"Every Day I Came Home Crying, It Was Really Torture for Me"

Almost two decades have passed since Ilana Adani was a young girl in tenth grade who loved to sing and knew that Hashem had given her a special voice that could take her far.

When Ilana talks about those days, it's clear from her voice that the emotions that overwhelmed her back then are still present today. "Even though I came from a traditional home and was educated in religious institutions, I decided to try and join a military band," she recounts. "This was completely against my parents' beliefs, and I wasn't able to share this with them. I also knew that singing in a mixed military band, especially in front of men, was completely forbidden, but the desire was stronger than me."

Ilana passed the auditions and even got accepted, but it seems the upbringing she received at home was too strong, and shortly after, she announced that she didn't intend to join the military, and the dream was shelved.

"I think it was simply an inner desire that stopped me," she explains today, with years of perspective. "I went to audition for the military band because it attracted me, but in my heart, I knew I couldn't do it wholeheartedly, I just wasn't capable. By the way, I think this feeling accompanies many young men and women who stray from the path. In their hearts, they can't deny the truth, and that's why they often return home at the end of the process."

The Sacrifice of a Lifetime

The days that followed the shattered dream were not easy. Ilana recounts that the rabbi of the high school she attended was aware of the great test she was experiencing, and he tried to show her that she could use her talent to perform only in front of women. "I really laughed at that," she recalls, "because in those days, the possibility of a women-only singing show wasn't recognized at all, there were no female singers in the Haredi public at all.

"Despite everything, the rabbi convinced me and even managed to find places where I could perform. So as a tenth grader, I started performing in front of women, but I constantly felt a sense of missed opportunity and lost potential. I felt like I had nowhere to advance or become famous. It wasn't what I aspired to."

Two years later, Ilana had already decided to completely shelve her dream of singing and began studying communications and film. "I felt that if not singing, then at least I'd work in fields related to it." 

Nevertheless, during that time, she continued to long for songs, and then she also wrote the song "Nishmati," in which she addresses her soul from the most sincere and painful place. She based the lyrics on Rabbi Kook's words in his book 'Orot HaTeshuvah'. "Rabbi Kook really talks in the book about the creation that burns like fire, and explains why a creator must do something with their creation. When I read these words, I connected with them deeply. I had never before seen such a reference in writings to the soul of a creator or artist.

"I felt exactly as Rabbi Kook describes - my creation is like a soul, and it burns within me. As long as I don't fulfill it, I can't enjoy my life. I believe these are not only my feelings but also those of many other artists who want to fulfill themselves, but something stops them."

"Hashem Brought Me Back"

In practice, Ilana engaged in various roles in the Knesset and different places in the media during those years, but not in singing. "It was clear to me that the subject of singing would remain distant from me; I didn't imagine returning to it, but Hashem planned otherwise," she says.

It happened when she was involved in the most musical radio station in the country, and then, while working behind the scenes, Ilana suddenly found herself exposed again to the world of music, reigniting her passion. "It was a very strange feeling," she describes. "My heart had already accepted that I wouldn't be a singer, but Hashem probably intended a different path for me. He wanted me to sing and brought me back against my will to the field."

So, did you return to singing?

"Yes, I returned to singing, but only at women's events and programs. It was a very difficult challenge because, at that time, I worked in radio with the top producers, and I received offers to participate in the biggest programs. The producers couldn't understand how I could refuse, how it was possible that I was offered such things and I said no."

During those days, she continued to work on the song 'Nishmati' when the guitarist Shira Bilig, also a religious woman and a high school graduate, gave it a special melody. "I dealt with the song out of deep frustration," she admits. "I saw successful and leading artists every day, and only I returned home full of frustration and a sense of missed opportunities. It was hard for me; it was really torture."

Do you think this is an experience that other Haredi female singers go through as well?

"Of course, I constantly hear about singers, especially those who have returned to Judaism and saw the opportunity to perform in front of large audiences and receive substantial funding. It's hard for all of them to cope with the fact that as Haredi women, doors are closed to them; it's a very big test." 

As someone from a religious upbringing, was it easier for you?

"Quite the opposite," Ilana replies honestly. "I always felt that when there's a singer from a secular home, everyone embraces and appreciates her, seeing it as a mission to bring her closer to Judaism. But I, who came from a religious upbringing, didn't receive the same embrace given to singers who return to faith, which was very hard for me. Even today, when I sometimes perform on stage, the audience expects me to share a story of returning to faith. I clarify to them that my life story isn't like that, but who says only those who return to faith face challenges?"

Ilana also notes with sadness that she meets quite a few artists who call themselves "Haredi," but in reality, they participate in programs far from being such. "May Hashem have mercy on them, and I hope they all return to faith, but it saddens me to see it because even in the Haredi community, people are no longer able to differentiate between singers who truly adhere to the law and those who perform in foreign places, causing great confusion."

A Musical Transformation

As someone who has accompanied the field of music for so many years, Ilana claims that in recent years she has seen a significant change regarding women's singing. "When I started in the field, there were no Haredi female singers, but today things have changed drastically. There are so many leading female singers in the Haredi community singing for women only. It's really exciting to see this transformation."

What do you think led to this transformation?

"First of all, I think it's the persistence of myself and other singers. We didn't give up on performing for women at any cost, and that finally won. Additionally, there's the demand and need from the public."

Ilana notes that being a Haredi female singer is still not easy. "Unfortunately, Haredi female singers are not compensated like singers in the general sector. There are no funds encouraging them, no scholarships or other offers available to other singers, and particularly a Haredi woman usually raises a blessed family and it's important to compensate her appropriately. This, in my opinion, is one of the reasons why it's important for the Haredi community to ensure that they invite only Haredi singers, understanding that if they don't empower them, it’s not certain they will continue to give up and endure the trial, because it's truly very challenging."

Nevertheless, Ilana notes that she sees the unique beauty in the religious world along the way. "Unlike the secular sector, where when you reach a certain age you’re no longer valued, in the religious sector there is an appreciation for older and experienced people. If you're not just a career person but also a mother, it is seen as an advantage, whereas in the secular world, there's no chance of advancing that way."

Connecting to the Soul

In recent years, Ilana has performed at a very wide variety of events – ranging from small, intimate home events to major events nationwide, in places like Binyanei HaUma, Caesarea, and the Cultural Hall, as well as internationally. "Throughout this time, the desire to release the song 'Nishmati,' which I loved so much, arose several times, but I felt it simply wasn’t fitting. After all, things have changed, and now I have a platform and an opportunity to share my talents with the public. And so, the song continued to be shelved."

Then came COVID-19 and it was a clear reminder of how relevant the song continues to be. "COVID-19 was an absolute blow to artists," she emphasizes. "They suddenly found themselves without the ability to perform and no way to express themselves. It wasn’t just dealing with lack of income, but also lack of self-expression. Suddenly, I felt how the song tickled me anew, and then it came out to the world."

Along with the song, Ilana also produced, in collaboration with Shira Bilig, a clip made up of four different artists – one a painter, the second a musician, the third a dancer, and the last a singer. "I tried to illustrate just how much of a challenge there is in female creation, in all its aspects – you will always need to concede and accept that there's something stopping you, but the idea is to learn to embrace it and connect to the soul specifically from a place of lack, because that is true completeness."

And what would you say to women experiencing exactly what you're describing?

"First of all, they should rejoice that the situation is completely different from what it once was. As I mentioned, there are opportunities for Haredi artists to develop in different directions, which is very blessed. On the other hand, a woman must also know to bow her head - to accept that by virtue of being a woman, she has a role in the world that is primarily a concession. Above all, Hashem demands that I manage the home and take care of the children and family because the Jewish home comes first. This is something that took me years to understand. You can do other things as well, of course, but it's important not to forget the main thing."

And to conclude, Ilana quotes the lyrics of the song:

Nishmati, listen to me, my soul
You are with me everywhere.
Only you will know, my precious one
Tell me, what's happening
With me in my soul
Tell me what’s happening with me

When will I see the flame
The creation of my soul
When will I see it burn
My soul, my creation

My soul, my creation, my precious one
You are the spark in my heart
The fire that burns within me
Always dwells inside me
Within me, in my soul
Until the end of my breath

When will I see the flame
The creation of my soul
When will I see it burn
My soul, my creation

When will I see it burning within me
My soul, my creation

To contact Ilana: Ilana@ilanaadany.co.il