"I Cried to Hashem: 'Seventeen Years I Waited for a Match, and Now You're Testing Me with Waiting for Children?'"

Shira Dabush remembers the days of Chanukah six years ago as if they happened yesterday. Her mood was at rock bottom. An older single woman, almost forty, she felt that the whole world was celebrating the Festival of Lights while her heart was shrouded in heavy darkness. Feelings of loneliness and frustration overwhelmed her to the point that she decided to skip buying a menorah. "Why should I light Chanukah candles when it feels so dark inside?" she thought. 

In those moments of deep despair, Rabbi Yaakov Malka, the rabbi of her hometown - Ma'alot, contacted her to ask about her well-being. He asked if she was lighting Chanukah candles, and Shira honestly replied that she didn't have a menorah or any desire to light. Rabbi Malka's response was firm: "There is no such thing. A Jew must never despair. I'm on my way to you." Shortly after, Rabbi Malka appeared at her home with an elegant menorah he bought himself. He reiterated the message: "A Jew must never despair, there will still be great miracles." 

"Thanks to Rabbi Malka, I lit the Chanukah candles that year," Shira says with excitement, "without knowing that salvation was so near and that a year later I would already be lighting them with my husband." 

17 Years of Matchmaking

If Shira Dabush's (Cohen) name sounds familiar to you, it's no coincidence. She is behind the fascinating articles featured on the Hidabroot website and the regular column on Hidabroot about matchmaking, older singles, and everything in between. She also published regular columns from the diary of an older single. 

Now, with the publication of her debut book – 'In Your Path – Diary of an Older Single', which gathers her writings over the years, we used the opportunity to talk to her about the journey she went through (17 years of matchmaking) and the lemonade she made from the lemon in the form of special workshops, personal guidance, and evenings of encouragement for singles, where she now invests all her energy. 

Looking back, Shira struggles to believe everything she went through. "When I returned to religion at 24, I told myself: 'I'm returning to find a good husband'," she recounts. "Back then I came to the seminary, and without hesitation, I told the rabbi: 'I am here to get married'. I hoped to learn what I needed, and I thought it would take at most half a year. At that time, I was sure I knew what I wanted, but as time went on, I began to understand it was more complicated than I thought. 

"Because the desire to find a good groom and build a Jewish home is very important, but it's not 'bang and done'. Maybe it works that way for some, but there are many for whom it doesn't, and I was one of them. I remember that in my first conversation with the rabbi, he told me: 'You want to get married and build a truly quality home? Then you must first learn, grow, and change yourself'. In those days, I didn't understand these concepts, and it took me 17 years to comprehend." 

Do you think there is a reason for the delay for every woman in matchmaking for a long time? 

"Obviously, you can't generalize, but sometimes you can see that some girls 'stuck' in matchmaking for a long time have adopted thought patterns that don't suit them and mistakenly believe they need someone specific based on an 'ideal' list that doesn't really exist, and even if it does – it usually won't come to them. 

"When I was at the seminary, I found myself often lecturing to a religious friend who listened to me, explaining: 'I need this and that', being so sure of my words and insisting not even to check any guys who didn't meet the criteria I presented. Even today, when I accompany girls on the matchmaking road, they may present one parameter or another as important. For example, they can say 'I must have an educated husband' or 'I must have someone who makes me laugh'. 

"It's not that I'm saying you shouldn't find someone like that. After all, we all want and look for the guy who meets the conditions important to us, but why set up this barrier for ourselves? Maybe we will manage with someone not educated or doesn't always make us laugh? And yes, sometimes the opposite happens when the girl doesn't believe she is even worthy of getting the things she aspires to." 

Shira emphasizes that she speaks from personal experience: "Today I can clearly say: 'Yes, there were perceptions in single Shira that were wrong, and I needed to change them completely'." 

Some of those mistaken perceptions were the fears that many singles who come to her share. "I also had tough fears that stopped me and a severe lack of faith that I could even get married and that I was worthy of what I was asking for. Only today do I understand how deep I was stuck in my mistaken perceptions." 

Shira pauses for a moment, emphasizing that this understanding is crucial for every girl in matchmaking, and this is exactly what she tries to teach in her matchmaking workshops. "Because when we pray, it's important to be precise and ask accordingly," she clarifies. "It's not for nothing they say 'a covenant is made with lips'. Before you ask and say what you want, you must think about how you want your shared life with your husband to look, and how you will be in the marriage. Even after getting married, of course, personal work on character traits awaits, and only in a process of building and progressing will you be able to bring into your life what you so want and strive to receive." 

At this point, Shira stops to give a personal example from her experience. "I wanted so much a good guy but didn't really believe I was good and deserved such a guy. Today I know that to ask the requests important to us, we need to first look at ourselves in the mirror, not only love what we see but also build ourselves through prayers. Sometimes we're so frustrated with the matchmakers – 'why do they suggest such a guy? Why do they think we're a match for him at all?' And that's a mistake because the matchmakers are not the deciders and have no power to decide for us. Only Hashem is the decider, and therefore all our self-building needs to be done only in front of Him – in precise prayers." 

(Photo: shutterstock)

Just Believe

When Shira talks about her experiences, she emphasizes that even now, more than five years after building her home, the things she wrote back as a single still accompany and echo in her life – in a much more vital and vivid way. The book she wrote and is being published these days is intended for singles, but she says "everyone can find themselves in it." 

How did you actually spend the waiting years? Were you able to maintain a routine, or did you live just in anticipation of 'when will it happen'? 

Shira falls silent and sighs lightly. "It was a hard period, the hardest you can imagine, as far from what can be called 'routine' as possible. Not only because of the difficulty of waiting, but also because of the feeling that you are always in a jumble of thoughts and desires when you don't really know who you are and what you are doing in the world. There were days when I completely fell apart, like a body whose parts are scattered everywhere around the world, and even by the DNA, it's impossible to identify it. You're here, you're alive, but you feel you're living in a parallel universe. You keep doing what all other people in the world do, but actually so far apart and different from them." 

And she is not alone in these feelings. "Girls I accompany also describe similar feelings to me. They are detached, here and not here, breathing the air, but it's not really bringing them oxygen. There were days when I felt I didn't know myself and couldn't really understand why I was sent on this mission of searching for the other half, and why it was so hard for me to find it. Did I perhaps ask for too big things?

"In those days, when I was falling apart, nothing could help, but I can say to my credit that throughout that time, even though I was confused and falling apart, I was careful to write to myself what was good and what was less good in every shidduch proposed to me, summing up summaries and making prayers and soul work. I think much of that work I did with myself as a single is reflected in my book and in the workshops I conduct today for singles."

Shira pauses for a moment and continues: "Today I know exactly why I lived beside life and not within it. Today I know to point and say: 'The Creator of the world gave me this trial so I would grow through it, but I wasn't enough in faith that everything happens for my good, I wasn't enough in joy with simple faith that if this is what Hashem gives me, then this is what's good for me.

"Just this week I heard a lesson that really connected with me on the topic. The rabbi who delivered it shouted to the listeners: 'Do you need to pray for a match? Do you know how much pain Hashem has and how He cries with you your tears because you haven't found it yet?' After all, it is written about Hashem: 'With Him I am in trouble'. He is with us in all our struggles, in tears and within this great pain. He experiences it with us, and I didn't understand this during my singlehood. 

"I didn't understand that whoever goes with Hashem – doesn't lose. Hashem eventually gives the sweetest salvation that can be, but the problem is we can't know when the end will come because for each one, there is a different 'end'. I can't know when your 'film' of singlehood will end, but I can give you tools to help you go through this process with a smile, hope, and gratitude to Hashem for everything you go through along the way. That is why all my work is called 'In Your Path'. Everyone experiences different things in their own path." 

"In my opinion, there aren't enough empowerment groups for single girls today, there aren't built programs in seminars that accompany them, and it often happens that they feel the most alone in the world, without someone telling them the simplest and most correct things: 'Not finding your match doesn't mean there's a problem with you. Maybe you are beautiful, nice, and even righteous, and the fact you haven't found it yet doesn't mean you are any less good. It may have to do with your limiting thoughts, which can be corrected, but not related to your character, traits, or even your appearance. You must not reach a situation where you think you are worth less, which is why you reached this state". 

"This is Your Husband" 

Were there times of despair during all those days? 

"Of course there were. The period when I first met my husband was exactly in the days when I lost all direction of hope. The truth is, there was a very emotional story before that: about four months earlier, I came home to stay with my mom for Shabbat. For a long time, I had been asking her to do a challah separation in my merit, but she didn't connect to it. 

"That Shabbat I was so depressed and desperate. I cried so much, even though it was Shabbat: 'Hashem, I'm almost 40, and I want to merit so much. You know I'm no different from anyone else, I have qualities and all my inner virtues, so why do you give me such a trial?' From so much sorrow, I told my mother what I felt: 'Apparently there's no soul in this world that can match me, therefore I will not merit, heaven forbid, to marry.' My tears touched my mother's heart, and although I didn't ask for anything, on Sunday she informed me she decided to make a challah separation night for my match. It should have excited me after such a long time of asking this from her, but from so much sorrow and lack of belief, my reaction was indifferent: 'Do it or don't, what difference does it make? What can happen?' I felt paralyzed, stuck behind, while the whole world except me was moving forward. Even I didn't believe in my salvation." 

But just then, in the greatest lack of belief and hope, something began to unfold. "About a month after my mother did the challah separation, I had the first conversation with my husband through the 'Seven Blessings' dating site," Shira remembers with emotion. "Already then, in the conversation, I said to myself I should check this out because the guy seemed serious and intriguing, but from so many fears and lack of faith, I didn't call him, and the next time we had contact was three months later – on the first night of Chanukah. 

"Unlike me, my husband knew how to identify the distress and difficulty in me and felt I was his match, so at the end of the first meeting, although I wanted to cancel the match and continue on my way, he asked: 'When are we meeting again?' and we set the second meeting. At the next meeting, I felt the connection too. It was something that can't be explained in words. A kind of voice came out of my head and told me: 'This is your husband'." 

A Double and Exciting Birth

In the period after the wedding, which was so exciting and strengthening, Shira published several more columns on the Hidabroot website about matchmaking, in which she wanted to express gratitude for the miracle and write about what she had so wished would happen, and indeed it did. 

"Writing has always empowered me and enriched my inner world, but not only. When I started publishing the columns on matchmaking at Hidabroot, I received many responses – also from married women, married women with children, and even men. Everyone said it touched them and thanked me for the publication. In the book 'In Your Path – Diary of an Older Single', I compiled the columns published in Hidabroot, as well as songs that were never published on the site's platform – mainly songs about stages in my matchmaking and singles journey, each word in them is a lesson in itself. Today that's what I get to do with singles – through my songs, I provide insights on matchmaking and finding the match." 

"The book was born five years after our wedding, along with our first son," Shira notes with excitement. "As can be understood, our journey to bringing our first child wasn't simple, and it was another trial that accompanied us. 

Throughout the years since the wedding, we prayed a lot, and I remember telling Hashem over and over: 'Seventeen years I waited for my match, and now you're testing me also in waiting for children?' 

"Imagine how hard it was for me when girls I accompanied in matchmaking merited, thank God, to get married, and they sent me pictures of their children while I was still on 'hold'. Of course, alongside my joy and pride in them and the path we took together – my heart was pinched. I wanted to merit too, and thank God – today we merited not only our own child but also the book I dreamed of publishing for years." 

Tell me about your work today with singles. 

"There's a lot, thank God. These days registration is underway for a workshop I plan to conduct at the Hidabroot House in Petah Tikva, together with Rabbanit Hagit Shira. At the same time, there is a workshop I conduct for singles from all over the world via Zoom, and another unique workshop is about to open after Chanukah – a workshop on wheels, which best reflects the name 'In Your Path'. 

"The workshop consists of five meetings at the graves of righteous individuals, and at each meeting, we visit a different righteous person. The plan is to learn about each righteous person's background and guide special prayers. These prayers that we craft, we will pray for each other, and each one will take along a gift – my book, on which I will actually base the insights I will teach. I believe that every woman is worthy and capable of finding her unique personal path towards a match, and I'm very excited to be part of this very important process."