The Significant Connection Between Marital Harmony and Return to Faith

In the previous column, we encountered the words of the "Mesilat Yesharim," which states that the one who knows how to purify his heart- is the one who draws closer and is more beloved by Hashem. The inner quality referred to as 'heart,' is hidden from human eyes, and yet Hashem has given us several ways to discover the quality of our inner selves, such as during intoxication or anger (as we elaborated earlier), or through our children: observing our children reveals the inner nature of the parents.

I know a family where the parents are traditional with a certain affinity for agriculture, and it is evident how each child fulfilled a specific desire of their parents: one returned to faith, and another turned to the field of agriculture. Thus, observing the inclinations of the children reveals hidden layers of their parents' desires.

Helper Against Him

Our spouse reveals our inner selves, allowing us to rectify our actions and draw our hearts towards serving Hashem. This duty is mandated from the beginning of creation, as explained in the Torah verse (Genesis 2:18): "I will make for him a helper against him." There are many sayings in Chazal that explain that in the relationship between a man and a woman, the man is the giver and the woman is the receiver. Another perspective is that Hashem spread out the heart of the person before him in a wonderful way through his wife who acts as his mirror. In the following sections, we will see how matters of marital harmony parallel the work of the heart, and thus we will gain both a genuine relationship and true marital peace, as well as a direct and efficient measure for rectifying the inner self.

What is the parallel between marital harmony and the work of the heart?

It's no surprise that marital harmony is an important foundation in serving Hashem, and great efforts should be invested in this. 

Indeed, the root of both matters is one, because a person who is estranged from himself, and ignores his soul and desires - is like a father who educates his son only through shouting and rebuke, without showing any interest in him, and without warmth and love. This self-estrangement reflects and directly affects the relationship with his spouse and children. Afterall, if he has not learned to positively influence the delicate parts of himself, the child within him, how can he successfully influence his wife and children? A person behaves cruelly and angrily toward his family because that is how he is accustomed to treating his own soul.

A large part of the ability to foster peace at home depends on the inner peace of the individual. And yet, matters of marital harmony are not dependent on this alone; the relationship is two-sided, and therefore when a person makes efforts and invests in their marriage, they receive a tremendous tool in their personal service to Hashem.

What is the main test?

Some think that reaching a life of spiritual elevation and attachment to Hashem and the Torah and commandments would be much easier without the burden of a wife and children. But this is not the Torah way- Hashem wishes for us to marry and have children, even though this entails spending precious hours in conversations with the wife and attending to her needs instead of soaring spiritually and studying. One cannot achieve true elevation and attachment to Hashem without being married.

Marriage presents a great challenge, especially in this era, where indulgence and abundance reign. It is relatively easy to acquire tefillin and tzitzit, to keep Shabbat and the Sabbatical year, and even devote oneself to Torah study. The primary trial and test, whether the Torah will become an elixir of life or a potion of death, is our conduct in derech eretz and our relations with others, especially with our spouse.

Marital Harmony Requires Faith

Chazal say (Midrash Bereshit Rabbah, 17b): Anyone who is without a wife is without life, as it says (Ecclesiastes 9:9): "Enjoy life with the wife you love." Chazal also said that anyone who is without a wife is without joy, without blessing, without good, without Torah, without protection, and without peace (Yevamot 62b, brought in the Tur and Rema at the beginning of Shulchan Aruch Even HaEzer). The RAMAK (Tomer Devorah, chapter 9) wrote that a person without a wife simply does not have the Divine Presence at all.

The explanation is clear: the marriage bond is a relationship, unlike any other where we can be more or less connected, based on the specific relationship. Marriage places two different people together for an extended period, in a kind of large pressure cooker, and it is there that a person faces real trials in the realm of security and livelihood, appreciation and carrying the burden with one's fellow. It is this relationship that requires faith in order to succeed in the challenges that come his way.

Without Masks

In a marriage, our partner knows us without any filters. In other social connections, a person presents certain sides of their personality and omits others- our behavior differs when we speak to our father, a respected rabbi, the head of the yeshiva, a childhood friend, or our children.

At home we are known without any masks, making it difficult to put on a show at home [as we can do outside- how easy it is to help a friend - and how hard it is to take out the trash...]. Anyone who succeeds in these challenges earns the aforementioned virtues, and they are truly the only one who can achieve genuine elevation and attachment to Hashem.

In the Gemara (Shabbat 31a), it is explained that the first question a person is asked upon reaching the heavens is how they conducted their dealings with others which certainly includes one's wife. She may be the principal person who can testify about her husband's conduct because she lives with him and sees him without the masks he wears publicly. The test of how he conducted his dealings with others will be measured primarily by his relationship with his wife.

How to Receive the Blessing?

It is necessary to examine the words of Chazal mentioned above [that anyone without a wife is without blessing, etc.], that all these virtues are not stated for anyone who is simply married, but for anyone who 'dwells' with his wife. Even someone married has work to do to be in the category of 'dwelling with his wife' and to merit the blessings that Chazal promised. In addition to these virtues, Chazal enumerated many enormous benefits for one who dwells with his wife, who merits to educate his children appropriately, and enjoys blessing and abundance, as the Gemara states in Bava Metzia (59a): 'A person should always be meticulous about his wife's honor, for blessing is found in a man's home only because of his wife.'

The blessing a husband receives is not only in wealth but also in health, child-rearing, and satisfaction from the children, as well as in Torah study, increase of fear of Heaven, as well as the Divine Presence in his home. Even the immediate benefits are enormous, gaining a feeling of joy and happiness, satisfaction, self-confidence, and tranquility.

When a wife receives warmth and love from her husband and legitimacy to manage the home's affairs and child-rearing, the children grow up in a home where parents love and support each other, and they gain immense confidence and mental strength from this, which inspires them in the future with their own spouses.

To purchase the books of Rabbi Dan Tiomkin 'The Place Where Those Who Have Returned to Faith Stand,' click here.