Jewish Law
Honoring Parents in Choosing a Spouse
When individuals wishing to marry face parental opposition, are they obligated to follow their parents' wishes?
The obligation to honor parents extends only to using the parents' own resources, not requiring children to spend their own money to honor them (except in cases where parents lack basic necessities, as will be explained below).
Based on this principle, Maharik wrote regarding a son who wishes to marry a woman he favors, but whose father strongly opposes the marriage – that the son is not obligated to obey his father in this matter. This is because the matter does not directly relate to honoring the father himself (such as providing food and drink), and especially since the father's decree causes great distress to the son, forcing him to abandon a woman he desires to take another who doesn't appeal to him as much.
Furthermore, if a father commands his son to violate Torah law –the son is forbidden to obey. Our Sages taught (Kiddushin 41a) that it is forbidden for a man to betroth a woman without seeing her first,because our Sages insisted that a man marry a woman who finds favor in his eyes and whom he desires, and that this is the woman who appeals to him. Therefore, the father has no authority to prevent his son's marriage, and the son need not obey him in this matter. This was also ruled by the Rema and by Maharashdam, that if a father commands his son that under no circumstances can he marry a certain woman, but the son desires her because she is righteous in his eyes – the law is clear that the son may marry the woman who is righteous in his eyes, and the father's command does not prevent this at all. The Mishpat Tzedek responsa wrote that although Maharashdam's case involved a son, the same would apply to a daughter, since even a father is forbidden to marry off his daughter until she matures and says, "I want this particular man." Many other authorities have written similarly. Rabbi Ovadia Yosef also ruled this way, extensively refuting the position of one book that attempted to distinguish between sons and daughters in this matter. However, it is important to note that every young man and woman should act wisely and listen carefully to their parents' words with respect and proper conduct, to see if perhaps they are correct. It is advisable to consult with a genuine Torah scholar of sound judgment in these matters to prevent unfortunate outcomes, in a case where the marriage might not succeed or because it often causes ongoing conflict with the parents. From a halachic perspective: the law is as stated, that parents have no authority to prevent their son or daughter from marrying whom they desire. However, this applies only if the intended spouse is a respectable and modest person. If the son wants to marry an immodest woman from a disreputable family,and his father suffers pain and anguish from this marriage – then he must obey his father,because marrying her causes his parents pain and humiliation. It is written: "Cursed be he who dishonors his father and mother," and we find that Isaac commanded Jacob not to marry a Canaanite woman, because they were wicked, sinful, and of corrupt character. However, if she is a modest woman as mentioned above – he is not obligated to obey his father in this matter. Rulings of Rabbi Ovadia Yosef courtesy of "Daily Halacha" website |
