Rabbi Feirman: 'They Told Me: Shabbat is a Punishment', So I Decided to Take Action

"I studied at Ateret Yeshiva in my youth, and even before my wedding, when I met my wife, she made sure to mention that she loves children and loves many children," says Rabbi David Feirman, a resident of Beit Shemesh, who in recent years has become a 'master' in the world of education and has published several books on parenting.

"My wife told me," he adds, "that ever since she can remember, she worked as a babysitter and in a daycare, and the children were her 'babies'. I come from a similar background, and from the moment we got married, it was clear to both of us that we dream of having a large family."

Indeed, the Feirman couple has been blessed with 15 children, *kein ayin hara*, some of whom are already married.

"Throughout all the years of raising our children, my wife constantly drew me into the field of education," says Rabbi Feirman. "Over the years, she worked in kindergartens and daycares, managed a school, and was also a marriage counselor. Currently, she manages a girls' high school called 'Ve'at Alita' - a Beit Yaakov high school in Beit Shemesh that we founded."

Rabbi Feirman claims that as time passed, his wife brought him more and more into the field of education, and he began to engage in it increasingly. "We never made decisions at home lightly. We always sat down and discussed what the children did and thought about how to respond correctly and what should be done. We read a lot of educational materials and analyzed and thought about everything said in them. We did this primarily for our own children, but over time we found ourselves trying to pass these messages on to others."

For the Sake of Education

About twenty years ago, Rabbi Feirman began broadcasting regularly on various radio stations. "I would speak while my wife sat next to me, occasionally jotting down notes for me, which I would glance at, and eventually respond with what she suggested... I would finish each broadcast with a rhyming song my wife wrote, which summarized the points well."

Later, Rabbi Feirman began giving lectures during the week to parents, teachers, and educators. "One thing that motivates me and adds knowledge and guidance is my wife," he explains, "because we truly work jointly. I primarily lecture, and my wife meets people, talks to them, and delves into details. Soon, we will be conducting joint lectures as well."

What topics do you focus on?

"We focus on almost all topics, from issues concerning young children to teenagers. We touch a lot on religious practice, where we see that parents do not always know how to properly educate their children and what needs to be done. Our aspiration is to see our children well-behaved and walking on the right path. The question is how to accomplish this."

Know the Limits

After countless lectures, Rabbi Feirman concluded that he found it difficult to repeat the same things repeatedly, and it occurred to him for the first time to put these thoughts into writing. "For eight months, I worked on a booklet called 'Up to Here', which covers boundaries and discipline in practice. The booklet gained significant popularity and sold in thousands," he shares proudly.

The success of the booklet led him to work two and a half more years on a book titled 'When Will My Children Listen to Me'. "When writing this book, I started with the premise that often children do not understand us and do not grasp our intentions, leading them to behave precisely the opposite of what we expect, disappointing us as a result. One story I include in the book involves a child who approached his father with a note from his rabbi stating he misbehaved and was asked to apologize, which he refused. The father called the child and asked, 'What happened?' Tearfully, the child explained, 'I disrupted the class, and the rabbi kept asking, 'Apologize? Apologize?' Dad, what does it mean to apologize?'

"This is a true story," emphasizes Rabbi Feirman, "and it is chilling because often the child really does not understand what we expect from him. We can tell him repeatedly, 'Behave nicely, behave nicely', but he does not understand what this 'nice behavior' entails. After all, behaving nicely at home differs from behaving nicely on a bus, and appropriate behavior at Grandma's is different from a synagogue."

"When we board a train, we all see stickers that say: 'Do not lean out of the window', 'Do not litter', etc. Why not simply write: 'Please behave nicely' and call it a day? Because 'behave nicely' means different things to different people."

"Additionally," Rabbi Feirman stresses, "when explaining to a child what we expect from them, it's important to avoid doing so at the last moment before an event where they need to prove themselves. Instead, bring awareness to it beforehand. If you want to illustrate how to behave in a synagogue, don't wait until you are there with him in prayer; instead, discuss it well in advance. You can use the Shabbat table to talk about these topics with your children, perhaps posing riddles about what's permissible and forbidden in the synagogue, ultimately defining these things in an orderly manner. When children arrive at the synagogue prepared, everything looks different."

Interestingly, Rabbi Feirman recounts an experience reflecting the best way to communicate with children. "I once flew together with a teen I knew. This boy came from a difficult home and had been expelled from more than ten institutions. He spent nights at home, nights on a park bench, and other nights in even worse places. He had many problems, but his primary issue was never listening to those trying to talk to or advise him. Exactly with this boy, I happened to fly, and when it was time for landing, passengers were asked over the PA to fasten their seatbelts. I noticed that some people fastened after the first request, some after the second, and others after the third. But my young friend, fifteen or sixteen, didn't consider fastening his seatbelt. Then a steward approached him. The steward, apparently trained for undisciplined passengers, came to him, looked him in the eye, and said, 'Excuse me, sir.' At first, the boy didn't look and was distracted, but the steward persisted, 'Excuse me, sir, excuse me, sir', until their eyes met. Then the steward continued calmly, 'I ask you to sit down and fasten your seatbelt.' The boy turned to the other side, but the steward, without changing his tactics or raising his voice, approached again: 'Excuse me, sir', waited until their eyes met again, and then continued, 'Please, sit down and fasten your seatbelt.' This time I noticed something in the boy cracked, and after the steward repeated the exact words once more, the boy fastened his seatbelt.

"This illustrated to me so clearly how we should act with our children. The steward didn’t shout from across the plane, didn’t threaten, nor add derogatory remarks. He simply repeated the same message, calmly, confidently, and assertively, certain that the boy would obey, and it worked. I think there’s no need to elaborate further, as the message for our children is clear."

Prepare Your Children for Shabbat

Another topic Rabbi Feirman often addresses is Shabbat. "I've met parents who told me how they struggle with their children, particularly on Shabbat. One person I knew once said to me the chilling statement: 'Shabbat with the kids - it's a punishment.' It pained me to hear this, especially from a respectable family with lovely parents. Though they have challenging sons, does that mean turning Shabbat into a punishment? This led me to write a book on the subject."

Rabbi Feirman emphasizes that one of the main points he discusses in his book is understanding that children come to Shabbat overworked from the week, especially having not napped on Friday afternoon, and being very hungry, having been shooed away from the kitchen since coming home. "In the summer, the feelings of hunger and tiredness are even more pronounced," he highlights, "Then they arrive at the Shabbat table, their patience already thin, arguing over minuscule matters, the father weary from the week just wants to finish the meal, and the mother, tired of all her preparations now spoiled, longs only to end the meal and sleep. A kindergarten teacher once shared that during a 'Shabbat Reception' they held for the children, he asked a child to come and recite the kiddush. The child lifted the cup and declared humorously, 'Oh, what a hard week I had... Oh Friday...'

And what can be done to prevent this situation?

"There are many tips. But the most important tip is simply ensuring the children rest on Friday and eat. You can motivate them by suggesting that those who make an effort and rest before Shabbat get a taste of the Shabbat food. By the way, it’s also helpful to involve the children in house cleaning and light preparations for Shabbat, all according to their level and ability. This makes them feel like partners in the preparations."

Regarding the Shabbat table itself, Rabbi Feirman warmly recommends preparing a story for Shabbat in advance. "This is the nicest thing in the world; children love to hear stories so much, and it’s also an excellent way to convey messages. But it’s important to remember to prepare accordingly because you don’t improvise a story; you have to plan it."

At the Shabbat table, Rabbi Feirman cautions not to neglect the girls. "Some families sometimes feel that the boys sit and share Torah discussions, while the girls are somewhere in the background. This shouldn’t be the case, as girls also have the right to be part of the Shabbat table."

He adds that most families can truly enjoy hosting guests. "Sometimes families avoid inviting guests because they fear it will be too demanding, and this is not the case. Rebbe Nachman of Breslov says, 'What do you need for a guest? Another piece of challah and another piece of matzah.' Believe me, guests enjoy most when hosts don't go out of their way to cater especially for them or make a fuss, but instead genuinely rejoice in their coming. When guests sense that the hosts haven't gone overboard, they feel comfortable coming again and again."

And when talking about Shabbat, it’s impossible not to mention prayer at the synagogue, which Rabbi Feirman has also written a special book about.

He wishes to share a story from his book: "It’s told about a mother from about a hundred and fifty years ago who went out to buy a siddur for her son who reached the age of five and learned to read. The vendor presented her with two siddurim – one simple and thin for ten rubles and the other thick, with interpretations and laws, for thirty rubles. This woman didn't hesitate but immediately chose the... thicker one. To the vendor, she explained, 'You know how children are; they don't always pray; sometimes they fidget and pull, and the pages will inevitably tear. If it's just a plain siddur, then the siddur itself will tear, and the child will not be able to pray his prayers and blessings. But if there are also laws and additional matters, even if the child tears them, the prayer pages will likely remain.'

I think," Rabbi Feirman concludes, "that it is crucially important to invest in educating children to pray and to invest infinitely around this. So, even if not everything is absorbed, the foundation will definitely remain, and that's what matters."