Yedidya Meir: When There Is No Closure, It Is Pain Within Pain

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Forgive me, Avraham Fried and Ishay Ribo, but this year the performance that interested me the most at 'Tzama' was that of another international star..

Of course, I listened with excitement to Fried singing Chabad melodies, and also to Ishay Ribo, Naftali Kamp, and Zanvil Weinberger (do you know them? If not, get to know them quickly)..

And of course, I enjoyed the original arrangements by Naor Carmi, and above all the crazy Chassidic book fair, which channels all the musical ecstasy into deep study of Chassidut. But when the designed publications with the names of the participants of 'Tzama' this year started to come out, the hottest name for me was Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Jacobson, the international lecturer who came from the United States for the celebrations of the 19th of Kislev..

I am a regular listener to Rabbi Jacobson's lesson in Hebrew. Unfortunately, there is only one a week. I have a routine: every night when I leave the 'Patriots' studio, I get into the car but don't turn on Waze, hoping to get stuck in the longest traffic jam on the way to Jerusalem. Then I go to YouTube, start Rabbi Jacobson's lesson on the weekly Torah portion, and when it ends, I switch to Rabbi Shneor Ashkenazi's YouTube channel (thank Hashem, he has enough lessons online to last all the nightly jobs on all the roads in the country). In truth, I've become addicted. To both of them. First of all, after all the action of the broadcast and the intense dealings with current affairs, there's something grounding in connecting to something eternal. So on the way there I listen to current affairs programs to come prepared and updated for the program, but on the way back it's a whole different story (I dream that one day I will also listen to these lessons on the way there and not to current affairs programs. It's possible that this will be better preparation for the program).

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Both Rabbi Jacobson and Rabbi Ashkenazi are Chabadniks, but they come from different backgrounds. Jacobson grew up in Crown Heights, Brooklyn, son of the late journalist and editor Gershon Jacobson. He films his lesson at his home in Monsey. In contrast, Ashkenazi grew up in Kfar Chabad. His father, the late Rabbi Shmuel Ashkenazi, was the rabbi of the village. His weekly lesson is filmed in a synagogue in Rishon Lezion, the city where he serves as an emissary. There is a big difference between the preacher from Monsey and the preacher from Rishon Lezion in the speech style, the language (by the way, Rabbi Jacobson tends to use loftier words, but that's just because his Hebrew is less good) and also the humor. And yet, there is one thing common to both: they are both Chassidim. You can see it on their faces. I'm not talking, of course, about the beard or the hat, but about something emanating from them. As the Rebbe Rashab wrote about the 19th of Kislev, the day the teachings of the Baal HaTanya spread to the world, 'Light and vitality of our souls was given to us.' That's what they broadcast: light and vitality of the soul. And it's sometimes more powerful than any sermon. They are essentially presenters of their ideas. It's no wonder that tens of thousands of Jews worldwide, from all sectors, are addicted like me. And in my estimation, the numbers will only rise..

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And from YouTube lessons in traffic jams, back to 'Tzama' this week at Binyanei HaUma. Rabbi Jacobson said a fundamental idea there. In my opinion, it is important for every father and mother to listen to it. Therefore I took the trouble to transcribe it (and it wasn't easy, because the automatic transcription software doesn't know how to transcribe Rabbi Jacobson's gathering, switching between high Hebrew, as mentioned, and juicy Yiddish, while also singing ancient Chabad melodies). Actually, his whole idea is based on one word in the Torah portion. A keyword: 'and he refused.' The cantillation mark for it is a shalshelet. A mark that appears only four times in the entire Torah and signals the reader to chant and extend this word: 'and he re-e-e-fused.' Joseph stands against temptation at the last moment and says no to Mrs. Potiphar. Refuses. What gives him the strength? We all know Rashi's explanation of 'the image of his father,' which appeared to him in the window. How did it work exactly? Why did it save him??

Well, the word 'and he refused' is also written in another place in the portion of Vayeshev. When? When Jacob receives the blood-soaked tunic. 'Recognize, please, if this is your son's tunic or not,' his sons say to him, and Jacob cries out: 'Joseph has surely been torn apart.' He tears his clothes, puts on sackcloth, and mourns for his beloved son for many days. Then comes the next verse: 'All his sons and all his daughters arose to comfort him – but he refused to be comforted.' Wait, where did Jacob's daughters suddenly come from? We only knew of Dinah in the portion of Vayishlach. Who has heard of 'all his daughters'? Where were all these daughters suddenly born to him??

'There is a wonderful explanation by the Or HaChayim,' said Rabbi Jacobson, 'And 'all his sons and daughters arose to comfort him,' to put it in my words, Jacob Avinu's family said to him: Look at your Shabbat table. There are eleven talented, brilliant, genius children here. Reuben, Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Zebulun, etc. Eleven extraordinary children. And the same with 'all his daughters'—there are another twelve daughters who are the most modest, pious, and kind there are. Okay, one child was lost, but let's admit among ourselves, he was always a rotten apple. Curling his hair, he wasn't really suited to the neighborhood here. A foreign plant. So it's a tragedy, we understand, Joseph has surely been torn apart, but look at your Shabbat table: you have 'Y-ah Achechufo' burning to the heavens! You have 'Menucha V'simcha' and 'Y-ah Riboni' in which all the souls delight! Look at the devotion, the learning. Look at the big picture. 'All his sons and daughters arose.' What a successful family you have! You had twenty-four sons and daughters, you succeeded with twenty-three, with one you didn't, big deal. Abraham lost Ishmael, Isaac lost Esau, and they only had two! So we will not talk anymore about Joseph, and just move on. But what does Jacob say? 'And he refused to be comforted.' Why? Rashi says: It was decreed upon the dead that they should be forgotten from the heart, not upon the living. Indeed, we need to take a moment to consider the families of those kidnapped who live with this uncertainty, that the son is alive, these are sufferings of another kind, because there is no closure, no completion. It's pain within pain within pain.'".

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From the historical story of Joseph and his brothers, or Joseph and his father, Rabbi Jacobson moves to our contemporary struggles: 'There are very beautiful families today, with many successful sons and daughters, but one child who fell into a pit. Not a physical one, a spiritual pit. He is at the bottom of the pit. With snakes and scorpions. And he was sold as a slave, not physically, spiritually. He is addicted, in addiction. And then they try to comfort the parents: Dad and Mom, you have many wonderful children, clever, giving you satisfaction. So there's one that doesn't, fine, move on, give up on him. Jacob Avinu says: You don't know my son. He is not dead, he is alive. And he refused to be comforted. He doesn't forget him for a moment. He believes in Joseph, he knows Joseph, he doesn't look at him spiritually as dead, but as alive. And at the same time Joseph is very far away, inside the impure Egypt, which is called 'the nakedness of the land,' in the lion's mouth, in Potiphar's house, and his wife doesn't stop pressing him. And what happens at the last moment? The image of Jacob his father appears to him – and then: 'he refused.' Do you understand? Jacob Avinu's 'refused to be comforted' is what created Joseph's 'he refused' in Egypt. Because Jacob Avinu believed in his son, it gave Joseph the righteous strength to believe in himself. Don't tell me I have other successful sons and daughters. I believe in Joseph. I know Joseph. And that empowered Joseph and gave him the inner strength. How did he create such healthy boundaries? Because he had a father. He saw the image of Jacob in the window. What did he see? He saw a father who believes in him. Who sees him.'"

Speaking of 'healthy boundaries,' Rabbi Jacobson brought a wonderful idea in the name of the Kotzker Rebbe: Why does Joseph say to Mrs. Potiphar 'and I sinned against Hashem'? He should have said to her 'and we sinned against Hashem,' in plural, for the prohibition of a married woman applies to her as well, as it is one of the seven Noahide laws. The explanation is that Joseph didn't want to create any connection with her, not even in the words 'and we sinned against Hashem.' We are not together. Not even strengthening together. There is no connection between us. And he refused. And it was all thanks to the trust his father sent him from afar..

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When I heard these words of Rabbi Jacobson, the image of the parents of director and creator Yehonatan Indursky ("Shtisel") appeared to me. He grew up in the Givat Shaul neighborhood, studied at the Ponevezh Yeshiva, left the yeshiva and the Haredi world – and recently returned to observing Torah and mitzvot after years, and even had the merit to establish a faithful home in Israel. In an interview he gave to 'Yediot Ahronot,' he said: 'For many years I fought against the fact that I am Haredi, I worked very hard to be secular, until I suddenly stopped. I even returned to dressing like a Haredi and growing side curls. I said, my father is Haredi, my grandfather was Haredi, and my son will also be Haredi, if he wants. Later I realized that for 18 years, once a week, my mother fasted a whole day so I, her youngest son, would return to observance. Here, apparently it worked'".

Honestly? I hesitated to mention this touching story here. Why? First of all, because not every parent has the strength to fast for their son. It's hard enough for us to fast for Gedaliah once a year. And mainly, because sometimes such a heroic act can only stress the son. Even distance him further..

So why do I still bring this story here? Because during those 18 years, when Yehonatan Indursky's mother fasted for him one day a week, he did not know it at all. She didn't tell him. He found out only after he returned to observance. Amazing. Besides, I had the privilege to meet him and his special parents, Rabbi Emanuel and Chaya Indursky, and in my eyes, they are an example of this 'refused.' With all the satisfaction from their wonderful family, they never stopped seeing the talented son who left the path and believing in him. Sometimes that's harder than fasting one day a week..

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'"I am convinced,' Rabbi Jacobson concludes, 'that every truly great person in history – and I'm not talking about greatness in an external sense, but someone who projected it to the surrounding world – had someone in their life who saw them. Saw them internally. Didn't use them. And when there is someone in life who sees you, you can see yourself. If there is no one in life who sees you, you will never see yourself. You will just imitate others. And that's what we say in 'Modeh Ani' in the morning: 'for graciously returning my soul to me, great is your faithfulness.' What does 'great is your faithfulness' mean? Great is your faithfulness that you believed in me. That is one of the basic points in the teachings of Chassidut, which sought and discovered the inner layers of the Jewish soul. Chassidut reminds everyone that 'My soul is love-sick for You.' That 'The voice of my beloved is knocking, open for Me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my perfect one.' We don't want to use you, we want to see you. What a gift. We live today in a generation where so many young people feel exploited by the system. Who needs me anyway? I am a cog in the machine. The feeling in many institutions is: we don't need you, you need us. And so it is easy today to grow up within the framework and feel exploited. No one sees me. This is the greatest educational tragedy, that our children don't have anyone who sees them. Even parents are often preoccupied. Besides, no one saw them either, so how can they see their child? That is the inner work that the Baal Shem Tov teaches us, to see ourselves, to see our children, so that they can see themselves and discover the infinite light shining from them. So let's sing now together, with all our hearts, for all these boys and girls, the Chabad melody 'Is Ephraim my dear son, is he a delightful child? As often as I speak of him, I do remember him still.''".

The column was published in the 'B'Sheva' newspaper.