Why Am I Sad If I Have Returned to Observance?

It is known that humans were created incomplete and have various needs at different levels, which motivate them to improve themselves and fulfill those needs. As our sages established in the structure of blessings: 'Creator of many souls and their deficiencies, to sustain the soul of every living being.' When a person completes himself, he derives enjoyment from it. This rule applies to all levels of needs within us, be it physical, emotional, spiritual etc. The physical need for food motivates us to eat which provides enjoyment, our emotional needs, such as the need for appreciation and love leads a person to seek a partner, which brings enjoyment. While a different kind of need, our spiritual needs motivate us to perform mitzvot which brings us closer to the Creator. The enjoyment of the fulfillment of this need is more subtle and refined, and this enjoyment is eternal and has a significant impact on the human soul.

Let us try to examine what we enjoy and why Hashem instilled within us this power.

What is the Purpose of Enjoyment?

Do physical needs contradict and hinder spiritual needs? Christianity's approach is that physical enjoyment is forbidden and should be avoided, and therefore the 'saints' and monks in Christianity distance themselves (or at least claim to distance themselves) from all bodily pleasures. In their misguided thinking, they believe spirituality is the absence of materiality, and therefore to be spiritual, they must disconnect from materiality. When they act in this way, they feel pain from not satisfying the body's systems and conclude that serving the Creator depends on this feeling of suffering and mental deficiency, to the extent that they depict their deity as a suffering figure, and they are hostile to the joy of human life and happiness (Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch, Deuteronomy 12:7).

In contrast, Judaism does not reject bodily pleasures. Judaism's approach is that Hashem created mechanisms of enjoyment for us to use as a motor for spiritual elevation. Enjoyment is not an end in itself but a function, a connecting and linking function. It can be said that enjoyment is very much like glue (as Rashi explicitly states in Sanhedrin 58b, see there). For example, a child refuses to eat, and his mother tries to entice him to eat so that he feels full, grows, and develops, and for this purpose, she spreads chocolate (or ketchup) on it. The purpose of the chocolate is to connect the child to the bread, which is essential for his development. It is certain that if the child only licks the chocolate and does not eat the bread, he misuses the power of enjoyment and misses the purpose for which the chocolate was spread, and so too, all pursuits of worldly desires, when the intention is to increase great pleasures for the soul, is a forbidden matter (as explained at length in books, see Biur Halacha at the beginning of part 1 in the name of the education). But on the other hand, whoever gives up on this wonderful element of enjoyment, and does not spread chocolate on the bread for the child, the sad result will be that the child will not eat the bread properly, and then he will miss out on the necessary food (and he may satiate his hunger later with sweets at the neighbors). And so, all the pleasures of this world were given to us as a means of connection to connect with Hashem, and as it is said, one should serve Hashem 'with all your heart' – also through the evil inclination, by receiving upon oneself to use things that the body enjoys and desires – to serve their Creator (Shaarei Avodah by Rabbeinu Yonah, chapter 28).

Does Enjoyment Have a Spiritual Role?

Human nature, by its very creation, is that the heart enjoys physical things, as explained in the verse (Tehillim 104:15): 'Wine gladdens the heart of man.' And Rambam (in Eight Chapters, chapter 6) wrote as a halacha that there is a special rabbinic command not to suppress the desire and vitality. To the extent that they warned against saying that I naturally do not desire this transgression (Sifra Parshat Kedoshim, brought by Rashi at the end of the portion): 'A person should not say I do not want to eat meat and milk, I do not want to wear shatnez, I do not want to come upon the prohibited relationship, but rather, I do want, but what can I do, my Father in heaven has forbidden me from it.'

In the Jerusalem Talmud (at the end of Tractate Kiddushin), it is said: 'In the future, a person will have to give a judgment and account for everything his eyes saw and he did not eat.' And one needs to understand why a judgment is necessary here. It proves that eating and enjoyment also have a spiritual function (otherwise, why would judgment apply to it). By not satisfying even his physical desires [when they are permissible and necessary], a person is destroying his vitality and joy, and over time, he causes his engine not to reach high power, and therefore has fewer energies to guide towards serving Hashem. In this way, he misses the enormous potential given to him by Hashem. Giving up on enjoyment [when it is necessary and permissible] causes long-term destruction of the engine, and certainly for this, one should be held accountable.

The Loss of Suppressing Enjoyments

A person who completely ignores and tramples his pleasures and physical needs loses from it the joy and vitality and consequently also the ability to progress and grow spiritually. Over time, while he imagines himself to be heroic, after years of constant struggle with his natural desires, he is distanced from Hashem because he has failed in bringing his heart closer to Him. Without the body feeling that it is receiving its due, the person does not progress, and this "progression" will not bring the heart with it and will not lead to love and attachment.

Spiritual Malnutrition

The role of enjoyment can be likened to a puzzle game composed of many pieces. Even the physical aspects are part of the puzzle of serving Hashem (if they are part of it- . Indeed, if these enjoyments are detached from their place, they are merely dirt, but the puzzle cannot be complete if these layers are ignored.

In other words, someone whose physical needs are not fulfilled, his soul is in a state of hunger and malnutrition because it has no joy, and it cannot receive spiritual influence from the mitzvot that the person does, thus creating a situation where mitzvot increase, but the soul does not merit to elevate and rise.

Gift, Prayer, and War

Facing the evil inclination is carried out on several fronts. We see that our forefather Jacob prepared himself for the meeting with Esau through a gift, prayer, and war, and this teaches us the way to defeat the evil inclination (see Netivot Shalom Parshat Vayishlach, and in Likutei Halachot, Halachot Rosh Chodesh 7:52). It is impossible to defeat our great enemy, which is the evil inclination, only through war, but a combination of two more things: prayer (and as elaborated in the books of ethics), and also – a gift. There are matters in which we appease the material forces, send them a gift, so to speak, so that they do not resist our spiritual works.

This is the secret of the scapegoat (see Ramban Genesis 25:34), and according to some early scholars (Ramban and Rabbeinu Bachya on the Torah there, and also Rashba wrote in Chiddushei Aggadot Bava Batra 74b) that for this reason, Isaac requested dishes from Esau so that he would bless him because without subduing the natures, nature will fight, and then it is impossible for a man to serve Hashem. This is in the manner of: 'Give a bribe to Samal (accusing angel)' (Derashot HaRan sermon 2).

"A Small and External Thing"

The Maharsha (Chiddushei Aggadot Sukkah 52a) wrote in explaining the verse (Proverbs 25:21): 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him bread,' and these are his words: 'The evil inclination, the left pushes away and the right brings closer, and this is what they said if your enemy is hungry, give him some of his desire, that is, in essential matters, meaning feed him bread and give him water and with this, he will make peace with you when you give him some of his desire.'

In the book Mikhtav MeEliyahu (volume 1, page 263), this issue is summarized, and these are his words: 'We find this measure of bribe to Satan many times in the words of our sages and especially in the Zohar, and this is a successful strategy in all the war of inclination, to satisfy the stubbornness with some small external thing. However, it is important to remember, that those slight concessions in what is permissible should be entirely for the sake of heaven, and then he will succeed.' It is important to emphasize that a hair's breadth separates between excessive self-denial from excessive indulgence, and one must find the desired golden path [and further on in chapter 5, we will expand on this matter].

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