Her Sister's Family Died in a Car Accident, but She Believes: "The Trials Are Only for Our Benefit"

About a decade ago, Briana Stern experienced the tragedy of her life. It was the day her sister - Rivka Bernstein of blessed memory, was killed along with her husband and all her children in an unimaginable disaster - a horrific train accident that shocked everyone who heard about it and left no one indifferent.

The tragedy occurred when the family was making their way from their home in Beitar Illit to the Komemiyut settlement, where they planned to spend Shabbat. The driver of the car they were traveling in broke through the train barrier, leading to the fatal accident. Ariyeh and Rivka, the parents, were killed on the spot, as were their children: Yochanan, Chana, Mordechai Aharon, as well as their married daughter - Malka Gutstein, 21-years-old and pregnant, and her infant son who was one and a half years old. Malka's husband was lightly injured and was the sole survivor of the accident.

Rivka and Ariyeh Bernstein z

"I'll never forget that terrible day," says Briana, shivering. "At that time I was busy with Shabbat preparations, and my husband who heard about the disaster decided to tell me gradually. At first, he only told me there had been an accident and my sister and her family were hurt. My sister lived on the street adjacent to mine, and it was clear to me that I was going to the hospital to be with her. I put the fish I prepared in the freezer and wanted to leave the house, but then I noticed my husband escaping to the balcony to talk on the phone. Finally, he came out of the balcony with a frozen expression and explained that instead of going to the hospital, we would get on a bus that would take me directly to my parents' home.

"Even then I began to feel that he was hiding something from me, but when we boarded the bus and met my husband's friend who had already heard about the accident, everything became clear to me. The friend asked him: 'Are you sure everyone...?' and then I understood the magnitude of the tragedy. From that moment," Briana adds, "I don't remember anything. I have a blackout of everything that happened, and the next moments I recall are at my parents' house, where I arrived and broke into pieces."

Briana pauses for a moment and takes a deep breath. Ten years have passed since, but the memories are still alive and bleeding. "I want to take this opportunity to mention something important," she requests, "Often, people come to comfort mourners, they sit opposite the mourning family, and just listen quietly, as if they came to hear a lecture or moral lesson. Afterwards, they leave and are moved: 'How they strengthened us...' They completely forget that their role during shiva is to come and strengthen the families, whereas the family members do not have to show their strength. They are allowed to hurt and cry, just as it is written about Avraham Avinu 'sat and mourned for her,' referring to Sarah Imenu. In moments of mourning, the mourners are allowed to grieve, and it's even necessary because if someone doesn't give themselves the chance to release emotions, they might explode later on."

Emerging from the Pain

Since the day of the accident, Briana felt she was struggling to return to life. "I'm not talking about the days that came immediately following the disaster when it's natural to feel heavy mourning, but for a long period afterward," she emphasizes. "Seemingly everything had passed, we got up from shiva and thirty days went by, life was supposed to return to routine, but it didn't return at all. I couldn't rise up, I couldn't return to myself. I felt broken, and the truth is I was quite frustrated with myself. Because seemingly I came to the tragedy with all the necessary tools to cope. It was after studying almost all possible courses for nearly fifteen years, and I specialized in countless methods and therapies. I learned healing and massage, psychotherapy, and various psychological treatments, bridal counseling, and what not? I also treated many women who went through complex situations.

"The problem was all these important contents sat in my brain, but practically they just didn't manifest. The disaster that occurred erased everything from me and placed me before my most genuine 'self.' Suddenly everything I tried to teach myself during life was no longer there. All I worked on myself returned straight to zero."

During those days, Briana also discovered she had diabetes. "Today it's known that diabetes doesn't develop only due to improper nutrition, but also because of mental reasons. For me, it was a significant factor since in those days, the thoughts running through my mind were very harsh."

There was also another reason why Briana had a hard time returning to life. "Ever since I can remember, I used to experience anger very often. Every response of mine passed through the filter of anger. I didn't even know how to interpret why I was angry, but anger followed me everywhere. When everything combined, I found myself sunk in deep depression. I had young children at home, but I couldn't take care of them, I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning, I was drained of energy."

Malka Gutstein's wedding

What finally helped you emerge from this depressive cycle?

"Let's start with the fact that the longing remains, but I experience it today from a more faith-based perspective. I understand I'm going through a trial, but it wasn't sent to me by chance. It's Hashem Himself who wants me to draw closer to Him.

"Following the severe tragedy I experienced, I suddenly comprehended the most basic thing – Hashem doesn't send us trials to break us down. He doesn't want that, rather He wants us to learn from this trial and grow stronger. True, during the trial we feel grounded, but sometimes when we're laid low, we can notice the diamonds present right there. I also learned to separate – true, I don't understand why Hashem did this terrible disaster to us, but just because I don't understand it doesn't mean I don't agree, because the ways of Hashem are hidden.

"In practice, during those days, I underwent a comprehensive psychological treatment, which I paid quite a bit for, but it freed me from the black cycle. Simultaneously, I wrote almost endlessly, filling dozens of notebooks, at first writing for myself and later beginning to write to Hashem. I poured onto the page everything I had to say, wrote prayers and requests, pleading for help to get out of the mess, and He helped.

"It wasn't something that happened all at once; it was a whole process in which I returned to life and discovered something amazing – suddenly I became a much more serene, calm, and mainly – faithful woman. Suddenly, the anger that had accompanied me since I can remember was no longer there. Something in my perspective changed and made me much calmer because I learned to understand not everything that happens in the world will happen precisely according to what I want. When things don't work out perfectly, I don't need to feel disappointment because I'm not the one running the world. I also realized that when you react to trials with pain – banging on the table and insisting things should be like this and not otherwise, it's a kind of heresy, as if we don't believe that everything Hashem does is only for the good, and we refuse to surrender to Him. The more I internalized these things, the more I felt I was emerging from the swamp I had sunk into. Reality also proves that after I treated myself mentally, my diabetes healed as well, and today, thank God, I am without medication." 

The Light of Mashiach

These days, Briana resides in Manchester. "Life led me to live here, far from my seven children living in the land," she notes, "At first it was hard for me, I found myself having to forgo yet another wedding and another joy in the land until, finally, I began to understand there's a divine plan written just for me, and there's no point in complaining.

"In one of the courses I participated in, I once heard a story about a man driving in a car who was stopped by a policeman who accused him: 'You ran a red light!' Two minutes later, he was stopped again by a policeman and got another ticket, and after another minute, yet another ticket. At some point, he got angry, and asked the policeman: 'Why do you keep stopping me?' The policeman replied: 'My friend, you're drunk, you didn’t notice, but you kept going around the same traffic light, and whoever drives in red gets fined.' This is also an allegory for life – often it happens that we search for a way to escape, but only get entangled and revolve around ourselves, and that's exactly what I experienced."

Briana currently works in personal coaching, a profession she practiced even before the accident, but it gained momentum after she treated herself. "Today I speak with women facing challenges, and feel I can encourage them from the closest place possible because I've experienced all the feelings they have."

What mainly strengthens the women you accompany?

"Of course, there's a big difference between woman to woman because each comes to coaching for a different reason, and each has the reinforcements she needs. But there's a small parable I tend to share with everyone. I ask them: 'Do you think there's a mother who expects her small child to lift a bag weighing ten or twenty kilograms?' They all answer no because it's clear the child cannot carry such weight, and it’s clear to them a mother who sees her child can't manage – won't make him carry it. The same is true of us – the Master of the Universe gives us trials, but they are never more burdensome than we can bear. Even more so – all the trials are only for our benefit – everything sent from the heavens is good, though we don’t always see it."

Briana stops for a moment and gives an example: "We all recently experienced the Meron disaster. There is no one who wasn't shocked by it, but there are those who, instead of understanding there’s a message Hashem is sending, chose to blame everyone around – the police who blocked the entrance, the government for not overseeing events, etc. Then came the shocking disaster in Karlin, and here too, instead of understanding Hashem is signaling us something – there are those who chose to talk about the shaky bleachers and lack of caution. It's not that I’m saying investigations shouldn't happen, but let’s leave the job to those responsible for it. We, the simple people, need to understand Hashem is calling us, it’s transparent, and those who don’t pass the test in the first round will have to go for the second. Why look for tests? Let’s prove to Hashem we're drawing closer to Him now."

Briana also has an optimistic message: "It's clear to us all that redemption is already here, even the great rabbis speak of how the Mashiach is at the doorstep. But we need to prepare for the great light that’s about to come because we won't be able to withstand it while we remain in darkness. So Hashem gives us another trial and another, to awaken us and illuminate our path. If we think about everything being from Hashem and the only thing He wants from us, even in trials and challenges, is to prepare us for the great light of Mashiach – it would certainly be easier for all of us."

To contact Briana: bbss7913@gmail.com