Rabbi Meir Gur: "Don't Waste Years on Trial and Error"

'Researcher of Success and the Science of Happiness,' that's how Rabbi Meir Gur defines his field of study. "I'm an autodidact," he explains, despite holding a certified coaching certificate, "I acquired all the knowledge independently because I've always been interested in the human psyche and human potential. As a teenager of 15, my friends called me 'Ziggy' – short for 'Sigmund Freud'." The path to happiness, he says, goes through emotional intelligence. "Already in the late eighties, the famous study determined that IQ determines at most 20% of success in life in all fields, while emotional intelligence, which includes awareness, confidence, empathy, self-control, and more – is responsible for at least 80% of a person's success."

Gur returned to his roots since his days as 'Ziggy,' and the return to the sources opened up a new world for him. "All the most advanced psychological knowledge is actually found in Jewish sources," he asserts, and he has many examples. "For instance, the psychologist Albert Bandura, one of the most famous and cited psychologists today, developed the social learning theory. He explains how a person is influenced by observing others and how society essentially shapes their behavior. There is a famous Rambam in Hilchot Deot that says the same thing: "By nature, a person's opinions and actions are influenced by their friends and associates, and they conduct themselves according to the customs of their country."

The coach Meir Gur

The subjects Rabbi Gur focuses on in his books and lectures are self-confidence and emotional intelligence. "These are topics that first and foremost interested me personally," he explains. "I had personal challenges for which I sought solutions, and from there my knowledge on the subject grew. Later, I wanted to share with others the knowledge I found and successfully applied."

These days Rabbi Gur is releasing a new book on 'The Science of Happiness.' "I open the book with the title 'From Mental Illness to Spiritual Distress' and explain the change that has happened in the world of psychology, which no longer only deals with illnesses but also with happiness. A year ago, he released his first book, which dealt with self-confidence. In addition to books, Rabbi Gur is also involved in giving lectures and workshops, as well as providing personal consultation in the fields of self-confidence and relationships."

How did you go from researching emotional intelligence to relationship counseling?

"There's a saying I often repeat: A person takes themselves wherever they go. If they have challenges, unresolved conflicts, issues with self-esteem or confidence – they will manifest in every area of life – in relationships, extended family, career. Without addressing their personal issues, a person cannot hope for success in relationships."

Can you say what are the most common problems you encounter?

"One of the main issues people suffer from is the accumulation of negative emotions. People are unaware of what they feel and don't know how to express it, which can poison all their relationships. For example, someone criticizes them harshly and they don’t know how to handle it assertively or reconcile with themselves."

The new book by coach Meir Gur

"Also, the lack of self-awareness is very noticeable these days. People just don't know what they want – they study a profession for years, for example, and then don't work in it at all. This happens because they don't really know what their skills and strengths are and prefer to listen to others or pick a profession based on earning potential. Not knowing what is good for you specifically causes serious trouble in the long run. A third very common problem is a lack of self-worth – people don’t believe in themselves and their abilities."

If you're not interested in improving your emotional intelligence for yourself, Rabbi Gur suggests, maybe at least do it for your children. "Most emotional intelligence issues are the result of inadequate education. A person doesn't value themselves because they weren't taught that they have intrinsic worth, and so on. And since the main aspect of education is personal example, a person who works on their character and emotional intelligence will naturally assist their children by doing so."

What advice do you have for those who think this is their personality and nothing can be done?

"Belief in change is the first thing I teach. The Rambam writes in Shemonah Perakim that just as a person is not born with a craft, they are not born with a virtue or flaw. Every behavior is learned. I am not my behavior! Our sources say all the possible forces are present in the human soul, and one just needs to know how to awaken them."

"Another general piece of advice I offer to those who want change but are afraid – don't reinvent the wheel, use it. Whatever you want to achieve, whatever you're dealing with – these are things others have experienced before you. Learn from others' experiences and don't waste years on trial and error."

To purchase his two books along with a disc at a special price, click here.