Consolers and Consoled: How Do Bereaved Parents Find Strength to Comfort Others?

Tishrei 5775.

In the Brown family home on Sorotzkin Street in Jerusalem, two young and bewildered parents sit in disbelief. They hold the photo of their beloved daughter, Chaya Zissel, of blessed memory, and struggle to comprehend the unimaginable tragedy. The photo was taken just half an hour before a vehicular attack claimed the life of their tender baby. Chaya Zissel was fatally injured. She had no chance.

Chaya Zissel Brown (Photo: Courtesy of the family)

The parents, who awaited their baby for over two years, refuse to be consoled. Many people come and go through their doors, and they, who barely understand the language, stare at the photo of their absent baby. Then suddenly, he arrives.

"R' Shimon Gross has come to comfort," the crowd murmurs. R' Shimon, the father of Avigail and Yael, of blessed memory, who perished in the extermination disaster, is himself in mourning for his daughters. Yet, he rises above his grief to sit with the bereaved parents. He understands them as he shares his identical feelings upon witnessing his daughters, who the day before were singing and dancing, fading away before his eyes, helpless. He shares words of solace he received from notable rabbis following his personal tragedy. His voice is warm and compassionate, and he truly understands them, for who else could?

R' Shimon Gross and his wife Michal, since experiencing their tragedy, have visited many families to comfort them, but they are not the only ones. Amid the numerous calamities that have befallen the people of Israel in recent years–the attacks, accidents, and bleeding tragedies–it is moving to see these noble figures stepping out of personal mourning to comfort others. We went out to hear about them, learn, and be strengthened.

Rabbi Lassry: "I Felt an Obligation to Comfort"

Barely two months have passed since Rabbi Michael Lassry lost his son Shimon Yochai, of blessed memory, who drowned at the Ashdod beach on the eve of Shavuot. Despite this, he managed to visit over 30 bereaved families, offering words of comfort and hope.

One of the families he visited was the Ariel family from Kiryat Arba, whose daughter Hallel Yaffa, of blessed memory, was murdered in her bed. Rabbi Lassry, only a week after he finished sitting shiva for his son, explained to his family: "I feel a tremendous need to go and strengthen the family, because those who die to sanctify Hashem's name hold a great status." And indeed, he went to Kiryat Arba and spent a long hour with the parents, giving them heartfelt support, emphasizing that even in tragedy, one can see divine guidance and understand that everything is for the best.

Rabbi Lassry further shared with the parents that immediately after concluding shiva, he went to the Western Wall to pray 'Nishmat Kol Chai'. "Many were surprised by this," he noted, "but for me, it was clear: I went to thank Hashem for granting me 21 years with such a high soul. Hashem enabled me to care for it, and it’s not simple." He emphasized to the grieving parents, "Your daughter is now in a high place in Heaven, in Gan Eden, with all the holy and pure ones."

Disaster after disaster, and Hallel's parents found themselves shortly thereafter in a new role: as they rose from shiva, they went to comfort the Mark family in Otniel, the very day they went to visit their daughter's grave.

Rina Ariel told the Mark family's children, "We wish that your mother recovers and returns quickly to witness your happiness." To the younger children, with a smile, she suggested, "Make her beautiful drawings, a nice craft with stickers."

And what can be said about Eliezer Rosenfeld, who, two months after losing his son Malachi, of blessed memory, visited the grieving family of Rabbi Nehemiah Lavi, who was murdered while trying to save Adel Banita (wife of Aharon Banita, of blessed memory) as she fled the terrorist? Rosenfeld sat with the family, talking for a long time. At one point, he and the family began singing 'V'taher Libeinu,' with the visitors crying and moved.

After the visit, Rosenfeld shared, "I felt the duty to come and console the family, to be with them, to tell them that the people of Israel are with them and love them."

Eliezer Rosenfeld (Screenshot)

"One who gives one child can give more"

The pure eyes of Israel David Winkarten, aged four, could be seen from afar, his parents often said that just looking at him lifted their spirits. Known for his love of Shabbat songs, young Israel David is no longer with us, killed in a tragic accident, struck by a bus in Beit Shemesh as he returned from Talmud Torah with his binder in hand. His elder brother, aged six, miraculously survived.

The one who came to comfort the parents was a bereaved father from Haifa. He traveled from the far north, taking a bus, to console the Wingarten family, sharing that he experienced something similar just three months earlier when he witnessed his seven-year-old son run over before his eyes.

"It was a typical Friday," he recounted, "I met my son returning from cheder and asked him, 'Do you want a drink or a treat?' The boy answered, 'I don't need anything anymore,' and indeed, he needed nothing more," the father tearfully recalled as he witnessed his son thrown by a car and cast onto the road with full force. His death was declared on the spot.

The child Israel David Wingarten

"Three months have passed," he told the grieving parents, "But since that moment I've only been getting closer and closer to the Creator. I feel my energy loaded, connected to the Almighty, realizing that a merciful father never harms his children, never, ever!"

The father of Israel David whispered, "And what about the longing?" The father from Haifa, sharing the sentiment, nodded in full empathy. "The longing," he said, "Well, naturally, this is the hardest part, especially for us, since the child taken away had only one remaining brother..." But he steeled himself and added, "We are sure that the One who took one can also give more!"

Praying for the People of Israel

Looking back at the history of tragedies, four years prior, the haunting fire at the Sha'er family in Rehovot cannot be ignored. It was on the eve of Passover when Avivit Sha'er lost everything in a moment, as her husband Guy and five children perished in a fire at their Rehovot home. Countless mourners filled the mourning pavilion near the charred house, surrounding a woman repeatedly saying she was left alone in the world.

Among the many comforters was Eva Sandler, who lost her husband Jonathan and two sons in the Toulouse attack in France. Sandler had just risen from shiva a few days prior and now came to embrace Avivit, who was experiencing an equally unimaginable loss.

Sandler told Avivit that she was planning to return to France and mentioned she had visited the Western Wall to pray for Avivit and her family before praying for herself. Despite her private pain, Avivit urged Evo, with superhuman strength, to come and make Aliyah: "There is nothing like the Land of Israel. This is your chance, come here, there is no other place for us."

Avivit continued with simple faith: "I am sure this is some form of atonement for the people of Israel. Everything Hashem does is for the good. We cannot grasp this good since we are truly limited in our understanding."

With superhuman effort, she supported Sandler: "We need to believe and trust in Hashem, who gives and takes. May His name truly be blessed. All these sacrifices we have made – you and I, may they truly be sacrifices that open everyone’s hearts to faith and bring a very high level of closeness."

And facing all these incredible, resilient people, we can only hope that none of us will ever need to gather such emotional strength to comfort others, and that Hashem will turn days of mourning and destruction into days of comfort, good news, and complete redemption.