How to Cope With a Degenerative Incurable Illness? Rebbetzin Leah Sherman Shares

It started suddenly. In the middle of life. Rebbetzin Leah Sherman, an active woman, a mother of a blessed family - some still very young, the wife of a scholar who would become the famous judge Rabbi Avraham Sherman, an esteemed educator and sought-after teacher, realized one gloomy day that her life would follow a unique path. They would follow - also in the literal sense: a severe degenerative disease was discovered in her body, and it was clear that the question was not if, but until when the body would carry itself, and the spirit would be the only guide.

Until quite recently, Rebbetzin Sherman was teaching two classes at the Petah Tikva Seminary, and simultaneously offering parenting guidance courses. She arrives at her teaching class with an ambulance and a close Filipino caregiver. There is a student who turns the pages in her book, and another student holds her cup when she drinks water. Teacher Sherman is paralyzed from the neck down.

In a unique conversation she gave to the "For Mothers" line, together with her guiding daughter Shulamit Shachor, Rebbetzin Sherman spoke about the great power of thanking Hashem for the good and what seems difficult and harsh in our eyes, and coping in every situation.

"When we say 'thank you' we acknowledge that we deserve nothing, that everything is a free gift," Rebbetzin Sherman begins her words. "In the blessing 'Sim Shalom' in the Amidah we say: 'For with the light of Your face, You have given us, Hashem our God, the Torah of life and the love of kindness.' The interpretation of 'love of kindness' is 'unconditional love.' You love us with unconditional love. Hashem showers us with this love, we thank Him and thus remind ourselves of two things: A: there is a leader to the universe, and B: everything is a free gift."

"I was privileged to be the aunt of the kabbalist Rabbi Dov Kook of Tiberias, and he once told us to focus greatly in the blessing on the words 'King of the world.' Why? Because 'world' is from the root of concealment. Hashem's governance is hidden from our eyes. When we say with great intent 'King of the world,' we connect to the idea that there is a king governing the world. There is no chaos, no incomprehensible things, no random occurrences. So, the concealment of the world vanishes – because there is a king to the world. Everything is arranged and governed. When we express gratitude, we affirm His dominion in the world, that everything is a free gift. We deserve nothing. Thank you, Hashem, for giving us this kindness. We deserve nothing. It's all a free gift. And we also reinforce the fact that there is a leader to the universe, there is no concealment. This creates a very great closeness, and a huge contribution to the world in our gratitude, we restore to the Creator His kingship in the world."

How to give thanks for bad things?

"How can we thank for what isn't good?" Rebbetzin Sherman asks, quickly adding that "everything is good. It's just hard for us to see it."

Her daughter, the guide Shulamit Shachor, quotes the words of the Ramchal: "Why should the troubles and pressures be barriers to love?", one of the difficulties in facing challenges is the feeling of distance. The Ramchal provides two answers. "One is suitable for every soul, and one for people of level." "The answer suitable for every soul is the knowledge that everything is truly good, all that Hashem does is ultimately good. The answer suited only for those of spiritual level is when a person doesn't think of themselves but of Hashem, the difficulty becomes an opportunity to show Hashem the extent of their love."

Rebbetzin Sherman continues and shares an awe-inspiring firsthand story about how the Chazon Ish explained the events of the horrifying Holocaust. "Rebbetzin Chana Rivka Greineman of blessed memory was a woman of great faith, wisdom, understanding, closeness to Hashem, and kindness. She was indescribable. I had the honor of talking to her for hours, drawing immense strength from her. She told me that as a young woman, the Holocaust had ended. There wasn't much information about it then, but she read about what happened, and it drove her crazy. She came to her husband with hard questions: How can something so terrible happen? It tormented her," Rebbetzin Sherman recounts.

(Photo: shutterstock)

"Her husband, Reb Shmaryahu Greineman of blessed memory suggested she visit his uncle, the Chazon Ish. She told me about her meeting with him, firsthand. "I went to the Chazon Ish. I laid my head on the table and cried, cried, cried. The Chazon Ish said nothing. He allowed me to cry as much as I needed. The Chazon Ish's time was precious and calculated, yet he didn't stop his niece from crying. "After finishing crying, I started asking and asking and asking: How can this be? How did Hashem let such terrible things happen? The Chazon Ish let her ask everything, without interruption. And when she finished, he told her: "Hashem is the ultimate kindness and ultimate mercy." Then, raising his voice, a rare occurrence, he said to her in Yiddish: "Un dos iz chesed, un dos iz rachamim – And this is kindness, and this is mercy." And that concluded the conversation.

"From this story, I gained immense strength. Hashem is the ultimate kindness and ultimate mercy. And this is kindness and this is mercy," says Rebbetzin Sherman with admiration, adding that "years later, Reb Zekharia, the son of Rebbetzin Chana Rivka of blessed memory, passed away in the United States at the young age of only 27 after a serious illness. When she traveled to the airport to receive the coffin with her son's body, all the way she told herself, 'This is kindness and this is mercy from the Creator of the world.' This is a very powerful and strengthening story.

How to Cope?

Rebbetzin shares her personal struggle with the degenerative disease: "On the face of it, it seems like the struggle comes to me easily, and it really doesn’t," she says honestly. "It's a lot of struggle, a lot of ups, a lot of downs, a lot of attempts not to distance from Hashem, but the opposite. How this struggle and difficulty can become a springboard for divine closeness.

"To say thank you for something good - it's clear – I deserve nothing. Thank you, Hashem, for giving me a gift. Thank you. But to say thank you for something that is hard and bad for me, and not good for me – that's very, very complicated.

"But I've discovered something wonderful in this. When I say thank you for something difficult for me – then to whom are you actually saying thanks? To the Creator of the world who gave you this. So, the Creator of the world gave you this, and He is the strongest of the strong and the most capable of the capable, and He is full of loving-kindness. If you say 'thank you,' you're internalizing that I'm receiving from a merciful and kind father, that I am His precious daughter, that everything is given with love and mercy, precisely because He has mercy on us and so loves us. It seems not good – but it's precisely what we need for the purpose for which we came to this world. And thus, you turn the suffering and afflictions – to the right direction. Love towards Heaven, and divine closeness that becomes a pleasant experience. I hope that no one experiences a pleasant experience from suffering and afflictions, but that's exactly how it is.

"When you hear about great people dealing with difficult trials, and it seems that to cope is to easily leap over challenges – it’s a very big mistake. One of the students told me it seems that nothing is hard for me. ‘The teacher is always smiling and always cheerful,’ she said. I understood her mistake and told her: 'Tell me, who said I always smile?' Sometimes I don't smile. 'The teacher is sometimes sad?', 'Yes'. 'The teacher sometimes cries?' 'Yes', I replied. Then an electrifying silence came over the whole group, and I asked her: 'Continue talking about coping?' And she replied: 'No. I understood everything'.

"Here lies the mistake," exclaims Rebbetzin Sherman. "She goes home, and she has a struggle. And she is sad and maybe cries. And then she tells herself: 'How can you be ashamed, look at teacher Sherman how she copes and she is always happy. Who told you I'm always happy? Who told you I'm always smiling?

"This is the answer, suitable for each of us. When you are facing a struggle and it's hard for you – it doesn't mean you're not coping. Part of coping is also to be down. 'Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for you are with me'.

"But it is a valley of shadow, and each has their own valley of shadow, and walking there is hard, climbing – and slipping down – and climbing – and slipping down, and progressing centimeter by centimeter, but it's while slipping down. That's called coping.

"Many of us err and think coping is always being up and always okay. No. It's allowed and possible to fall. Hashem accepts this motion with love. And this is what the Ramchal says. And remember that the Creator of the world – everything comes from Him, and He gives it with such love and such mercy, and it creates a very, very great sense of closeness. But again – ups and downs, do not fear them. A righteous one falls seven times and rises.

"Rabbi Yitzchak Hutner in his famous letter writes: Fools think that despite the seven falls, he is still righteous. And the wise know this is the way of rising – through seven falls. For every rise there are seven falls. This the wise know. So says Rabbi Yitzchak Hutner in 'Letters and Writings.'

Towards the end, Rebbetzin Sherman shares a personal story that moved her greatly: "After the Purim meal, two relatives stood by me, drunk. One had waited several years for children and then, with heavenly kindness, was blessed with a son and daughter. The other is still waiting and hoping for Hashem's salvation. One of the drunk individuals, who had yet to be blessed, cried deeply: 'Please, I can't stand my mother's suffering, and my wife's pain. Please pray for us,' and the other drunk, who received children after years, said to him in his drunkenness: 'I'm telling you, I did it myself. Say thank you. Say thank you. Say thank you. During those years when I was not yet blessed, I taught myself to say: 'Hashem owes me nothing.' Hashem owes you nothing either. Hashem owes us nothing. I would always say: Thank you, Hashem. If you want me to be without children now – thank you, Hashem, it’s the best for me'

"It was very moving," says the Rebbetzin, "the drunkards of the people of Israel. Creator of the world, you are merciful and gracious, thank you for giving me this struggle, because it is the best and most correct for me."

The joint conversation concludes with Shulamit Shachor quoting Rabbeinu Yonah: "Expressing thanks brings additional abundance and bestows more abundance," and "Gratitude for adversity halts adversity." As he states: "If he justifies the judgment and receives the discipline with love, it will protect him from many future afflictions. As it is said: 'I will thank You, Hashem, for You were angry with me – Your anger has turned back and You comforted me.'

"Hopefully, we will merit to say thank you, give thanks and sing to the Creator a new song for our redemption and the liberation of our souls," concludes Rebbetzin Sherman.