Think Conflicts Only Arise During Your Shopping Trips? Find Comfort Here

Are you familiar with the phenomenon where you go shopping with your partner and instead of enjoying the selection and abundance on the shelves, finding what best suits you and your budget, and moving on to the next item, you spend the entire time arguing?

Looking back, you might admit it was an argument over nothing and maybe even feel ashamed at the initial cause of it (a set of towels or pots that were on sale, for example), but the bottom line is that the joint shopping trip is often remembered by couples as an unpleasant experience.

So if you are reading this and identify with it, you can know it is undoubtedly a common issue, offering some solace. However, if you want to understand it more deeply and perhaps prevent these conflicts next time - it's worth continuing to read.

Going Shopping? Prepare for Conflicts!

When discussing this with Leah Aharoni, a business consultant, she notes that due to her role, she has dealt with and researched the topic a lot. "There is data proving that 95% of shopping is done by women, while men hold 85% of the businesses," Leah explains. "As a business consultant, it was important for me to explain to business owners what they need to do to attract their customers, which led me to research the topic."

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During Passover Eve, she notes that these points, usually given to business owners, could be equally important for marital and family awareness. "On Passover Eve, households do extensive shopping," she explains. "Firstly, they need to purchase food for the whole week, but it doesn’t stop there, as they usually buy new clothes and frequently purchase new furniture, kitchen utensils, and gifts. In my estimation, there isn't a family that doesn’t spend at least 3000 shekels on Passover Eve, and there are those who spend much, much more. Go out to the street, and you'll see that the stores are packed full these days, and as we know, the prices aren’t cheap at all; they are at season start prices, with no discounts."

These joint shopping trips, she says, create pressure on the family both in terms of budget and in terms of friction between the couple. "There are studies proving that furniture stores, for example, are among the places where the most conflicts between couples are heard, because there are decisions to be made, and they aren’t always in line with what they planned and wanted."

Realize: There are Differences Between Men and Women

Leah is sure that the main reason for these frictions lies primarily in one thing: the fundamental difference between men and women. "It's very important to be aware that the male brain is anatomically different from the female brain. In the brain, there is gray matter and white matter. In men, the gray matter is seven times larger relative to women, causing them to have a narrow, task-focused perception of things, while in women, the white matter is ten times that of men. The white matter is responsible for connections between different things, and therefore when women shop, they generally link it to several other activities."

What does this mean? Leah enumerates three examples from the field:

1. When men go shopping, they generally buy what is offered in the store, whereas women embark on an entire shopping journey.

"Meaning - the man feels like this: I came to buy black pants? Then I enter the store, try several on, and after twenty minutes, I've already paid and am outside with the pants. In contrast, when a woman comes to the store to buy a black skirt, she hasn’t 'come to buy a black skirt' but 'come to buy something she looks beautiful in', and if she finds a blue blouse or a suitable pair of shoes, she’ll buy them too. She really searches the store until she finds the right thing, which can take a lot of time and potentially cost a lot of money. Due to these differences, the husband often won’t understand his wife, potentially leading to conflicts."

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2. Because men see the shopping process as typically narrow and focused, they generally prefer to find a solution to shorten the shopping process, whereas women prefer to continue the process until they find the most suitable thing.

Leah illustrates this with an example: "If a man arrives at the supermarket and sees four types of ketchup on the shelf, he takes one, puts it in the cart, and moves on. Sometimes he’ll compare prices, but usually, that will be his only criterion of interest. In contrast, a woman will stand and examine the ingredients. She’ll want to know how many tomatoes are in the ketchup, the percentage of water, and in short - how she can 'live' with that purchase.

"Or another example – a couple arrives to buy a refrigerator in an appliance store. The man will merely want to know that the refrigerator has a strong motor and comes with a warranty, whereas the woman will look at countless other parameters – the color of the refrigerator (that it matches the kitchen), how to clean it, its shine, number of shelves, and so on."

3. Men generally buy for themselves, whereas when women go shopping, their entire family is on their minds.

If we return to that shelf of ketchup, Leah notes that the man places the ketchup in the cart, while the woman goes through numerous additional thoughts in her mind: Hani prefers a certain brand's ketchup, Moti needs ketchup with a tight seal, so it doesn’t spill over him, and Tzipi prefers that the ketchup isn’t too liquidy. Hence, a simple ketchup purchase becomes a family affair.

Regarding refrigerator purchases, Leah notes that the woman cannot avoid thinking – will the seven-year-old be able to reach the milk shelf? And will the baby spill it? Will the refrigerator break down if the children leave it open for a long time? Etc., etc.

"Essentially, when she goes shopping, her entire family is in her mind, and not only that, she also remembers other tasks she needs to carry out – where’s the child right now? Who will pick up the baby from daycare? Will the help arrive in the evening as agreed? All this during the purchase, which makes this task take her a long time, and hence, the short road to conflicts."

There is a Solution

The good news is that Leah is confident that you can deal with these conflicts, and even with ease, provided there is planned thinking in advance. "First and foremost, it's important to increase awareness and understand that it’s not that your wife takes a long time, and it’s not that your husband is impatient. Rather, the male and female ways of thinking are what cause the differences between you. Once there’s awareness, it will already be easier," she asserts.

"Additionally, since things are clear, I recommend talking about them openly before leaving the house, and thereby plan the shopping wisely. If you’ve been living together for several years and you know your husband’s patience ends after two hours, then plan the shopping in such a way that you’ll manage to accomplish the most important things before those two hours end."

"Have you decided to bring the kids along too? Make sure to be prepared with games, coloring pages, maybe bring books, and of course, take along drinks and food. Otherwise, it will be very, very difficult."

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"It’s also advisable to pay attention to technical details: don’t go shopping hungry, to avoid irritability, and don't go just before the Mincha prayer, so the husband doesn’t have to leave in the middle to pray. It’s wise to think about all these things in advance."

"If you send your husband shopping alone, it’s worth giving him a very detailed list of brands and quantities. If you don’t write it down, don’t be surprised if he brings 'samples' of vegetables (four tomatoes, three cucumbers..). Also, regarding product types - don’t be content writing to him to bring rice, since to him all types of rice are the same, if you specifically want Basmati, for example – inform him. And if it’s about products he doesn’t know the costs of – write how much they’re supposed to cost. Many men pay very high prices, like tourists, without even being aware of it."

"And one last tip, in the spirit of Passover shopping – keep all the receipts from purchases made during these days in a cupboard with the Passover utensils, and next year you will have a detailed list of what needs buying and the financial estimate of how much it will cost."