27 Children Seeking a Home: A Foster Mother's Compelling Interview

When Rachel (a pseudonym), a mother of 11, finished raising the youngest of her children at home nearly a decade ago, something within her yearned to continue giving. She heard from a friend about the need for emergency foster families, those who would take in children at a moment's notice, but felt she needed to wait a bit longer. A year and a half later, her oldest daughter told her about an acquaintance who opened her home to emergency fostering and casually remarked, "You could do this too." Her daughter was surprised to learn that her mother had been contemplating the idea for some time and was looking for someone to discuss it with.

Since then, over 7 years, 27 children have stayed at Rachel’s home, for periods ranging from a few days to two years. They were immediately removed from their homes and needed a family to take them in for an indefinite period. Rachel and her husband opened their hearts and tried to be the best parents they could be for each one of them. "When you see how a child progresses and what you have been blessed to give them, the heart fills with immense joy."

Intriguing, Emotional, Surprising

The decision to serve as an emergency foster mother matured in Rachel over time: "After my children grew up a bit, I wanted to do something that would give me meaning and satisfaction, yet it was important to me to remain a full-time mom," she says. "I carried the thought within me for an extended period, and after a long conversation with the friend my daughter had mentioned, we decided it was time to open our home to more children. We underwent extensive training through Summit Institute, which operates emergency foster care in the Jerusalem and southern regions, and a few years after I finished waking up at night for my children, we started a second round of raising little ones."

What ages are the children you receive?

"Most of the time they are infants, but there are also cases where they are older children. When there was no other option, we even took in a child close to age 6. Sometimes two or three children come together, who are usually siblings, and it's important to keep them together to soften the transition somewhat."

(Photo: shutterstock)

How do you receive a child at a moment's notice when you know nothing about them?

"It definitely requires a certain flexibility. I might have already planned my week, and then suddenly there is a phone call asking us to take in a new baby. At that moment, I begin to change plans, and the entire house starts to move. There's a technical organization involving buying formula, diapers, and more, as well as an internal excitement for everyone, anticipating the intriguing encounter with the new child. There was one time when two children came to us a day and a half before Passover, on an especially rainy day. I have two closets full of equipment and clothes for every possible age, and yet I couldn't find anything suitable for them to wear. Sometimes a child is chubbier, sometimes thinner, and not every piece of clothing fits them. So I made sure they had a hot meal, put them to bed, and while everyone was busy with the hectic holiday preparations, I went out to buy them clothes."

In the initial phase when the child arrives, adjustment requires investment. "These are children who were removed from their home at a moment's notice, so the information we receive about them is minimal. How is the child used to sleeping, with a pacifier or without? Do they know how to drink from a bottle? And what's the best way to soothe them? I have to find out the answers to all these questions myself," says Rachel. "Additionally, these children were just torn from their parents, and if they are 3-4 years old, they might have already experienced a series of difficulties. People sometimes ask me how I start waking up at night for babies again, but it's actually easier with them, because it's much more complicated with the older children. They don't know me, and I must start building a trust relationship with them. In the past, I didn't know what to say to them or how to explain the new reality, but over time I understood warmth and love melt all barriers. I also learned not to panic if there is no cooperation from them, and even if they outright reject me. With each child that arrives, we take a deep breath, and knowing that although the initial period will be challenging, we will succeed in getting through it."

Another difficulty that arises is the family's adaptation to the changing reality. "Sometimes there isn't any child with us at home, and then in an instant, three new children arrive. From a calm and spacious reality, we transition to intensive round-the-clock work. Emotionally as well, we must accommodate the new change and ensure that all the children in the house adjust healthily."

Is it hard for you to be at such a disruptive crossroads?

"In the beginning, I wasn't sure I had the strength to withstand it. I receive the child just after they were torn from their parents, and I used to feel that I was sometimes playing the 'bad guy' in their eyes. I consulted with our rabbi, and he told me the simple truth: I did not determine the turbulent reality of their lives and I did not choose for them the crises that they would undergo, but I am the one who can be there for them now, to wrap them in warmth and love. I can create a reality for them that is undoubtedly better than what they experienced before, and although sometimes progress is slow, it is still preferable to what they had. We shouldn't be daunted by imperfection but instead see how we are progressing towards a better future. Sometimes, we may receive a child who moves on before we have stabilized them, but even if it doesn’t seem very rewarding to us, it’s clear that we were significant to them."

How do your own children cope with the challenge?

"It greatly builds everyone. The children have learned to appreciate what they have, to give in, to contribute to one another, and to bring out strengths that were hidden within them. The older ones sometimes praise me, take responsibility for the house, and encourage me to take a day or two off. Additionally, I see how they look at someone struggling or someone different, accepting them with sensitivity and understanding. The reality taught them to love everyone as they are."

The marital relationship also undergoes changes. "I feel that the relationship with my husband deepened through this challenge, which we have had to face together. Although there are intense times when our relationship takes a bit of a backseat. Recently, three children arrived together, and one of them was an infant for whom we couldn't figure out the right food. For two weeks he cried a lot, and I barely exchanged a word with my husband. But usually, the situation isn't like that, and things are calmer. Even when a new child arrives home, there's still a cooked lunch, Shabbat preparations are on time, and we even manage to organize for family events. The house still maintains a certain blessed routine because, amidst all the change and pressure, we continue to function. We need broad family support for this, and we have it - everyone is involved in the work, the assistance, and the great joy surrounding the matter."

Accompanying the Children with Prayers

Once a suitable arrangement has been found for the emergency foster children, they move on. Often they return to their parents, and sometimes they go to a permanent foster or adoptive family. "When a child goes to a place that will be good for them, it brings joy, but sometimes they return to a complex home, and then the feeling is a bit heavier," says Rachel. "However, it’s clear to me that Hashem guides this child, and not always what I think will be good for them is actually the right thing. All I have left to do is accompany the children with fervent prayers, and there are those I continue to pray for by the Shabbat candles to this day."

(Photo: shutterstock)

Can you describe the moment of separation?

"I would divide it into two parts. On one hand, it's heartbreaking. A child that I invested in, connected with, and loved leaves the home, and I am left once again with a sense of paralysis. But on the other hand, it's not always like that because we sometimes go through a challenging process with some of the children who come to us. They arrive with emotional difficulties, we search for the way to their hearts, and even before we had a chance to reach the stage of deep connection, they already move on. Even there, the separation difficulties exist, but it's still different. Moreover, we constantly operate with the knowledge that it's temporary, so in some part of our soul, we don't allow ourselves to get too attached. A friend from emergency foster families told me that her son comes home each time and is excited about the new baby, and at the same breath says he doesn't want to get too close to them so that it won’t be too difficult when they leave."

Despite all this, were there children you became especially attached to?

"The truth is the children I became most attached to were those who challenged me the most. Two brothers, aged 4-5, came to us with some not-so-simple complexities. While with us, they strongly felt that it was a temporary place for them. Children who come to emergency foster care know it’s not a permanent solution, but in this case, it seemed that the temporary nature occupied a more significant place in their hearts. This created confusion and reluctance to be with us, and non-cooperation with us as parents. They were just waiting for the moment they could move to a permanent place, and despite all we did for them, it wasn't easy. Still, the moment they moved to a permanent foster family, I cried in a tremendous way that I can't recall before. The great investment we put into raising them tied us to them in a particularly deep manner, and we continued to accompany them even after they had already moved to a new family."

Praise from an Unexpected Direction

With all the difficulties, Rachel still does not give up this special endeavor. "The knowledge that it's better for the child with us than in the place they were gives me the strength. You can clearly see how a child who was once withdrawn becomes more open, and a child who arrived frightened and unsettled begins to sleep well at night. Sometimes we even receive compliments from the biological parents of the children, despite the pain they carry around this situation. They encounter their children once a week at a contact center, see that they are well, and there have been instances where they even requested that the child stays with us and not have to undergo another transition. One of the babies, for example, was with us for 8 months and then moved on to adoption. My daughter missed him very much, so we made contact with his new parents, and they promised to come for a visit. But they came not just with the child, but also with a gift and a touching blessing as a token of their appreciation for us being there, so significant for him in the first months of his life. These positive remarks give a lot of strength and help us continue to cope."

The good feelings come to Rachel from another direction as well. "The fact that I have to deal with a lot of uncertainty and lack of control has taught me to bow my head to reality, accept what comes, and navigate complex situations. Moreover, my entire outlook on life has changed."

Another source of strength is the strong support received by emergency foster families from the professional accompaniment team of the Summit Institute, which is responsible for all foster families in the Jerusalem and southern regions. "They come to us weekly to address any difficulty that arises, either with the foster children or with us," says Rachel. "Additionally, every time a child leaves, we undergo a processing and learning process for the future with them. The wonderful staff members have become good friends over time, and sometimes I reach out to them just to lighten my heart a bit. Regularly, service girls also come to help care for the children, and sometimes my children joke that they know them better than we do. And of course - there is full funding for all the necessary expenses for this purpose."

Due to the coronavirus crisis and the rise in reports of complex family situations, there is an increasing need for foster families, especially for emergency foster care families. "We currently have 7 emergency foster families in the Jerusalem district and 4 in the southern district," says Avital Lazovsky, responsible for emergency foster families in the Jerusalem district. "In 2020, 65 children were with us, the youngest being two days old and the oldest 6 and a half years old, with the goal of providing them with a safe and protected family environment. During the period, the children undergo a significant process of rehabilitation and developmental gap reduction, and in the process, we diagnose their condition and formulate long-term recommendations for them. The project is suitable for families where one of the spouses is not working, and the youngest child is at least 8 years old. The foster care service provides close support with training, emotional support, and technical assistance as needed. The coronavirus period introduced us to more complex situations than usual of children who experienced sustained harm at home, without leaving for frameworks, and we need families willing to create a renewed connection and closeness for those children, particularly in a time of distancing."

Interested in being an emergency foster family? Contact Summit Institute – www.summit.org.il