Coach Menachem Zigelboim: "Singles Enter the Most Important 'Deal' of Their Lives Without Knowing Why"

Anyone familiar with the Haredi media has likely encountered Rabbi Menachem Zigelboim, an esteemed coach who, amid his numerous roles as a writer, journalist, editor, and exceptional coach, finds time in his busy schedule to conduct workshops on truly important topics.

He has been involved in personal coaching for ten years, following the successful completion of his academic studies at Bar-Ilan University and additional courses. Late singles, happy marriages, family finance, personal empowerment, and true peace at home grounded in Torah are just some of the topics he specializes in. And that's not all: soon, G-d willing, he will be presenting a new book that will join his series titled 'Tomorrow Will Be Even Better,' providing professional coaching tools intertwined with inspiring stories from his 'personal coaching chamber.'

His title includes "Personal Coach for Success and Excellence in the Hasidic Spirit." When asked what that means, Rabbi Zigelboim responds through the lens of Hasidism: "During these days as we light the Chanukah candles, I remind myself of the well-known Hasidic saying that 'one should listen to the tales of the Chanukah candles.' Every candle has a story, and if you listen carefully, you hear its story. I am a strong believer in listening, and this is precisely what Judaism and Hasidism, in particular, offer us. They not only pave the right path for a better and higher quality life but also illuminate it. All the methods of modern coaching are already embedded in our Torah, thousands of years old.

"Hasidism emphasizes a person's enormous potential, the positive energies, joy, motivation, striving for the coveted goal, and overcoming obstacles. These are the foundations of Hasidism. When all these advantages are within your consciousness, you can conquer the world."

And it isn’t just his inner world Zigelboim has managed to conquer, but many external worlds as well. "Like many others, I have dealt and continue to deal with many problems and challenges that at times seem impossible to overcome. Like any average person, I experience bright and dim days, days of failures and recoveries. Many times I find myself gritting my teeth, but I stand up and continue moving forward. I understand the alternative is to remain stuck in the mud. Living in mediocrity and below, on a bed of self-pity and negative feelings, is not an option for me."

"Like any good Jew, I'll answer you with a question: what led the Jews out of Egypt?"

So, what specifically led him to personal coaching? "To be honest, I don’t recall when or how the decision 'fell' to start studying the subject in-depth and seriously. I suppose it was like others have described: my whole life I have helped and advised many people in various areas of their lives, so the decision to turn it into a profession was quite natural."

And what happens since then in the coaching room?

"Over the years, I meet different people daily and experience with them the various struggles they undergo. I see the tears and the sweat, the soul's blood and the air almost gone from their lungs, and I know what they are going through. I remember myself in those places."

Empowerment lecture to yeshiva students

How exactly do you first bring yourself out, and then help others break free from entrenched patterns of thought and behavior?

"Like a good Jew, I’ll answer you with a question: what caused the Jews to leave Egypt, which was a 'fixed pattern' and 'immobility' that was not simple? In Egypt, it was a combination of Hashem's will to redeem them, the difficulty and distress of the Jews in leaving what they knew, and finally, Pharaoh's release.

"These patterns also repeat in our times. Even in our modern lives, we can find situations where such combinations occur: for example, on one side, couples feel that the marriage is hard and the household is on fire, the income isn't adequate, and the distress is severe. They understand it's impossible to keep going like this and that they need to break free from the entrenched mindset they held until now. But something still keeps them in that familiar place until finally, the push comes from a spouse, parents, or some other cause.

"Only rarely do people come into coaching when they're at a good place in life, merely striving for more. But it doesn’t matter what circumstances brought you to coaching—in all these cases, a person understands that what they have done so far brought them to the place where they don't want to be. They realize they need to change patterns of action and, even more, patterns of thought. Because if you continue doing what you’ve been doing, your achievements will, at best, stay in the same place."

According to Zigelboim, the world of coaching offers to advance people's lives, assist them in setting new goals, and achieving them while surmounting any obstacles in their way. But no matter how good the method is, the coach cannot do it for you. "The desire for internal change must come from within the person, and that can only happen when they look upon their life and recalibrate. If it doesn’t come from the person's need and want, then it's a waste of time and words. Like the well-known saying: 'You can lead the horse to water, but you can't make it drink.' When it comes from the person themselves, they are more connected to the process and capable of being an active part of it. This is also why I will never set an appointment with a woman for her husband or with parents for their son. The aspiration is that it comes from the individual themselves."

The secret: "It’s permissible to stumble, but it’s forbidden to wallow in the fall."

Just as there is conventional and alternative medicine, medicine for the body and soul, alongside modern psychology, there is also personal coaching. What’s the difference between them? "Whereas psychology deals with a person's past and tries to understand their patterns and thoughts from there, the world of personal coaching addresses a person's future and how they can grow and flourish from their current state," says Zigelboim.

How does that practically happen?

"The personal coach asks clear questions: 'What do you want to happen in your life? Where are you striving to reach? What are your goals?' and so on. Based on the answers the client provides, they begin to move forward together. I believe that everyone holds answers to the questions and doubts inside them; sometimes, you have to bring them up from the unconscious to the conscious.

"In other words, people know what's best for them. They just sometimes get 'stuck' and need external guidance to find the right place. And that's exactly what the personal coach strives to do. I believe in hard work, and in the end, a person can reap results. During a breakthrough life process, it's okay to stumble, and it's human – but it's forbidden to remain in the place of the fall and wallow in it. This is something I see every day in the coaching room, how people start from their lowest point, but with the right work – they manage to clear past residues, face forward, and rise high to the skies."

One of the more necessary initiatives of this generation, which Zigelboim leads, is a workshop preparing single men for matchmaking meetings – something that isn’t particularly available today. According to him, the recurring theme in these meetings is ignorance and lack of knowledge. "People go to matchmakings, which are basically the most important 'deal' of their lives, without knowing how, what, why, how much, and when. So, yes, most do eventually get married, but on the way there, many young men and women (and their parents no less) experience disappointments, bitterness, and sleepless nights."

And what tools do you give them to cope?

"In my workshops, young men first and foremost learn to know themselves. After that, I provide them with tools to better understand the girl sitting across from them. Like everything in life, there are also 'do's' and 'don'ts,' and the personal mentoring I offer often clears up doubts and prevents big mistakes made out of ignorance.

"One of the most important things I teach in my workshop is remembering that the meetings are just a 'prelude' to real life. When one understands this, they grasp the foundation, and from there, we can start building the framework. But when there is no foundation, understanding why you even want to get married and whether you’re even mentally ready for such a commitment – you can’t move forward."

And it's not the end of the story: Zigelboim is also present for personal guidance and support, as even within the individual's personal process towards the desired match, there are many insights and skills to learn. One of them is maintaining a straight posture and forward gaze when receiving a negative response. "My great satisfaction from this activity is seeing those individuals at the end of the process when they stand on their feet, confident, happy in their actions, and proud of their success," Zigelboim emphasizes. "It is a great joy to see a healthy relationship rebuilt, new parenting, a single who managed to marry, or people who finally dared to step out of their small comfort zone and found a way to do what they love and also make a respectable living."

In conclusion, Zigelboim wishes to deliver a flowing message to the readers, a message pertinent to these days – the days of Chanukah. "The halacha is like Beit Hillel, where the kindling is done in a way that 'increases and goes.' My personal credo is that every person, wherever they are, should recalibrate daily and not remain in one fixed place. A Jew, every morning when he rises, should think about how he can add meaning to his life, how he can be a little bit better than yesterday – even if just by a tiny bit. Even if you were great yesterday, today it is not enough. Today, you need to add a little more. Don't wait for challenges to make progress in life. Even when you think everything is going well and everything is flowing peacefully, one can and should always add more, according to the strength Hashem has granted them."