

What happens to a little girl who has to leave her home and grow up away from her parents? "No matter how much you try to describe it, you won't understand the immense pain," says Ortal Rachel Frenkel. She is now 33, married, and a mother, but when she recalls those years, the distress is evident in her voice.

Ortal's story begins at the age of three and a half. "My parents divorced, and due to the situation, it was decided to place me with a foster family. Eventually, my grandmother, my mother's mother, decided to raise me. Later, my mother remarried, and when I was four, there was an attempt through social services to return me to her, but it failed, and after about six months, I returned to live with my grandmother."

Ortal notes that she knew her mother and met her several times, but she never felt emotionally connected to her. What caused this feeling? Ortal speaks honestly and painfully: "As a child, I mainly remember the arguments between my grandmother and my mother. There was a lot of anger between them, and the more I heard it, the more I felt I wanted to be far from it all. At some point, I chose to completely disconnect, and even if my mother called and we spoke, it was without emotion. There were also times we didn't speak at all. Until the age of thirty, I was emotionally detached."

"The Teacher Warned She Would Send Me to an Institution"

Overall, Ortal Rachel remembers her childhood as good. "It was good at my grandmother's, but now, in hindsight, I realize different issues arose over the years that, if addressed in time, might not have led to problems later. For example, in fourth grade, there was a period at school where I was very violent, probably trying to express all the anger and pain I had absorbed. I remember the teacher called me and my grandmother for a meeting and warned that if I continued, she would send me to an institution for at-risk youth. Naturally, I was very scared and withdrew again. I had no way to express my anger, so I just held it inside, and it seeped deep.

"At some point, my grandmother intervened and spoke with the teachers, who indeed became more forgiving and patient. This allowed me to try and make a change and succeed in proving myself, but everything was done out of a desire to please. I had no internal drive to help me show I'm okay. There was only a great fear, mainly that someone would come and take me out of the house again."

The first time Ortal sought therapy was at the age of 18. Only then, with professional guidance, she tried to understand where everything came from, realizing there might be self-destruction within her that had gnawed for years. "Throughout my young life, I got used to canceling my feelings, afraid to seem sad or even to talk about what I felt, because whenever I spoke, I felt judged, not understood. They even told me, "You've been given so much; how can you say such things?" For the first time, approaching the age of 20, I started understanding something needed to change, and thus began my journey within."

"Don't Despair, There's Always a Chance"

Ortal Rachel seems very self-aware and also aware of the fact that parental alienation exists in not a few families, across all sectors and cultures.

"We often see it in situations where parents separate and sometimes start a new chapter in life, and the child from the previous marriage reminds them of the past they wanted to forget, which causes estrangement. But it can also happen in whole and stable homes, where parents feel one of the children is distancing from them for some reason. Sometimes it's related to the child's introverted nature, and sometimes it's the parent's character. A situation arises where parents seem to alienate that child, as if they don't care about them, and the feelings can be very hurtful.

"Children who experience such situations often behave aggressively," explains Ortal Rachel, "sometimes they even run away from home or act distrustfully towards their environment, especially towards adults. On the surface, they seem not to need anyone, but that's not true. They long for someone to look at them and love them, someone who will see their inner self and remind them of their strengths. Only this way they will learn to believe in themselves more."

And what do you suggest in these situations?

Here Ortal Rachel returns to her personal story: "In my case, the only thing that powered me to help myself was the greatest fear I had—that I might do to my children what was done to me. By the way, during those days working on myself, I also returned to religion, which completed the picture for me. It was the period in my life when I began to come to terms with the reality that was, understanding there was no point in being angry at my parents because what I experienced is part of the path the Creator chose for me, and it was necessary for me to undergo.

"Today, thank God, I have a good relationship with my mother. We meet at least twice a week, and I also have a connection with my siblings from my mother's second marriage. Yet, there is still a great complexity, and we all understand the topic is sensitive. We try to deal with it correctly, respect as much as possible, and know there's always room to aspire and advance."

Ortal Rachel advises anyone undergoing such situations to seek counseling and for parents dealing with parental alienation towards their child to understand what they are going through and seek appropriate advice. "Once parents undergo a process reconnecting them to their childhood experiences, they will better contain themselves, and as a result, their approach to their children will change," she claims. "A child will immediately feel their parents are treating them differently, and naturally, everyone will be more connected."

About herself, she says: "After I worked on myself, I understood how much human nature interests me, so I learned various therapeutic tools to help me understand my own psyche. This led me to pass these messages on to other women who went through similar experiences. Today, I have 30 emissaries, some from the Haredi sector, who have undergone a process with me and are spreading it further within their circles.

"Just recently, a woman contacted me, who was so broken. She said her only son was disconnecting from her and didn't even want to explain why. Even letters she wrote to him were met with no response. After we talked and I guided her on how to handle it, she went through a process in which she learned to focus on her own life and empower it while also trying to understand why her son was so angry. Two weeks ago, I spoke to her and asked how they were. In response, she showed me a photo of them sitting together on a joint trip, and she said he had started reaching out and getting closer. "It's not a process that happens in one day, but a lifelong work," clarifies Ortal Rachel, "but even in difficult cases, there is hope. Never give up on rebuilding connections," she concludes optimistically.