How to Truly Feel the Commandments

I hope I manage to explain myself properly. My name is Yaakov, 30 years old, working as a teacher. I strive to fulfill my duties, both at work, at home, and in observing the commandments of the Torah, to the best of my ability. Although my life seemingly goes smoothly, there is something inside me that deeply troubles me, and I am quite ashamed of it. The point is, I feel that everything I do in observing the commandments is just because I have to and am obliged. If I were asked honestly what I want to do, I would say go to the pool, eat pizza, hang out and chat with friends, but I cannot say the word "want" about any commandment - not Shabbat, not kashrut, not saying blessings, and so on. I do not intend to be secular. In general, I believe in it and its Torah, but I feel great guilt because all my fulfillment of the commandments is a burden I aim to discharge and get rid of. I read books about righteous people who had love for Hashem and rejoiced in fulfilling the commandments, and it seems completely imaginary to me. How can a person desire something so disconnected from our life and world?

Eagerly awaiting a response,

Yaakov.

Hello, Yaakov,

Many things we are required to do fill our lives. We usually do these things by obligation of the Torah’s command and the tradition of our forefathers or out of necessity. There are also things we do not have to do, but we want to. We want because the heart covets, the eyes desire, because we find interest or satisfaction, meaning or pleasure in them. We have two masters of "want" and "have to" - the body and the soul. The body desires the tangible matters of this world, and has to, unwillingly, fulfill the matters of the world to come - Torah and commandments, which are unfavorable to it. The soul desires the matters of the world to come, the Torah and commandments that are tangible to it, whereas the matters of the material world are imposed upon it, and it is unwillingly forced to come to terms with their existence. Our great problem is that the soul and its desires are hidden from us. The world we live in is the body’s world, whose matters and wants are purely physical. From birth, we identify with the body and say about many things, "I want." We do not understand at all that it is the body’s desire speaking from within us, while our true, inner, soulful desire is usually not visible or known to us.

We are deceived all the time - the colors, the sounds, the sights, the sensations. We are told in a thousand ways about the coveted happiness we can achieve in this world. We are pushed, small as big, poor as rich, weak as strong, into the race for material. More material, more beauty, more pleasure. We pay for them with our best time, bodily and mental forces, and worst of all - with the enslavement of our understanding. What do we think about? What do we dream about? What occupies us and what troubles us? - Material. We have a heart; we are not indifferent and numb, yet our heart is exchanged, deceived, and diverted from its true and worthy place. We have passions, wants, aspirations, and they constantly drive us to fulfill them, but they are not our true and inner passions and wants. Our true wants, sadly, are entirely unknown to us, and they are replaced by the pennies of the body’s will, by trifles of futile desires, by dreams that are not our dreams at all. This world deafens our ears, blinds our eyes, dulls our senses, and weaves conspiracies against us. Its greatest plot is forgetfulness. Forgetfulness of the most important thing. The temptations of the world and its delights, its afflictions and pains, constantly distract the mind from something precious, essential, and very hidden, during the race in the tracks of the material: Hashem. Even someone who observes His commandments and studies His Torah can easily forget Him.

The Distress of Distresses

Often, when I drive on highways, a wonder grips me. I imagine the thousands of travelers westward like a swelling wave of desires and aspirations. As if everything a person might seek is in the West. It amazes me how, with the same seriousness and persistence, with the same vigor and determination, two waves flow in such opposite directions, one eastward and one westward. Sometimes, when I incline my ear and listen carefully to those traveling westward, I hear within this wave a silent cry. A stifled, tormented cry that never ceases to lift its hands in supplication. A cry of deficiency. One lacks money or livelihood for his household, another struggles with health, a third awaits a spouse, and a fourth for offspring. Someone finds it hard to reach joy, while another lacks rest, meaning, or love. Many are afflicted with several deficiencies together, and all dedicate their time and efforts trying to satisfy their lack. Above them all is a distress, the distress of distresses. Terrible, malignant, and deep, blurring all colors, burdening life, diminishing salvation, killing meaning, and rendering human love poor and limited. This distress forms the root of destruction and deficiency. Many do not know it, few recognize its face, and very few comprehend its way. The distress of distresses: A person without closeness to Hashem. A person without Hashem is, in essence, also a person without a person... because "as long as knowledge does not enlighten in people, and they do not know and feel His blessed Godliness and rule, they are not considered humans, since there is no knowledge in them to know the Creator, which is the primary definition of a person, and therefore the world is considered chaotic." (Likutei Moharan).

"In Your Mouth and In Your Heart to Do It"

How do we exit the chaos and turn its deserts into a flourishing garden?

How do we merit to remove the veil that the world constantly lays over Hashem's face?

How do we feel in our hearts His amazing vitality, His infinite beauty, and the majestic governance of the Creator of Genesis?

How do we walk in the world as knowledgeable humans, knowing their Master and truly serving His will?

How do we merit to unite with Hashem in a deceitful world of myriad details?

To all these questions the Torah answers with one response: "In your mouth and in your heart to do it." To make Hashem close, and to turn His service into something accessible and desirable, relevant and joyous, we have two tools - mouth and heart. The "Be'er Mayim Chaim" explains on this verse: "Meaning, through the prayer in your mouth and the breaking of your heart over its desires, and the heart’s closeness to His blessed name, these things (rectification of the soul) are put in their proper place." In the halachot of prayer, Chapter 1, Section 2, Rambam explains the essentials of the mitzvah of prayer, "A positive commandment to pray every day, as it says, 'And you shall serve Hashem your God.' What is the service of the heart? It is prayer."

Rambam further details the prerequisites of the prayer by Torah law: "The obligation of this commandment is as follows: A person should plead and pray every day, and recount the praises of the Holy One, blessed be He. Then he should ask for his needs in request and supplication, and afterward, give praise and thanks to Hashem for the good He has bestowed upon him. Each according to his ability..." Bringing Hashem into one's life means speaking to Him in our own personal language, from within our very hearts. To lay before Him all that happens to us, to ask for advice, to confess mistakes, to thank for salvations, to sing, to praise, to be silent, and to cry. All of it, alone, between me and Him. This is how the connection is woven. This is how in our psyche, the vessel to contain His light is built, and our consciousness grows to a place where His presence is no longer foreign. Thus, He descends from the heavens above and begins to be an active, daily partner in every aspect of our lives, from the small to the great. Thus, a clearer light shines, a light of purpose, on daily life and its drabness, a light that unveils answers of a different kind, deeper. A light that opens dormant lines of thought, and puts things in their correct places. And more than anything - a light that comforts and encourages, gives strength to continue, knowledge of what to aspire to, and love with all the heart.

Making Hashem Close

All in all, desires and aspirations throb within us all the time, and our hearts constantly seek vitality. If this vitality is not found in closeness to Hashem and His service, it will be replaced, unwillingly, with love of this world and its endless temptations. If we connect to Hashem and delight in His closeness and light, then we would also wish to fulfill His commandments with love and joy, for we would know, understand, and feel that they were given by a compassionate and merciful Father, who loves us and desires our good and happiness above all. From now on, the commandments would not be dry and lifeless laws, a necessary tradition, or a routine matter, their fulfillment would be the way to deepen and strengthen the connection between us and the most beloved and sought-after - Hashem. This is the answer to your question: "How can a person desire something so disconnected from our life and our world?"

By making it close, personal, and touching.

The way to bring the holiness close to us is through "In your mouth and in your heart to do it". That is to dedicate time every day when we can separate from all worldly matters and ask in our own personal words for Hashem and His closeness. The "Chafetz Chaim" wrote on this matter (Musar Movement 3, His Image and Conduct): "We have no advice but for a person to set aside every day, or at least every week, a time to seclude himself in his room and be free from his distractions and think about the matters of his end, how to rectify himself." Rabbi Yashar, a student of the Chafetz Chaim, wrote in his book "The Chafetz Chaim, His Life and Works": "When someone feels unwell (and is there a worse feeling than one of mechanical mitzvah fulfillment and a closed heart to matters of holiness?) he should find himself a place for seclusion, and with words coming from the depth of the heart, converse with Hashem in simple words. He should ask Hashem for kindness and mercy, and the Master of the world will surely listen to his request, for He is only waiting for us to come to Him. A person must reveal to Hashem his entire heart in simple and clear words, without any deceitfulness or cunning, like a son pouring out his heart before his father. In such an approach, the matters are more natural, real, and heartfelt, and their impact is greater. In this way, Rabbi Yisrael Meir (The Chafetz Chaim) saw the best means for self-rectification". To eliminate any doubt, the Chafetz Chaim stressed that he was not referring to the prescribed "Shemoneh Esreh" prayer, which is known to also potentially devolve into "mechanical mitzvah fulfillment", but specifically to personal prayer and speech not during the Shemoneh Esreh time. The "Likutei Amirim" wrote: "All the troubles that befall us, which we are not saved from, are because we do not cry out and increase prayer about them, because if we would pray and pour out our conversation before Hashem, our prayers and requests would surely not return empty. And a person should not be satisfied with praying the Shemoneh Esreh three times every day, but several times a day he should pour prayers and requests between himself and his Creator from the depth of the heart." Along these lines, the author of the "Chareidim" concluded: "An easy formula for the soul’s healing is seclusion, for at times of will, one should find himself a special place where others cannot see him, and lift his eyes on high to the only King, the cause of all causes. And as one turns his face to his God, so will He turn back to him." "The Chareidim" ends his words by saying: "Thus I heard from my teacher and rabbi, the pious and holy Rabbi Yosef Sagis, of blessed memory, and thus did he practice. I also found Rabbi Yitzchak of Acre, where some pious men practiced this in his days, and indeed this matter of talking before Hashem is mentioned in the words of Rambam, Ramban, Chovot HaLevavot, and Rabbi Yona, of blessed memory." May Hashem grant us to walk in the ways of the righteous, to come closer to our Creator and His service in truth, to open our mouths in personal prayer, to know the desire of our souls, to identify with it, to truly want only Hashem and His closeness, and to heal from the ailment of "mechanical fulfillment".