Can Telling the Truth Be a Lie?

Throughout my years as a therapist, I have noticed an interesting phenomenon: many men know that giving a compliment to a woman is very important for maintaining peace at home. However, in practice, they fail to do so. I tried to understand what was hindering them. One of the recurring arguments was: how can I give my wife a compliment when it is a lie? "How can I compliment my wife on food that doesn't taste good?" "And the skirt she bought doesn't really appeal to me..."

To answer this question, let's look together at what is written in the portion of Chayei Sarah. The Torah tells us that when the angels announced to our matriarch Sarah the great news, that in the coming year she would embrace a son, Sarah asks how this can be: "After I have grown old, will I again have delight and my lord is old?" The word "old," meaning worn out – can a worn-out woman like me, at ninety, bring a child into the world? And also "my lord is old," referring to Abraham, who was then ninety-nine. The following verses state that Hashem asks Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh, saying 'Shall I surely bear a child, when I am old?'" If we look closely at the words, we see that Hashem did not repeat Sarah's statement exactly, "my lord is old," but changed it to "when I am old," as if Sarah said this about herself to avoid offending Abraham. From here, the sages learned that if Hashem changed his words to avoid hurting Abraham, it is permissible to change for the sake of peace.

We can now answer our opening question: is it permissible for Meir to tell Galit, who spent hours preparing him lunch, that the dish is not to his taste and certainly doesn't meet Grandma Bertha's meatball standards? The answer to this question is found in the book "Michtav Me'Eliyahu," by the renowned rabbi Eliyahu Dessler, of blessed memory, and here's his language: "Sometimes you must not say things as they are, like speaking about a flaw of your friend without any benefit or necessity. Sometimes, you need to change, when the truth won't help but harm, because then what seems like the truth is a lie, bringing about bad results, while what seems like a lie leads to the ultimate truth. Thus, the truth is what brings about good and the will of the Creator, and a lie is what lends success to the prince of lies." Within the words of the "Michtav Me'Eliyahu" lies the answer for those men who claim they can't tell their wife the soup is delicious when it tastes like washing powder. It's not an argument because by complimenting her, they accomplish a good purpose, and as "Michtav Me'Eliyahu" states, anything that brings about the ultimate truth is the will of the Creator, and there's no better purpose than not to hurt another. From here we learn that even if we choose to say a kind word about a bland dish, we are still considered truth-tellers.

However, here one might ask: does it mean that by not telling my wife the truth, I am doomed to eat tasteless soup all my life? To answer this, let's start with a short story about the esteemed Rabbi Elazar Menachem Man Shach, of blessed memory. Once, while he was a guest at the home of his great teacher Rabbi Isser Zalman Meltzer, of blessed memory, Rabbi Meltzer noticed that Rabbi Shach was not tasting the dessert prepared by the rebbetzin at the end of the meal. When he asked Rabbi Shach why he wasn't eating the dessert, Rabbi Isser Zalman prefaced his answer by saying: "You should know that I have been eating this dessert and keeping silent for forty years, and if you do not eat it - I will finish mine and eat yours too."

Stories of the righteous are nice, but not everyone can be Rabbi Meltzer. But to the question of how we can improve the dish without hurting the wife, let's learn a very effective tool. First, we should say a kind word about the effort the hostess put in for us. When we precede criticism with a kind word, we compensate the other person for the inconvenience of hearing criticism, and then we can gently suggest, without criticizing the wife, that perhaps the dish tastes better in a particular way. When things are done this way, we see better results without causing harm. And those who wish to attain a better trait can choose not to respond at all, and on another occasion, when that dish is tastier, they can enhance and praise it, saying "Wow, this time you can really taste the spices," or "How delicious it is when it's baked."

It is clear that couples who lie to each other all day have reached a very sour relationship and need to examine why this is so, and it's obvious that the damages caused by lying are highly destructive and sometimes irreversible. This article is not the place to discuss it at length because it is a subject worthy of an article in itself. Therefore, regarding what we have said—that it is permitted to change for the sake of peace—judgment is needed, and in many cases, it is advisable to consult with a knowledgeable person who can guide the couple on when it is appropriate. After all, we have learned today the wonderful point that it is permissible to change for the sake of peace to avoid hurting another. Good luck.

Rabbi Avraham Pardo is a community rabbi, marriage counselor, and parent educator, author of the book "In the Paths of Peace," and works in the division of Heshin.

Heshin Division - Peace at Home, Children's Education, Tranquility offers therapists nationwide. Counseling is available via ZOOM.

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