Why Do I Need to Change? My Wife Should Accept Me as I Am

My wife wants me to change some of my habits and behaviors, claiming that it bothers her and she cannot continue with me like this. My question is: Why should I change myself for her? Maybe she should change herself and her thinking, and accept me as I am?

In any significant change within a marriage, there is a need to give up old habits in favor of new patterns. One of the basic principles of change is that change will never occur if the problem isn't mine, since we don't make changes just because our lifestyle causes an issue for someone else.

Many parents and educators make a basic educational mistake in thinking they can change their children solely because their behavior is problematic to the authority figure. If a child isn't arriving on time for morning prayers in class, a teacher would be mistaken to think that punishment will educate them about prayer. Although the child may arrive on time due to fear of punishment, their fundamental attitude towards prayer hasn't undergone deep, internal change.

In order for internal change to happen in the child, we need to engage them in understanding the problem as one that impacts their own interests.

On a basic level, people are connected to their interests. Even marriage starts from two people who love themselves and seek a partner who can fulfill their needs. If we don't feel the change benefits us and that the problem is ours, we might agree to superficial changes that temporarily satisfy the partner, but surely won't commit to a true internal change process. We will come up with excuses, arguments, and objections that act as barriers to change, whose primary role is defense mechanisms.

That's why some claim the strongest motivation for change is a crisis, distress, or indication of failure because it is a significant personal interest. There are situations where the desire for change stems from identifying opportunities for growth and enrichment, and not as a result of a crisis. In many cases, the parental or spousal model that the therapist themselves was exposed to motivates them to change their relationship with their own family, in order to achieve better communication.

In any case, to make a change, something needs to occur that brings a person to realize that the change is in their personal interest and not just someone else's. Some people start couples therapy under external pressure, sometimes from a partner who issues an ultimatum, or possibly following a rabbinical or institutional authority forcing a process for various reasons.

In these cases, the coerced partner may employ psychological defense mechanisms such as denial and repression of the problems, and the therapeutic challenge at this stage will be to bring them to awareness and internalization that resolving marriage issues are, first and foremost, in their own interest.

As long as the issues remain the concern of only one person, even if there's a desire for change from their partner regarding the issues, such a change will be superficial and temporary. True, deep change happens only when the problem is shared by both.

Rabbi Daniel Pinchasov is a marriage counselor expert and psychotherapist, working in the Channeling Department (Peace at Home, Children's Education, Peace of Mind).

The Channeling Department offers therapists nationwide. Counseling is available via ZOOM. The counseling involves a fee.

This is important to me, I want to consult! Call 073-3333-101, or contact via email chayas@htv.co.il