Is It Childish to Feel? No, It's an Important Part of Life

"I haven't cried for years, I'm afraid to feel, it's childish to feel."

"And what happens if you feel?"

"I'll be weak. Only weak people manage with emotions."

And it's also scary to feel alone, something will happen to me if I give place to the feeling of loneliness, so I run away – to the phone, to friends, to shopping, to food, anything not to feel loneliness.

Sounds familiar?

When a little child cries, adults say to him: "What, are you a baby? Stop crying! Ask, say..."

Adults teach him that expressing disappointment and crying is childish, and instead of crying – you should go in a practical direction, to the intellectual place. Talk and act.

This is how we were taught, it's a belief we received from our environment from a very young age. Not to give place to feelings, only to the intellect, to actions. To feel – shows weakness. The strong act, fight.

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A few years ago I attended the funeral of someone close to me. While waiting for the funeral procession to begin, people stood there talking and laughing. It's a time to share memories when we meet, and it's clear that people prefer good and funny memories, because right now everyone is busy escaping sadness, because if they connect to the emotion and sadness – then maybe they'll cry, and crying is childish and weak.

The day after, I couldn't get out of bed. I didn't feel well, I felt like everything suddenly surfaced, and I allowed myself to feel the sadness, the longing, the pain of losing someone I was connected to. I started to cry uncontrollably. I cried, I truly mourned, and then I felt a true release. Something inside calmed down.

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You can't escape feeling, emotion exists, and it will surface. It might manifest in our bodies as a physical illness, or it will overwhelm us with negative emotion.

It's not fun to feel unpleasant emotions, so we ignore them. When an emotion is turned off – all emotions are turned off, which means you can't feel happiness, joy, calm.

If we allow the emotion to be present, to feel it and experience it – we will reach release, to calm.

You might ask, after all, we are taught some emotions are not good: no anger, no sadness, no jealousy etc. If these emotions exist, Hashem gave them to us, so how can it be that we're not allowed to feel them?

There is no good or bad emotion. All feelings were given to us as a gift from Hashem. This is how we communicate, experience, and identify with each other. Some feelings are less pleasant, and each emotion needs to be in balance, and that we control it.

It happens that you see someone suddenly explode with screams and break things. What brought him to that outburst, is that he was angry about something done to him and said nothing, because 'one must not be angry', and he kept it until the anger took over and exploded. If at first, he had said, even in an angry tone, what upset him, the outburst and breakage wouldn't have happened.

Usually, people who don't have control over their anger – it's based on a few unpleasant emotions they preferred not to feel or process, and then everything explodes quite regularly.

We're taught not to be sad, to believe everything will be okay, because everything is from above. Do you know the phrase: think good, it will be good? Quickly moving to positive thinking. This rush to say it's all from above and stop the tears, it's often an escape from feeling. Someone told me: "I fake happiness even though I feel like I'm about to collapse." Inside, the heart screams with pain, but voices around her or from childhood whisper: you must not be sad.

I want to tell you: it's okay to be sad when something sad happens. It's okay to be frustrated when something doesn't succeed. It's okay to be afraid when you hear or see something scary, and it's really mature to feel!

After you agreed to the emotions, it's time to do the work.

So how do you release less pleasant emotions?

When something hurts, the first aid is to ask your heart what it feels, and allow yourself to dwell in the emotion. It's okay to feel any emotion that arises. Then ask again what your heart feels now, and give place to the emotion. The pain will lessen with every emotion experienced.

It happens that after we've contained the emotion, it takes over us too much. What do you do?

When a feeling of jealousy arises towards someone who succeeds greatly where I'm failing (the mistake is to say "one must not be jealous" and drive this emotion away, sometimes this can hurt whom you're jealous of. Jealousy sees it has no place, so it takes over. Inside it exists, so who am I fooling?), I will sit and process the emotion: what am I jealous of her for? What does the jealousy want from me? What message does it want to tell me? What do I want to ask from it? What am I learning about myself thanks to jealousy? I see it! I engage in dialogue with it, and then it releases.

After understanding and allowing myself to feel hurt, because I'm human, this is the place to connect to the spiritual place.

Brené Brown, a researcher and lecturer, defined what spirituality is – it means recognizing and rejoicing that we are all connected to each other in complex and fundamental ways thanks to a power greater than us all, and that the foundation of our connection to this power, as well as to each other, is love and compassion.

How do you do that?

I want to suggest to you a guided imagery exercise. I recommend doing the exercise before sleep when we are in the relaxed state between wakefulness and sleep: imagine you're starting to rise up, up, outside the earth. From this higher place, you can see that everyone is connected to each other, we are all part of a divine piece from above, and each one goes through their path in the world, from birth to passing.

From this place, you can feel love and compassion for every person around you. They are all part of you.

From this place, you can also receive compassion and love for yourself, for who you are, how you are, for the actions you do or don't do.

When you are full of love for yourself and everyone, you can forgive, let go, live in peace.

I would be happy to read in the comments – how was the exercise for you and what did you take from the article?

Sara Zilberman is a marriage guidance counselor for a happy marriage and finding a match, and a therapist in the HaShalom department.

The HaShalom department - Shalom Bayit, children's education, peace of mind offers therapists nationwide. Consultation can be received via ZOOM.

The consultation involves a fee.

It's important to me; I want to consult! Call 073-3333-101, or contact by email chayas@htv.co.i