Is It Permissible to Reveal My Wife's Secret to Her Father?

A man approached my esteemed teacher, Rabbi Yitzchak Zilberstein, with a troubling question:

My wife, aged about forty, has unfortunately been diagnosed with a serious illness. She requested that neither I nor the doctor disclose her condition to anyone.

I feel compelled to inform her father, a devout man who fervently prays to Hashem. Perhaps his prayers might invoke Hashem's mercy upon her. Yet, if I disclose her illness to him, I would be betraying her trust and revealing a secret she asked me to keep. Therefore, my question is: am I permitted to tell her father so that he can pray for his daughter?

Response:

Here is the response from my teacher:

The Prohibition of Revealing a Secret

Revealing a secret is a serious prohibition, as noted in Proverbs (20:19) "He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets." The Talmud in Yoma (Daf 4b) states: how do we know that if someone is told something, they are forbidden to repeat it until explicitly permitted? As it says, "Hashem spoke to him from the Tent of Meeting, saying." Ancient texts warn that disclosing another's secret without permission can result in being punished as a mute in another lifetime.

The Chafetz Chaim (Laws of Gossip 8:5) declares: One must keep confidential any secret revealed privately... because revealing it causes harm to the owner of the secret and disrupts his plans, and it deviates from modesty and betrays the trust of the secret holder.

The Father's Prayer for His Children

The Torah states: "And Laban arose early in the morning and kissed his sons and daughters and blessed them" (Genesis 32:1), and the Sforno commented, "Do not take lightly the blessing of a simple person." The Scripture details Laban's blessing to his daughters to show that a father's blessing, given with all his soul, is especially potent, as stated "so that my soul may bless you" (Genesis 27:4).

In the commentary of the Tur HaAruch on the Torah (Parashat Yitro), regarding the command "Honor your father and mother that your days may be long" (Exodus 20:11), it should have said "they will lengthen," but it says "that they may lengthen," suggesting that the parents also pray to Hashem to lengthen their child's days. It means the ones who honor their parents will be prayed for by them, and through their prayers, their days will be lengthened!

This indicates the immense power of a father's prayer for his children and its likelihood of being accepted. Therefore, it seems appropriate to inform the father about his daughter’s illness, so he could pray on her behalf. Assuming the daughter realized the value of her father's prayer, she would agree to inform him.

(A story is told of a widow whose only consolation was her sole son. She sent him to study at a yeshiva. Soon, he fell ill, and doctors diagnosed him with a terminal disease. The rabbis of the yeshiva deliberated whether to inform the lone mother about her son’s condition, weighing the potential grief against her inability to help his grave situation. Ultimately, they decided to keep it from her and provided intense care and medical treatment.

A month later, the student passed away. At his gravesite, during the eulogies, the mother insisted on speaking. Despite women typically not delivering eulogies, they allowed her to share her sorrow.

I am grateful to the rabbis for their devoted care for my son, said the widow. However, your decision not to inform me spared me distress but deprived my son of a mother's prayer! Even if you assessed that he had no chance of recovery and that I would endure great pain, perhaps the Compassionate Father would have heard my prayer, a mother's prayer for her only son, and had mercy, canceling the decree...

What if the Knowledge Will Harm the Father?

However, if knowing about the daughter's illness would adversely affect the father's health and deteriorate his condition, it is forbidden to reveal the illness to him. Instead, efforts should be made to conceal her illness. If, heaven forbid, bad news comes from the daughter, we should deal with it at that time, and not burden him now, risking his life in the process. (It is told of the great Rabbi Chaim Zelivansky, who contracted a devastating illness and lost much weight. To hide his illness from his unwell father, he wore two suits at once).