Returning to Faith? Where Has Your Heart Gone?

When a Jew who has been distant from observing Torah and mitzvot starts living a religious lifestyle, it manifests in changes in their appearance and daily habits. They begin their day with prayer, incorporate Torah study, and observe mitzvot. Over time, the verse "And you shall know today and bring it into your heart" should become fulfilled, their heart should be refined, becoming filled with a palpable faith that invigorates them, their attributes should improve, leading to a peaceful existence with themselves and their family.

Many ba'alei teshuva testify that indeed, this is how it was at the beginning of their journey, but as they continued, they faced difficult trials such as marital issues, child-rearing challenges, social struggles (with representatives of educational institutions, etc.), and financial constraints. This caused them to become "worn out," and they lost some of the passion that they once had, and they noticed within themselves desires and impulses they thought they had conquered long ago. Thus, while outwardly they continue to observe Torah and mitzvot, their practice becomes merely fulfilling an obligation, and internally they feel they are drifting away from Hashem.

Where Has the Heart Gone?

Many admit that the real connection they had with Hashem, the last time their heart truly felt the King of Kings, was during a seminar or at the start of their return journey. But with the beginning of studying the laws and practical mitzvot (or shortly thereafter), the inner connection to the Creator miraculously disappeared. While their "building" of actions rises high, the "root" of personal growth meant to be drawn from it remains not far from the starting point, where they began ignoring the heart and focused on actions. This is mainly reflected in the poor quality of prayer, for which the name "service of the heart" is designated.

What is the Heart?

A person has many layers. One might compare this to a shiny store, where on the entrance level there is a sparkling display window showing everything outwardly, where everything is bright and visible. Deeper down, there is a storage room where habits, fears, and other aspects we are not quick to reveal are stored.

If we descend further, we discover several even darker and less familiar levels of things that are not close to our consciousness at all, more primal and less defined aspects, such as positive tendencies that we have yet to realize, or haunting repressed childhood memories.

These levels may be referred to as the "subconscious" or "sub-awareness" (as known in the field of psychology), Rabbi Yisrael Salanter called them "dark forces" (see Or Yisrael, letter 6), and in other places they are called: "heart" or "animal soul" [there may be some differences between these terms, referring to different levels in the dark parking garage. But for our purposes, the differences are not significant, so we will refer to these hidden layers collectively as "heart," as explained in the Shulchan Aruch (Orach Chaim 25:5), stating that the heart is the essence of desires and thoughts].

Where Are These Internal Layers Apparent?

These internal layers exist in every individual. They are not always evident outwardly, and as it is said (I Samuel 16:7): "For man looks at the outward appearance, but Hashem looks at the heart." However, there are situations where some of this inner aspect is revealed, as explained by our sages (Eruvin 65b): A person is recognized in three ways: by their "cup," "pocket," and "anger."

 - By their "cup," meaning their state when intoxicated, for "When wine enters, secrets come out," and then the person is more uninhibited, the systems meant to regulate and control the inner self are on break, making it more evident if they have refined their animalistic impulses.

- By their "anger," meaning if they control themselves when angry. Every dispute is a real "pop quiz" in faith, for one whose practice has influenced their inner self can better control the fire within them and easily subdue the urge for anger that takes over during a quarrel.

 - By their "pocket," meaning their dealings with others, whether or not they are done with truthfulness. This isn't limited to financial matters but extends to how they apply the Torah in daily life, at home, with friends, and even in business, so that all who surround them, even their spouse, say of them (Yoma 86a): Happy is the father who taught him Torah, happy is the teacher who taught him Torah, see how pleasant are his ways, how proper are his deeds.

Indeed, a person is recognized when their inner self is revealed, but even at other times, while the inner self is hidden, one should not mistake its influence as negligible or trivial. Reality proves that the heart's influence on our behavior is immense - to the extent that most of our decisions are guided by the heart.

In choosing a spouse, friends, study partners, and even the source of our fears and loves - it lies in the animal soul (naturally we don't perceive this, as the mind rationalizes and provides scholarly justifications so we can continue to regard ourselves as refined people).

In the book "Michtav Me’Eliyahu" (Part 1, page 79), it states: The heart's recognition is indeed arduous. I know personally, and intellectually, that cigarette smoking is harmful to my health, I know this from daily actions, but I continue to smoke. Why is this? Because my heart adheres to the habit of smoking, and whatever the heart inclines toward, the opposite will not become firmly established for it. Human actions depend solely on what has been established in the heart, not guided by logical reasoning at all.

G-d Desires the Heart

Serving Hashem is not just about our actions, but as the Torah explains, the main purpose of the mitzvot is to affect the heart, those lower levels within the soul, as stated in the verse (Deuteronomy 10:12): "And now, Israel, what does Hashem your G-d require of you, but to fear Hashem your G-d, to walk in all His ways, and to love Him, and to serve Hashem your G-d with all your heart and with all your soul." It is explained in the verse that Hashem's desire from every Jew encompasses not only practical mitzvot (to study, to pray, etc.) but also to build an internal connection of the heart with the Creator of the world: that the heart reaches a connection of palpable faith, of awe, and love.

Our sages elaborated to establish this foundation, and said (Sanhedrin 106b): 'G-d desires the heart,' meaning that Hashem wishes for the heart. They also said that the entire purpose of the mitzvot is to refine the heart and bring it to a state of attachment to Hashem. In the book "Path of the Just" (Chapter 16), the verse is explained (Proverbs 23:26): "My son, give me your heart," and there it explains an important foundation in the purpose of man, stating: Whoever knows to purify their heart more, is closer and more beloved to Him etc., and this is what David warns Solomon his son (I Chronicles 28:9): "For Hashem searches all hearts" etc., and it is said by our sages (Sanhedrin 106b) 'G-d desires the heart.' For the Blessed Lord is not satisfied with actions alone to be acts of mitzvah, but the main thing before Him is that the heart is pure in directing it towards true service. For the heart is king over all the parts of the body and governs them, and if it does not bring itself to serve Him blessed, the service of the other organs is worthless, according to the words of the "Path of the Just."

The Ibn Ezra (Deuteronomy 5:16) wrote that the essence of all mitzvot is to straighten the heart. The Ramban (Deuteronomy 22:6, in the name of the midrash) wrote that Torah and mitzvot were given only to refine creation, and also Rabbeinu Bachya (at the beginning of Parshat Ki Tetze) wrote about the verse (Proverbs 23:26): "My son, give me your heart," and it states: King Solomon, peace be upon him, warns in this scripture to dedicate your heart to serve Hashem, the exalted, etc., and it is known that all the body's organs follow the heart and the eyes, and the heart is the essence of everything, because if the heart is complete with Hashem, blessed be He - everything is complete, and if it lacks with Him - everything lacks, and our sages expounded 'G-d desires the heart.'

Who is a "Servant of G-d"?

In the book "Heart of Eliyahu" (Parshat Toldot, the article "The Wicked Are in the Hands of Their Heart") this principle was used to explain the difference between Jacob and Esau, and it is explained that in Esau's mind and head were all the insights suitable for serving Hashem, as befits the son of Isaac our forefather and brother of Jacob our forefather - but the matters did not settle on his heart. Therefore, only Esau's head was worthy of burial in the Cave of the Patriarchs.

This teaches us that the Torah's purpose is not just to fill our display window with Torah insights, or with many and impressive mitzvot, but to internalize matters into lower layers as well. And I've seen other explanations pointing out that the neck connects the heart to the mind, and this explains the praise of Israel in the "Song of Songs" (4:4): "Your neck is like the tower of David." And this is also the meaning of the expression "stiff-necked," which occurs when the connection to the heart is impaired.

The query regarding the saying of our sages (Brachot 57), that even the empty ones among Israel are full of mitzvot like a pomegranate, is well-known. On the surface, it doesn't make sense; if they are full of so many mitzvot like a pomegranate, why are they called empty? And I've heard that while the pomegranate contains many seeds, each stands on its own, unlike an apple or plum that are one solid mass. This teaches us that mitzvot need to be connected in a process of construction, all unified in an internal point of the heart's connection linking to its creator, and if not, the mitzvot and their good deeds remain in a state of emptiness.

To purchase Rabbi Dan Tiomkin's books "Where Ba'alei Teshuva Stand," click here.