'Will Operation Instructions for Relationships Help You?'

"I've given up! I can't deal with her anymore!", Gilad exclaimed.

"Deal with me?", Shirel raised her voice at him.

"Honestly, it's too much for me. I didn't get any operation instructions when we got married, and I don't know how to deal with her imbalance," Gilad replied.

"My imbalance? Are you serious?!", now Shirel really shouted.

"Yes, I'm tired of this madness," said Gilad helplessly.

"This madness?!", Shirel screamed, and you could feel the walls shaking.

"Let's pause for a second. You can argue for free at home, and it's a pity for every minute you're wasting here. Gilad said he didn't get any operation instructions when you got married. Gilad, if I give you operational instructions for a relationship, will that help you?", I asked.

"Help? I'm so thirsty for something like that," Gilad replied helplessly.

"Are you ready to be each other's wall?", I asked.

"Of course," said Shirel.

"Sure," Gilad said.

"How am I supposed to be a wall?", Shirel asked.

"The woman is the one who brings the structure to the relationship. She is the place where everything happens, and towards her, the man directs his energies, pouring them into the relationship. When you bring your longing, you create a sort of template, a mold, the walls of a house, into which Gilad pours his energies. This place is critical for him, it gives him a feeling of significance and importance in the relationship, ensuring his energies aren't just wasted," I explained.

"Do you think he listens to me? He does whatever he wants," Shirel complained.

"And how do you react when he doesn't listen to you?", I asked.

"I get angry. Then he immediately plays the victim and tells me how his friends' wives support them, and only I don't," she replied.

"Shirel, the work we'll do together is learning to connect to the point of truth within you. To express your longings and needs accurately, with conviction, without being influenced by external perceptions of your image or opinions about you. This will help Gilad know exactly what strengths you need from him and make him feel significant and valuable, as his energy is efficiently directed towards the relationship and not wasted elsewhere."

"And how can I be a wall for her?", Gilad asked.

"One of the options that will help Shirel stand strong as a stable wall that contains your strengths is your ability to stand firm, like a wave breaker, against her emotional world."

"What do you mean?", Gilad asked.

"When Shirel brings you a complaint, she's expressing an emotional movement within her soul. It's quite similar to the energy you, as a man, bring towards her, just in a different form.

"When you start responding to the complaints she brings, you're indirectly telling her: this isn't mine, it's yours. Based on the facts, there's no grounding in reality here, it's something you're imagining, you're exaggerating and being dramatic. Shirel feels that her emotional world is being disregarded, as if her dramatics are delusional, and in doing so, you erase her emotional experience. She doesn't receive recognition or validation for her inner world, leading to a tragic cycle, escalating and losing proportion, reaching very difficult places."

"You're telling me about it…", Gilad responded.

"Shirel is also frustrated seeing herself like this, but it develops from that sense of invisibility, dismissal, contempt, and judgment towards her feelings."

"So what am I supposed to do? Tell her she's right about everything, even the wrong things?", Gilad responded.

"Let's start with what not to do. It's hard for me to believe there was ever a case where a husband proved to his wife that she was wrong in her claims, and that improved and built their relationship," I said.

"So what should I do?", Gilad asked.

"You got married precisely because of these painful places you awaken in each other. It's an opportunity for healing."

"But I really don't know what to do with all this craziness," said Gilad in frustration.

"You're right, there's a double frustration here: your pain about Shirel 'going crazy,' on one hand, and your helplessness, on the other."

"But how am I supposed to deal with such intense emotions she brings to me, and they aren't because of me?", he asked.

"First, understand that all the attempts to solve the helplessness through logic and righteousness leave Shirel alone, and that's what leads her to thoughts of doubt, like"...

"Why did I marry him? Why are we together?", Shirel interjected.

"Come, Shirel, try to connect for a moment: why do you long to feel from Gilad, should he be as you request?", I asked Shirel.

"Gilad, I need to feel that I matter to you, and that's why you really want to listen to me. I want to feel that I'm still the issue, and that can't happen when you instantly become the victim and the poor one. I need you to stay with me, and not retreat into yourself." Shirel addressed Gilad with tears

"What do you actually feel when he doesn't do that?", I asked.

"That I'm not loved and cherished," she replied.

"And that's a truly tough feeling, to feel that way."

Silence in the room.

"Let's assume that if Gilad is with you in this complex system called 'relationship,' and he does many things for you, then he probably cares about you, he just doesn't know how…"

"That's exactly my frustration, that I don't understand what I actually need to do," said Gilad.

A. Changing Perspective – Looking Through the Right Lenses

"One of the things that really helps is changing your perspective on these stormy places that Shirel brings. Learning to see the beauty, the wildness, and the vitality of this movement of the emotional world she brings to the relationship and accepting the invitation to be there."

"And then what?", Gilad asked.

B. Presence – Being With Her

"When Shirel experiences these emotional intensities, it's like an emotional birth where the soul opens up and reveals its depths. It's an opportunity for you to experience her entire inner world with her. No matter how turbulent she is, tell her: 'I'm here with you,' and just be with her. Simply being present will calm her storm, and then you can offer your help."

C. Support

"You could ask her: How can I support you? What will help you in these moments?"

"I don't even get to the support stage. I get anxious and feel threatened by this tumultuous place she brings," Gilad responded.

"We'll need to work on that place because when you flee and retreat, you essentially give up on the deepest and most meaningful opportunity for partnership, connection, trust, and influence in the relationship," I explained.

"And then I feel alone, that you're abandoning me," added Shirel, with much pain.

D. Learning the Wave

"The correct way to relate to the tumultuous emotional world that Shirel brings is like a wave in the sea with two layers: Upper layer – where Shirel surfaces various facts, accusations, claims, and perceptions not necessarily connected to reality, and often their mingling with reality is actually the trap. Lower layer - a layer of deep, inner, and meaningful emotion that is always real, unlike the upper layer."

"If you've encountered this phrase: 'You can't argue with feelings,' it's referring to the lower wave."

"When you are present with her emotional intensity, without judgment or diminishing, just silent and true presence, then you become a wall that generates tremendous security. You can become a kind of wave breaker that doesn't retreat to the shore, and with this presence, a lot of security enters the relationship."

Hanna Dayan hanna.tipul@gmail.com

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