Coaching Inspired by Judaism: When in a Hole, Stop Digging

Counselor and educator, Rabbi Aharon Friedman, was only 19 when he faced the toughest challenge of his life—a rare heart problem discovered in his eldest son. Since then, not only did he manage to get back on his feet, but he also lifted many others along with him. In a special interview, he shares about the challenge that Hashem presented him with and the chance meeting at the home of the Belz Rebbe that paved his way into the field.  

"I was exposed to the field of psychology after my firstborn was diagnosed with a heart condition requiring catheterization," Rabbi Friedman recalls, "Following the procedure, unfortunately, our son's condition worsened, and his brain was irreversibly damaged. I was then a young father of 19 and went through a very tough period—especially since I had no tools to cope. The most natural thing for me was to seek answers in books."

Rabbi Aharon Friedman. Everyone Can

During sleepless nights with just a small night light by his side, Rabbi Friedman (53), absorbed numerous books, including those on psychology and medicine. But when asked if he ever dreamed of becoming a well-known counselor and educator in the field, he says: "Not at all. I read the books to help myself better cope with the challenge, but I never thought I'd officially work in this."

So how did he officially get into it? It all started with an accidental meeting with a psychologist, who was also a Belz Hasid, in the courtyard of the Belz Rebbe. The two talked, and when they parted, the psychologist told him, "It's a shame you're not studying psychology; you could succeed greatly in it." The sincere words from the psychologist's heart resonated and entered Rabbi Friedman's heart. "From that day on, I began to learn and further my skills in various frameworks as an autodidact. And to my surprise, bit by bit, I discovered I had the talent to integrate into this field—even though I never imagined doing it without university studies."

Studying at a university isn't common in the Belz Hasidic dynasty to which you belong, right?

"Yes and no. To this day, opinions within our community vary. Some support academic education alongside Torah studies, and thus learning frameworks adapted for the needs of the Haredi community were created—for those who need to make a living somehow. Personally, I believe that academic studies in suitable frameworks definitely contribute to people professionally."

Avoiding the Limelight

Rabbi Friedman wears many hats: teaching, authoring books, giving lectures, and offering private counseling. Despite his success and the hundreds of people he saved from 'spiritual death' through his books, Rabbi Friedman insists on doing everything behind the scenes, avoiding business and the limelight. In addition to volunteering at 'Ezer MiZion', writing a personal column in the community newspaper, and so on, he has authored six books—the latest, 'The Path to Self-Esteem', is being published right now.

His books include: 'You Can Too', 'Honor and Educate Him', 'Succeed in Society', 'Cope', and 'You Can Get Out of It'. "'The Path to Self-Esteem' was written after years of seeing, almost universally, that what's preventing people from succeeding and achieving their goals is self-confidence," says the rabbi, "After all, each of us wants to feel good about ourselves, and self-esteem shouldn't be a decision reserved only for successful people. So how do we do it? Good question. The book is divided into two parts. First, I presented the scientific-cognitive approach: how to work on feelings of inferiority. In this part, I aim to adjust the perspective to be more proportional, to look at the shortcomings and tell ourselves 'it's not the end of the world'. The second half is dedicated to the spiritual aspect. There, I explain the importance of human creation—why a person was created in a specific way. There's a reason for it, and it's always logical. In a factory that humans created—errors are possible, defective products. But with Hashem, there's no such thing."

It is advisable to adopt positive thinking

There are people who, after many failed attempts, lose the patience and self-confidence they had at the beginning of the journey.

"True, and yet, it's entirely up to you. There will always be difficulties, that's why we're here. To experience difficulties, overcome them, grow, and become something better. Every person can always build themselves if they look at their path. Like in a running race—you can't look at others. Only those who always look ahead can progress. It doesn't matter if I'm successful or not successful—and it doesn't matter how many times I've failed: everyone has an open path before them, a way to improve themselves at any moment. So instead of sitting all day thinking 'I don't have', which obviously leads to helplessness—if I focus on what Hashem has granted me, if I collect what's in my life and build myself this way, it will make me feel good. The healthy approach in everything is to focus on what I have now. What's next? Understand that all life is before you. This is not my saying, but the Torah's."

As someone deeply engaged in the field of education and counseling for many years—what do you consider the keys to education?

"I'll give you three tips that are good not only for education but for all life areas: First, before any action, consider well where you want to go with it, and what you're trying to achieve. For example: if a parent yells at a child, they should ask themselves: what am I trying to achieve by yelling? If it's just an emotional release, without considering its lack of benefit or potential harm—the act is not worthwhile. Second, all the actions we perform daily can be done from two emotional states: one of motivation and desire, and the other out of fear and anxiety. From love or awe. Ensure that the core of education, especially the 'do good' part, is built on love and desire, not fear and anxiety. For example, instilling a way of praying or learning must be done in a way that makes the child want to do it himself, not out of fear of punishment. Third, if you're not sure what exactly to do and how to react—choose 'sit and do nothing—better'. Do nothing! In most cases, inaction is less harmful than acting without thought and planning. I'll end with a saying that suits the spirit of the topic: when you find yourself in a hole, the first thing you need to do is—stop digging!"