A Match Made in Heaven, Can it Be Changed?

From the rulings of Rabbi Ovadia Yosef

Answer: Our Sages said in the Talmud (Tractate Sotah 2a): "Reish Lakish said, a man is matched with a wife only according to his deeds, as it is stated (Psalms 125): 'For the scepter of wickedness shall not rest upon the lot of the righteous'" (meaning that a bad match will not come to a good person). The Gemara challenges Reish Lakish's statement – but didn't "Rabbi Yehuda say in the name of Rav: Forty days before the formation of the fetus, a heavenly voice proclaims 'the daughter of so-and-so is destined for so-and-so'"? If so, how could Reish Lakish say that matches are determined by a person's deeds, when this is clearly a heavenly decree? The Gemara resolves this by explaining that for a first marriage – a person receives what was decreed for them, regardless of their deeds, but for a second marriage – a person merits a match according to their deeds.

In truth, even in a first marriage – the match depends on a person's deeds. This was explained by the great Rabbi Tuvia HaLevi (from Safed, about four hundred years ago), that when the Gemara states that the first match is decreed from heaven according to the heavenly voice – this means that in a first marriage, even if both parties are not completely equal in their deeds – whether they are completely wicked or completely righteous, but one is more righteous, and similarly with the wicked: one is more wicked than the other – they will still get married, since this was decreed by Hashem through the heavenly voice.

But if the distance between them is too great, a completely righteous person with a completely wicked person, or vice versa, then the decree will be canceled and they will be judged according to their deeds. However, in a second marriage determined according to one's deeds – there is great precision that both individuals be equal in their level of righteousness or wickedness. Many other distinctions have been made in this matter, as it is possible for a person to lose the match that was decreed for them by the heavenly voice, for better or worse, and through a person's actions and prayers, they can cause themselves to merit a better match. In any case, when a person is searching for a match, they should direct their actions for the sake of heaven, seek a match according to their situation, and not make exaggerated demands or senseless requirements, through which they could end up losing out.

The story is well known about the true genius Rabbi Meshulam Igra (who lived about two hundred years ago), who despite his poverty was an incredible diligent Torah scholar, and was considered a prodigy and a righteous young man. The wealthy magnate Rabbi Shmuel Bik set his sights on him to take him as a son-in-law for his only daughter. When she was married to him, she saw that he did not understand worldly matters and was completely immersed in spiritual matters, and this did not find favor in her eyes, so she demanded a divorce. Her father too, seeing that his daughter was unhappy, demanded that he give his daughter a divorce. With great pain and sorrow, Rabbi Meshulam stood and divorced his wife according to her wish and her father's wish.

After some time, Rabbi Shmuel Bik heard the elder of the generation's sages, Rabbi Yeshaya Berlin, referring to his former son-in-law as "one of the generation's unique treasures." His heart contracted within him and he fainted. Rabbi Yeshaya called his household members, and they sprinkled water on him until his spirit returned. Then Rabbi Yeshaya asked him: "Why did you faint?" Rabbi Shmuel replied: "This young man was my son-in-law, and unfortunately, at my request, he had to give my daughter a divorce." Rabbi Yeshaya said to him: "If this young genius was in your house, and you removed him from the home – you deserve to faint a second time!" Not long after, Rabbi Meshulam merited to marry the daughter of Rabbi Yitzchak Horowitz, the Rabbi of Brody, and lived well and pleasantly.

Therefore, in terms of effort, it is proper for a person to seek a match according to their situation.