Into the Embrace of Judaism: "At 16, I Discovered God for the First Time"

Hearing Chana Yael Moses's story is a moving experience. It's inspiring to hear about the innocent faith she possessed as a young child; her incredible inner strength throughout her journey; and most importantly, the divine providence that seemed to be with her every step of the way.

When Chana Yael recounts her life, it feels as if she relives every moment as if it's happening here and now, despite it being decades ago.

"I was born in Moscow," she begins. "I grew up in a secular Jewish family, and my path was the same as millions of Soviet children, raised only on what school taught us—nature rules the world, and all we have is what we see and what science proves. I grew up with no belief in a higher power, certainly with no religious elements at home or school."

Chana Yael Moses as a child

"As I grew, I began to feel uneasy," she adds. "I felt like an insignificant part of the world, and it didn’t matter what happened to me because the earth would manage without me. These feelings reflected the worldview I was taught. If the world was created by chance, from an explosion, then we arrived by chance and will die by chance. What meaning could life have? Why should academic success or good ice cream matter if there’s no destination?"

That's quite deep. Were these really your concerns as a child?

"Yes, I liked thinking, and these were important to me. But I was still a kid interested in typical things like tales of fairies and imagining having a magic wand to make a mark on the world. Despite a happy childhood with loving parents, I was quite sad."

These feelings persisted into her teens. "As a sad child, I became a sad teenager, puzzled by my sorrow. I sought happiness in worldly matters, studied subjects like science, chemistry, physics, and math. I was successful but found no joy or fulfillment. I also studied music and songwriting, but this still didn’t connect me to the world."

However, she says writing and music offered her an escape into a better world for a while. "But eventually, I had to return to reality and its challenges, which was frustrating. Today, I know my search for meaning led me directly to Judaism, and realizing this, the journey to connect with the Creator was easier."

"I Found the Magic Wand"

At around sixteen, Chana Yael was first exposed to Judaism. "It was the late '80s during perestroika— 'restructuring'. Magazines and books appeared, introducing new content. I didn't understand Judaism yet, but realized much of what I knew about history was propaganda for communist goals. This led me to internally question, ‘Could God exist?’ Though I’d been told otherwise, maybe that’s just another lie, like the rest."

Chana Yael Moses

"To this day," says Chana Yael emotionally, "I have a graph paper where I wrote: ‘Hashem, if you exist, I want to know. Prove it to me.’ The phrasing 'prove it' makes me smile now, but I was taught to act logically. I needed proof for existence. At that time, I didn’t grasp that Hashem owes me nothing; that realization was distant."

And yet, proofs began to manifest. "The more I observed, the more I saw evidence of a divine reality, understanding Hashem isn't a figure but beyond our understanding." She explains. "During that era, I attended Jewish youth center lectures in Moscow, all touching my heart. I started learning Hebrew, and the more I learned about Lashon HaKodesh and Torah codes, I knew I found the truth. I felt I was fulfilling a dream, discovering the magic wand I yearned for."

How did this affect you?

"It filled me with infinite hope, joy, and an understanding of eternity. I wasn’t here by chance; the world has meaning. Someone created the world, guides me, expects something from me, and I hope to receive it back. It led to many positive thoughts," she emphasizes.

"Around that time," Chana Yael continues, "I began exploring my roots. Before I saw my grandmothers as simple, less intelligent women, not Russian speakers. I accepted evolutionary claims that humans came from apes, so I didn’t see value in my grandmothers."

Chana Yael’s voice chokes with emotion. "Then I realized the significance of my roots," she says. "I’m part of a lineage, backed by sincere ancestors. Their dedication to Judaism throughout generations is why I know my Jewish identity."

How did your parents react to your transformation?

"Though my parents didn’t observe commandments, like Soviet Jews, they were distant from Judaism, coming from traditional families. They always believed. My father was pleased with my journey; it seemed natural to him. It was harder for my mother; she made comments about covering my beautiful hair. They didn’t oppose, but they were torn. It’s hard to judge them. That generation was torn between ancestral traditions and new Western culture. We, the children of that time, were confused by misunderstanding."

Alongside the great hope and joy, did you also face trials?

"There were many," she admits. "Over time, I encountered difficulties, realizing this new reality wasn’t as rosy. Every trial challenged my faith. It wasn’t easy, yet I began understanding faith in Hashem is like an onion with layers, allowing continuous advancement. Sometimes faith comes with tears, but onions also heal, showing there’s healing in struggles."

An Unending Journey

At twenty, Chana Yael’s parents decided to immigrate to Israel. "They always loved the Holy Land, to them it was natural," she explains. "Unlike them, I never identified with Israel or had any desire to go. But during my spiritual growth, I too felt the connection and longing for the unknown land, and when the Iron Curtain fell, and aliyah became possible, I knew I loved and wanted to move to Israel."

The day they arrived, Chana Yael cannot forget. "We arrived at night, and the next day, when I opened my eyes, I was amazed by the bright, close sky. I had never encountered such a sight. Nowadays, I’m less moved, perhaps used to it, but I didn’t imagine it. I'm sure the sky in Israel is entirely different from abroad."

Chana Yael Moses

From that moment, Chana Yael underwent radical spiritual growth, adopting full observance. A year later, she married a man also from the Soviet Union. "He was more religious and helped strengthen my new lifestyle."

Post-marriage, Chana Yael reached further insights: "I realized Judaism doesn’t end with head coverings and commandments; it has a deeper layer that demands and obligates me. Becoming religious is an ongoing, boundless process, requiring daily thoughts on deepening my connection to the Creator."

She explains these feelings weren’t easy but obligating. "I had contact with cousins abroad, feeling 'superior', as if there was a vast chasm—I on the heights, they below. Then Hashem sent me a trial, likely to show me I had no reason for pride."

"All Hashem Does Is For My Good"

Chana Yael faced a challenge when one daughter moved to first grade, with three younger siblings. "One day, my daughter was diagnosed with a malignant disease, turning my life upside down," she shares. "I experienced a significant crisis of faith, feeling I had sacrificed so much — leaving my homeland, friends, all worldly pleasures — for God, and this is what He does to me?"

"Those days, accompanying my daughter through oncology wards, were physically and emotionally challenging, constantly questioning why this pain exists. It was beyond me, and I stopped functioning, needing volunteers to help at home. Taking care of them was already tough, coming from a small family with few children. Hospital challenges made it impossible."

Chana Yael emphasizes the physical struggle, but also the emotional one. "I constantly wondered what I was doing wrong since Hashem knows His actions; I must be at fault, leading to depression."

The first glimmer of hope emerged one day while walking with her baby in a stroller. "I met another newcomer whose mother just died young. We shared pains, cried over each other’s sufferings. After, it hit me: I’d never cried for a stranger. My daughter's illness hurt but also opened my heart. A heart once stone-like became cracked."

"I recalled King Solomon's request for a ‘listening heart’ from Hashem. It resonated with my experience. I understood Hashem wasn't punishing me but helping me become kinder and more sensitive. He alone knows what's good for me."

Now, Chana Yael’s daughter is a grown woman. "Her childhood tumor halted, leaving no trace." She highlights. "She’s successful, joyful, even seeking a match, teaching us daily of Hashem's goodness and the miracles in our lives."

Chana Yael shares these messages through music performances and workshops for women and girls. "I’m privileged to share my discovered wonder of faith, hoping others also find their magic wand—the treasure of inner strength capable of transformation."

Contact Chana Yael: chana.yael@gmail.com