Keeping Mitzvot is Just the Beginning

When returning to religious observance, it becomes apparent early on that keeping mitzvot is just the beginning of a larger package deal that encompasses all areas of your life. Suddenly, everything requires recalculation. Should you move to a more religious neighborhood? What about the children? How is it possible to adjust to the very different ways of the 'new society'?

There are many similarities between those returning to observance and new immigrants, as both are new to a community with a different internal character than what they are used to. Some convince themselves that the new society is perfect and everyone in it is perfect, some are critical and believe they have nothing to gain from it, some try to integrate and do everything they can to fit in, while others isolate themselves within groups of friends with similar backgrounds and avoid mingling more than necessary (as is common among many new immigrants).

Do We Really Know the Society?

The average secular person knows very little about the ultra-Orthodox. We all remember the negative image we had of the ultra-Orthodox before returning to religious observance. During the approach to religion, we suddenly met a new type of ultra-Orthodox Jew – warm-hearted and full of depth. [As in any society, there is of coursey a small percentage of individuals who do not behave appropriately, but most of those returning to observance learn to recognize that these are the minority. Despite its flaws and conservatism, the ultra-Orthodox society is full of true scholars and thus remains as preserved as possible from the material secular world, making it the easiest place to gain a stable mental view, grow in Torah, and raise children to fear of Heaven and spiritual attachment]. Since choosing to live in the ultra-Orthodox world, many years have passed since we integrated into different frameworks, and we are sure that we know them, when the truth is that we don't!

A Secret Briefing Before the Shabbat Meal

Before a young returnee has the privilege of being hosted for a Shabbat meal at a family, the children there are thoroughly briefed not to quarrel or leave the table; everyone must sing the Shabbat hymns beautifully, and everyone must listen intently to the words of Torah spoken by the head of the family. Any different behavior is strictly forbidden, causing a desecration of Hashem's name. When the young returnee arrives, he sees an ideal Shabbat table, which he will strive to replicate in his future life, and when reality doesn't meet his expectations he will become angry at his poor wife who falls asleep, or at his children who play and sometimes squabble – he doesn't realize that this is a regular Shabbat table, even at  the families that hosted him.

Many older returnees who began sending their children to yeshivas and seminars claim that it was only at that stage that they fully understood the ultra-Orthodox lifestyle. This is because there is a certain gap between the public statements made during motivational talks and, in general, and the requirements of daily life. Thus, returnees often lack proper guidance on how to live and flow with regular Torah life.

What Natural Social Ability Has Been Impaired in Us?

Humans are social creatures, and over time society plays a significant role in many of the behaviors we adopt, because it is natural to want to belong and to receive approval from society. In ultra-Orthodox society, this approval is largely given to Torah scholars ('the diligent') and those who are meticulous in observance ('the righteous') or engage in unique matters. Thus, many who return to observance tend to emulate the behaviors of those they perceive as righteous or scholars. This emulation is an inevitable and necessary process, and it is also a fundamentally correct process.

The problem is that for a returnee, they often doubt themselves because of their past and are wholly focused on ensuring that their behaviors line up with that of their newfound observance, to ensure that they fit in, but without the correct emotional commitment to right and wrong.

People like to convince themselves that the influence of society and the natural yearning for social affiliation is not significant in them. My advice is that everyone should examine themselves with their spouse, and evaluate the real motivation behind most of their actions, and thereby increase the chances that their service, mitzvot, and deeds will indeed be desirable before Hashem.

Social Rejection

Society will not always be welcoming. If there is a time of crisis when society disappoints a person's expectations, they may suffer terrible harm, realizing that all the actions they did to impress society were in vain. Actions done for the sake of Heaven and not to impress society mitigate the potential harm from societal rejections, as society is only a means and aid in the commandment's service, and not a part of the goal.

For example, many returnees 'abandon' their usual pronunciation in prayers and blessings, adopting the pronunciation customary in the society they strive to be part of. But prayer is referred to as "service of the heart" and one must intend while praying. The effort to pronounce words in a new way accurately may come at the expense of intention. A certain spiritual guide [with whom I discussed this issue] told me that he himself asked the Chazon Ish about this confusion in pronunciation, and the Chazon Ish answered that prayer can be said in any language, and therefore no attention should be given to pronunciation and version! [He added that if he wants to be stringent, he can do so in the recitation of the Shema and blessings of the Torah].

Of course all sides of the matter must be considered, including the fact that it may seem odd within society, as well as the influence on children's education in blessings said in their presence, such as Kiddush and Havdalah. For this reason, each person should assess whether the effort in adhering to a specific pronunciation in prayer interferes with intention, and to check when and under what circumstances such a loss is justified.

Problems in "Matchmaking"

Some fear that if they adopt a conduct not characterized by diligence or righteousness, and they are not seen by society as an elite unit, then their social status will be damaged, along with their children's success chances in matchmaking.

It is important to keep in mind that we do not return to religious observance for society. We return for Hashem, and if this is the desired work for us – we have the inner strength to face the fact that societal esteem does impact our status. 

As an example: Daniel was previously involved in computers. He now studies Torah diligently, but financial constraints led him to work a few hours a day in computer support [after consulting with a great scholar well-acquainted with him]. Daniel was very concerned about the social implications, as now he was no longer called an avrech but only a Jew who sets fixed times for Torah study. However, his rabbi explained that due to his situation this is Hashem's will, and from fulfilling Hashem's will one cannot lose.

Daniel thoroughly learned the laws connected to the profession (issues of software theft and time theft, not being idle when hired for work), and indeed discovered that the people with whom he worked highly valued him for his professionalism and integrity. Also, the avrechim with whom he began learning only half a day surprisingly respected him and his time because when he did study, it was with sincere commitment.

A Quiet Corner Gives Strength

Even within the mandatory framework, every returnee should and must create their own quiet corner where they live their life. This is achieved by not depriving oneself of the pleasures [permitted] as they need to have the strength to bear life's burdens. Forgoing this under the illusion that they are no longer necessary, can lead to tension and irritability, as well as a disruption of marital peace, and over time also to a deficiency in faith as explained in previous chapters.

And yet, effort must be made not to be exceptional and not to stand out in unaccepted behaviors, as it is said in the Tractate Derech Eretz (and brought in Be’er Heitev, Orach Chayim Siman 170 Se’if Katan 15), "A person should not rejoice among mourners, nor mourn among those rejoicing, nor be awake among the sleeping, nor sleep among the awake, nor sit among the standing, nor stand among the seated, the rule is – do not change your behavior from that of your friend and people."

 To purchase Rabbi Dan Tiomkin's books "Mekom SheBa'alei Teshuva Omdim," click here.